A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband used to be very GQ and with his former wife and a couple of former girlfriends he always dressed up when they went out. But ever since I've known him he puts absolutely no effort into his appearance and if I suggest he shower, or put on some clean jeans when we're going out, he throws a big fit and tells me I'm being judgemental. I just don't get it! We were invited to a wine tasting party last night after work. I wore nice pants, and a black clingy shirt and a sexy little furry vest and heels. You would think he might've taken a cue from my attire and attempted to match it. He knew days in advance we were going and it was his idea in the first place. When I got off work I called him so he'd have some time to shower and get changed, since he works in the field and comes home looking kind of dirty and wind blown. He threw a fit. So I didn't push the issue. When we got there, I realized his hair was a mess, he hadn't shaved and he wore the worst jacket he owns, the one he uses when we go CAMPING! It was filthy with dust and fire soot. WTF? I was so embarrassed but kept quiet and managed to hide from a few people who work in my building. When the party was over, I tried to explain to him that I would've really appreciated it if he could've spritzed some water on his hair, shaved and wore a different jacket. I was not asking for a tuxedo. But as usual he got totally bent out of shape and said I was being ridiculous. Am I?....I just don't know why it's so hard for him to spruce up a bit when we go out. And on the rare occasion that he does, he ruins the night by complaining about it and it totally brings down my mood. I feel like I'm worth making an effort for. It's not like we go out that much anyhow, what's the big deal? I feel like it's inconsiderate on his part and he feels I'm being shallow. I just don't know what to do. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2011): Remember, men are rediculous creatures.Tempt him into dressing up in return for rewards, like boons, beer, or sexIt works on me every time.p.s. a honk honk does the trick every time
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2011): No you're not being shallow, because his behavior is socially inappropriate and as his wife it reflects badly on you so you've got every right to be upset.
If he's always been so unkempt all his life I would say this is just the way he is and you can't change him. But what concerns me is that you say he used to be totally opposite, with his first wife and previous gf's. So, something in him changed a complete 180 and this is what I would be concerned about. People don't change drastically without a reason. Is he depressed? one sign of depression is loss of interest in things that use to interest the person, and maybe caring about his appearance is an example.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your compassionate answer "So Very Confused" it made alot of sense. I am pretty laid back when it comes to his attire most of the time. I have to dress up for work every day, so I enjoy schleping around in sweats at other times when we're just going grocery shopping or running errands. But I liked your advise, to just leave him at home next time he can't make the effort. I was tempted to last night, but I didn't quite have the nerve; although I did later point out that if he was too tired to make the effort I could have gone without him and that would have been okay. So I wrote him a heart felt letter late last night and left it on his computer. That way I could say what needed to be said without interruption from him (or reaction) I think it got his attention because he later apologized. Thanks for your advise. I just needed to know I wasn't being unreasonable or "shallow".
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (2 December 2011):
 Dressing appropriately for an event is part of being an adult...
I tend to over dress because my bf asks me to dress up for him... but most of the time he's in jeans or sweats (like for movies and stuff) and I dont' bother about that.. but when we go out somewhere he will ask what I would like him to wear.
Can you just start not going out with your husband when he won't clean up? Will that spur him on to dress more appropriately do you think?
I think asking him to dress appropriately for an event is not asking too much. I am not sure if I would be seen in public with my guy if he did not clean up now and then as requested.
it's one thing to not dress up to run errands.... it's another to not bathe and comb your hair...
and yet another to not be appropriate in attire for an event...
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