A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:HelloI hope you can help me i'm at the end of my tether.I have been married very happily for 16 years.Recently my husband and I have been discussing how best to talk to our teenage daughter about sex. She already has a little knowledge learnt at school.Weve not yet spoken to her.Anyway, the subject of one night stands came up, and my husband was against them. Saying he wanted his daughter to value herself. I on the other hand said they were o.k and learned a woman to be in control of her body and the how, were , when and with whom.Anyway the discussion escalated into an argument, with my husband saying I was undermining his authority as head of the household, and that wether you believe in the Bible or Darwins Theory. The Hierarchy is Man, woman, child in that order (each happy in their role). And that you only have to look at nature to work that out.I have to say he's never spoken like this before, We have a open communicative relationship. he's never been possesive of me and I go out with my friends (some single) regularly.Ive spoken to my single friends, and they say its perfectly normal to have one night stands and that it's a liberating experience.Now my husband is saying, he can see our family crumbling in front of his eyes, and can do nothing to stop it. He also says my sexual boundaries have moved, and doubts have set in his mind as to wether I can be trusted. I've told him I would never consider it whilst married. But if I was single I would not be made to feel guilty.Anyway he says he wished we had had the word obey in the wedding vows (I had it dropped, he agreed).And persists that as head of the household, he can veto my opinion being put to my daughter.This argument as been going on for a couple of months, at one stage he got very Angry, smashed a plate against the wall and flew out the door in a rage. Behaviour I've never wittnessed before, he's not a violent or agressive man, if anything he's on the easy going side.Now he says things like you want our daughter to be slag do you?And that my single friends have poisoned my mind.(I assume he thinks they are slags too)He's threatened to leave if I tell her my opinion.I've spoken to my friends, and they say to have a quiet word in her ear, but not to tell Dad.What do you think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2007): well i think hes scared that shes young and will end up pregnant therefore ruining her life, and all this could be building stress because some fathers do not want their baby girl to grow up... trust me my dads the same way. mayb his work is stressful lately. i think u need to sit down n have a talk telling him how u feel about wats going on. say u understand things are messed up right now but u love him n u want to try and fix things. and as for throwing stuff mayb he needs to c a coupld anger management classes. just to be safe. but keep us informed. remember believe in urself n trust ur instincts.
A
female
reader, bliss-xo  +, writes (28 October 2007):
 Well, as a teenage girl myself, I don't think it'd be best to tell her that one night stands are ok. I mean don't encourage them, rather if the situation comes up with her in the future and she's asking for advice, tell her that sex is natural and one night stands happen for pleasure. Honestly, giving her a sex talk including one night stands probably isnt the best at the moment seeing that your husband is obviously upset about all of this.
If your relationship has been good and open and you have been able to communicate for this long, I am sure you will be able to do it again, perhaps give it alittle time with out bringing it up again. Then calmy duscuss it, you are both adults and I am sure you can come to a compramise on the situation. Having your daughter hear or see this behavouir over talking to her about one-night-stands certainly isn't going to give her any reason to listen to either of you if you can't come to a conclusion. My best friend is an example of a situation like that and she will now not listen to either of her parents opinions on sex or relationships, really she should since her veiws aren't the greatest and seem to be getting her in trouble but she isn't and won't.
Anyways, I hope I was at least alittle help on the matter.. good luck :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2007): Your husband seems to have a very legitimate concern here regarding your daughter...There are a lot of very important things to discuss with your daughter in regards to sex.....pregnancy, emotional well being, std's, date rape, very important things...wether or not you approve or dissaprove of one night stands doesn't even need to be discussed unless she asks. You two are projecting onto your daughter.
This seems to be more of an argument of control between your husband and you rather than what is best for the child.
P.S. 16 is a bit late to have this discussion with your daughter in today's society.
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A
female
reader, Oblivia  +, writes (28 October 2007):
 I think he is very worried and panicking over the fact that his little girl is growing up. It's one thing I wonder about though, what is it you are really arguing over? Is it that you are trying to decide what to pass on to your daughter as words of truth about certain things? Like one-night-stands are either right or wrong? In the end she will of course do whatever she feels like and therefore maybe the best thing would be to just talk to her about it in a neutral way, ask her what she would think and have some discussion about what values she is comfortable about. I'm not sure it is good to tell one-night-stands are good and liberating but neither I think it is sound to tell it is something to feel guilt and ashamed of. I think you should be the wise here, since he sounds like he flipped out a bit about it, and maybe suggest another line where you don't have to tell a specific opinion at all about this, just talk to her about various risks in a non judgmental way. Help and teach her to be confident in whatever choices SHE decides to make in her life forward and later as an adult. I'm sure she will get a lot of various opinions from friends, magazines, websites and other grown ups anyway. Not even her father can prevent her from this.
Wish you luck and take care!
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