A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Married for 8 years with 2 kids. Wife comes from a conservative background and did not have much sexual experience when we met. Neither did I but I had more than her. We have both grown sexually together and have what I would define as a good sex life. During our relationship I have come to the conclusion that I am sexually Bi. I havent come out and told her straight up, but there has been hints and evidence that points towards the fact and she is at least somewhat aware of it. How can I bring up the idea of a MMF threesome to her? Ive fantasized about her with other men. I know jealousy is unpredictable but I am a confident man and more than satisfy my wife sexually. This is not to "spice things up". It would allow me to be with a man and also fulfil a fantasy. If she was against it I would not talk her into it. I dont want to do it if she is half hearted about it. My main worry is her not looking at me the same whether we went ahead with it or not. I dont want her to look at me as less of a man. That is more important than anything to me.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2021): OP Here. Lots of assumptions being made in the answers. Didnt know this was an interrogation room. Thanks anyway to the one person with a non-condescending answer.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2021): What if every married-couple decided to do whatever outrageous thing that comes to mind, or what they've seen on porn with the person they've married? Stands to all reason and logic, they should have stayed single!
Knowing your wife is of a conservative background (in America, that could mean of religious-faith); then I would assume she maintains that ideology as her lifestyle. You are really pushing the envelope beyond all comprehension! Including a man in your bed, in-between you and your wife?!! Why don't you just come right-out and tell the woman you want to sleep with men from now on, and you want a divorce? That's really the truth, isn't it? It is unlikely she would want to be married to a gay-man, or a bisexual; who hid his true feelings by living a lie!
Nope, telling her the truth means going through a divorce, splitting your assets, the court-decision of child-visitation and living-arrangements, and court-ordered child-support (and/or alimony) payments; then the financial-strain of having to pay your own rent and living-expenses. Better to pretend to want to stay married, and manipulate your spouse? Right? No! Not if that isn't the will of God! He might open her eyes to the truth, and might decide to intervene divinely. It's only fair to her and your children. She has the choice to agree, but she risks your breaking her heart; when the right-guy comes along! When there's the probable chance you'd decide you prefer men to women!
Don't delude yourself with this thing about fear of asking. You already know the answer, but you want to figure-out a way to manipulate her into agreeing to do it, to selfishly pursue your own desires and wishes. You want to cheat on her with her permission. Then, after a few of these encounters; you'll finally admit to her that you want to sleep with men, or you will continue your charade that you still want to be married. While cheating behind her back! You want an open-marriage, and to have live-porn sessions in your bedroom. What self-respecting wife would take that kind of risk! The kinds of people that will end-up in your bedroom, nobody knows!
She is unlikely to trust you. If she already knows, or suspects; she's biding her time, until she knows you've cheated on her. She needs a justification for a divorce, and can't do it strictly on a whim or suspicion. You have children!
Let's assume your wife is a Christian. She has accepted Jesus Christ as her Savior. I can't speak for other faiths; I will hypothesize, theorize, speculate (whatever you wish to call it) according to what I know. By faith, she was taught that a husband and wife are of one flesh. Biblically-speaking, you share your spirit with everyone you sexually-interact with, not just your body. In the process, you assume or take-on whatever is within the spirit of that person. It opens a door to unclean spirits and darkness. To take vows to forsake all others, then to defile your marriage by sleeping with other people; isn't going to be within the confines of her faith, or within God's will. If she is a Christian, she will not approve of this. If she is a practicing and faithful-follower of Jesus, she will consider divorcing you. You married her and fathered children as her husband; and your vows before God and witnesses keep you to your promises. No matter what temptations or foreign-desires descend upon you. I have no right to condemn, nor judge you harshly; I don't know you. God would bring down the same judgement against me to do so. I am only pointing out some scriptural-truths to make a point.
If you want to sleep with men, divorce your wife. Don't torture her by making her watch you sharing what she thought was all hers, with other men. How does she compete? To approve and consent to such a request of her will be an encroachment on her faith, dishonor to the Lord, and will compromise her soul. According to the Commandments of God, and His biblical scriptures; it is sinful for married-people to have sex with anyone other than their spouses. Recognized as adultery, fornication, aka "sin!" Not my opinion, it's repeated many times in the Bible. People dread the word "sin," we Christians have to recognize it, because Jesus openly and strictly defines it; and He will judge us for it. Upon repentance, and accepting Him as our Savior and Deliverer; He will forgive us for it, and forget it. Even ministers won't say "sin," or admit there is a devil, fearing loss of their congregation. Well that's where they separate the sheep from the goats, and the wheat from the chaff. What God says is, and that's that. He allows us the freedom to believe, or not to believe; but loves you all the same. That's odd, isn't it? It's unscientific, and mythical-nonsense to the unbeliever; but it only matters that us Christians faithfully believe it, with all our hearts, minds, and spirits.
If she is only conservative by deportment and political-affiliations; she still would be expecting to have a traditional-marriage. Just you and she, and your family! Trying to trick her into letting you sleep with men is so deceitful! You didn't wake-up one-day and decide you are attracted to men; you've known it all along. You got married to have a wife and family, and now your other-side decides it wants to surface; but you have to get around the obstacle of your marriage and children. Yes, there is the possibility that she might agree. You'd be suspicious and paranoid why such a change of heart, so contrary to her values and beliefs? You should be!
Keep it a secret to yourself, and remain faithful to your wife. If you truly love your wife and kids. Suppress the feelings same as you would, if wanting to sleep with other women.
