A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm bisexual and have been married to an amazing man for 19 years. My husband respects my sexuality and has always been supportive of my need to also have a significant woman friend. It is never a threesome situation. We have kept this private from our daughter, leading her to believe my significant women friends, which by the way were few and longterm, were nothing more than very close family friends. NOW my daughter knows. She walked in on my girlfriend and I making love. She is distraught and refuses to speak to no matter how relentless I am with trying to gently console her. Her reaction and pain over this is priority. How do I get my daughter to let me in and am I selfish for having been bisexual while married?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI will also add, for those who question why I think it appropriate to make love to my significant woman friend in our family home, well I do it with respect.for my husband. He insists that I carry my relationship with my significant woman friend with respect and decency as I do himself and not tramp her nor myself in and out of motel rooms. He is a wonderful man. Also, I never am intimate with my girlfriend in my husband and my bed nor in the presence of my husband. We contain it to our guest room.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to thank everyone for reading my post and your input. It's nice to get another's perspective outside of my own, which of course can be skewed with subjectivity since it is my personal dilemna. I need to clarify that I have always been careful with in segregating my intimate encounters with my significant friend from the environment of my daughter, as I had done with this instance that my daughter walked in on my significant woman friend and I making love. My daughter informed me.that she would be out of town for an additional 3 days but secretly she was back in town and had come home to set up our home for a suprise birthday party for myself. I feel horrible. I do feel like I have deceived her yet I kept this part of my life private from her because I do not think young children should be exposed to matters as this until they have atleast grasped basic societal relationships. Perhaps I should have sat down and explained this part of my life to her when she turned 18 or close to it. I appreciate your input and welcome everyones advice. Thank you.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 February 2013):
 One solution might be to let her dad talk to her and explain things, so she knows he approves of this. Otherwise there's a high chance she'll resent you for not being faithful to her father. Her idea of loyalty will be different from your idea of loyalty, which is why I'm guessing she'll feel you have betrayed her father, and in a way: betrayed her as well. Then let her cool down and see what happens.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (10 February 2013):
"am I selfish for having been bisexual while married?"
You're not selfish for being bisexual, but you have been in an open marriage where you've had partners outside of marriage. Your husband knows and approves, so it's not cheating, but there's no "need" for bisexuals to have two partners. It's episodes like yours that ruin bisexuals reputation... I am a bisexual and I've been met with this attitude from strangers who think I can't stick to one partner because apparently, being bisexual means you "NEED" two partners. That's just BS. I'm glad you and your partner are okay with this arrangement of yours, but being bisexual has nothing to do with this.
Bisexuals are attracted to both men and women. Okay. But why do you think that means you're entitled to have two at the same time? Both a man AND woman? That's two. Your husband is heterosexual, so he likes only women. By your logic, he will also have a "need" for several women.. as he does enjoy women in general, same as you. Being ATTRACTED to both genders does not mean you are entitled to have sex with everyone you find attractive... Same as a man in a relationship with a woman is NOT entitled to sleep with anyone he is attracted to.
I don't think your daughters problem is that you are bisexual, the problem is that she thought you and her father were exclusive. She didn't know about the secret arrangement where mommy gets a free pass to have sex with others.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 February 2013):
 Oh OP I"m so sorry for you and your daughter.
She just needs some time to adapt to this as it's a huge change for her... she spent the first 19 years of her life thinking she had the "norman rockwell" family...
now without warning she finds out that she has a mom who is bisexual. (as an aside... when my teen step daughter told me she was bi-curious, it kind of took the wind out of her "shock mommy" sails when I said... that's great I'm bisexual. so maybe that may be a tiny part of it... less shock factor for parents later on)
but I digress....
if you have tried to talk to her alone I can see why she refuses... she probably sees this as a betrayal of daddy.
If she is NOT aware that your husband was a willing and happy participant in this agreement, she needs to know that her father not only knew but approved....
if you have tried to talk to her alone I suggest that you and dad talk to her together... or if she's not willing to do that, perhaps your husband could talk to her....
if she still refuses to talk to either of you, then perhaps you can encourage her to see a therapist short term to help her work through her feelings.
she will have many... in some ways she has to mourn the death of the fairytale family she thought she had.... so she will go through the 5 stages of mourning...
I think time will help heal.... and a united family front with her dad will help....
I wish you the best with this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2013): I think the other posters have been a little harsh... It is fantastic that you have a husband that is willing to support your happiness in this way. This is going to be tough on your daughter, and it may take a while for her to be willing to open up to you... perhaps ask your husband to speak to her about it first? Perhaps if she knew a little more about the situation, she would not feel so betrayed? I truly with you the best of luck with this.Just as an aside, to the other 'female anonymous' poster: the situation you describe (a husband's 'need to sleep with another woman') is not in the least bit the comparable to this! As a bisexual woman, I can tell you that sex with a man and sex with a woman are completely different experiences. A man simply does not have all the organs and touches there to satisfy the woman's desire for a woman! If a woman is having sex with another man because her husband can't satisfy her, that would be more like what you are describing. In most cases, bisexual people have to choose between the sexes (often choosing heteronormativity to 'fit in').. it is refreshing for me to see someone that doesn't have to. It is sad that bisexuality is so misunderstood and misrepresented.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2013): You are going to have to give her time as she will be very shocked right now. It is also going to be hard for her to believe that you were not cheating on her Dad as the arrangement you have is very strange. You married your husband so that should have been the end of you sleeping with other people, male or female. Imagine he had a 'need' to sleep with another woman because she would not give him anal or some other thing you were unwilling to do. Would you be ok with that? The fact you are having sex with a woman doesn't make it any different, although it will probably make it harder for your daughter to understand because you are married to her dad, a man.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2013): It's bad enough to walk in your your parents making love, let alone walking in on a parent doing it with someone else or even someone else the same sex.It was a bit daft to be doing this where your daughter could walk in on it. If you're going to have a secret life, keep it secret. That means no meeting up at your place for sex, or anywhere else your daughter might walk in on it.As for your daughter, it's going to take a lot of time for her to get over this, assuming she ever does. I'd let her know that you're there for her when (if) she wants to talk to you. Perhaps ask your husband to be the go between, but don't push it. Give her the space and time that she needs, but be prepared for her to want nothing to do with you for a long time, if ever again.
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