Otherwise, divorce your wife; and do whatever you want! Making her force herself to unwillingly participate in your sexual-fantasies, in order to maintain your marriage, is psychological-blackmail. It is selfish and cruel. Many women are ashamed of revealing such things about their marriage, or exposing it to their children; so they may feel compelled to look the other way, while you do as you please. A woman of God, will still love you; but she would try to help you to remain faithful to save your marriage, with the help of Jesus. Otherwise, she will divorce and forgive you. She would not deny you the love of your children, but she would not defile her marriage for the sake of your lustful whims.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2021): You say " I dont want her to look at me as less of a man. That is more important than anything to me".
Of course she will see you as less of a man if she sees you being banged by another man. Honestly!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2021): I call bullshit on you just discovering you were bisexual during your marriage. Bullshit OP. Sorry. You already knew. But now you are ready to try to take cheating and exploring that sexuality to a whole new level. You want permission to cheat and that is the only way you feel you can get it, with your wife's consent and participation. That is your mistake. What you should have done or should do is remain single and experiment with any male you want to experiment with. And leave your wife out of it. She has nothing to do with your sexual fantasies or experimentation. In fact, if you tell her this she will be very hurt and feel inadequate. She could even leave you because you are not the man she knew or married. You have a big secret you have been keeping from her. And you did not tell her about it LONG ago, when you should have, like before she said I DO. Don't sugar coat your secret by saying it suddenly dawned on you that you like men to lessen the blow for your wife. I don't know her but I would be devastated to know that my partner liked men or wanted to try it on with a man. It would make me feel insecure and inadequate. And if that can of worms was opened, I would be worried about my partner doing it more often and behind my back, or preferring sex with men over sex with me, a woman. It doesn't matter how you feel. It doesn't matter if you enjoy both equally or tell her you would never step outside the boundaries. Because it is her feelings that count and what she thinks that matters. And what choices she makes for herself.
If you want to go and have sex with men, you should go do that but get divorced first. I don't understand people who are that confused about their sexuality and get married for life to another person only to drop this bomb on them much later. Do you realize how cruel that is to your partner? You were pretending to be the man she wanted you to be, not the man you really are. It will undoubtedly cause her severe emotional distress.
I just don't get why people bother getting married nowadays? You had all this time BEFORE getting married to sow your wild oats to your heart's content! Marriage is serious. Your partner is not a sex toy or hooker. They have invested a great deal in you, well beyond sex. In fact, sex is not the be all and end all of any relationship. It is great to have but too many people are just dissatisfied with what they have and need to keep searching for something else. Why do that? Why do you need to ruin something good for something that won't last? A curiosity? So not worth hurting your partner over it and risking your marriage and entire future. Just turn on gay porn and wack off!!! If you can't, be honest with her and you are quite possibly going to hurt her terribly and drive her away. Do it behind her back and she will find out and the end result will be the same. At the end of the day, you need to be true to yourself and those who love you. So, if you really feel you will not be able to control yourself and your gay urges, you are going to have to tell her up front. And let her decide.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 March 2021):
 READ these:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/lifestyle-swinging-destroying-my-marriage.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/swinging-has-turned-into-more-for-me-ive.html
THAT is a little preview....
There are thousands of posts like this.
Don't think with your dick.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (10 March 2021):
 Some things are much better left alone, OP. Bringing a 3rd person into a marriage is one of them. I've been a moderator on DC for almost 14 years. I have NEVER Not even once seen where this kind of relationship works out. IF you no longer want or can be faithful to your wife, then end the marriage and go find yourself. The odds are very high that even if your wife would agree to bringing someone else in, it won't work out and your marriage will fall apart. Ask yourself again...is it worth it? Its certainly ok to fantasize but fantasy and reality are far different!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 March 2021):
Yet another how can I have sex with someone other than my partner and get away with it, question.
If you want to totally FUCK over your marriage then ask her.
She WILL NOT look at you the same ever again. She will lose respect for you, and then trust, then love. THAT is almost a guarantee.
Take a few minutes and look at the MANY questions here on DC that involved (usually a husband/BF) asking his wife/GF to swing or do 3-somes. ALL of them ruined the marriage/relationship and ALL of them resulted in the women feeling USED and not loved or respected by their partners.
You, sir, HAD the opportunity to try out your curiosity BEFORE marriage.
The MMF is NOT for her. It's for you. Don't make it sound like you want to "give her a sexual experience" because it's bullshit.
You mention you know you are BI - and then the whole MMF comes up. You are wanting to offer this to HER, so YOU can "try" on a man too. BE honest.
All I can say is this, NOT all fantasies need to be fulfilled. If SEX with man (for you) is MORE important to try out, then go for it. If HER love, your family, respect, trust in you, is more importnat, KEEP this fantasy in your head.
Being BI doesn't mean you get free range to cheat. You made a choice when you proposed. You made vows. The choice was your wife. Honor your wife, you family and your vows.
If you wanting an extra "dick" in your sex life, there are sextoys for that.
I will wager a bet that IF you bring this up it might be the beginning of the end of your marriage.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (10 March 2021):
 We get a lot of people writing posts on DC regarding wanting to live out the fantasy of bringing a third party into the bedroom, and some have already indulged in it.
The results are always the same, which is the people in question have run into relationship/marital problems.
You say that your wife comes from a very conservative background, and I would say almost for sure that she will be horrified at your suggestion of letting he sleep with other men.
You say that if she is against it you would not talk he into it, which is good. But this is a strong desire pulsating within you and something tells me you will ask again, and each time she says no resentment will set in on your part.
Although you say you are a confident man and satisfy your wife sexually, if by the very slim chance she did do it, what's to say she won't develop strong feelings for someone else that supersede the feelings she has for you. This is a common scenario in bringing other people into the marital bedroom.
My advice would be to keep this as a fantasy and don't indulge in it. Or indulge in it, and risk losing your wife/marriage.
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