A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So I have been with my husband for five years and we just got married last month. He is the perfect husband other then the fact that he has A HORRIBLE time showing affection. I've confronted him many times over the years about this and he will be great for a few days and then the affection disappears. I'm 30 years old and I feel like he loves me but has no desire to hold my hand, put his hand on my leg, rub my back, have sex.... this makes me feel horrible and sad.... I really don't know what to do,,, the worst part is that I have a friend that really flirts with him and I see a spark in his eye and he acts differently around her. For instance the three of us went out last night and she asked him to dance and HE DID! OK this would be fine if he EVER danced with me - but he's danced with me once, at our wedding. There wasn't even any hesitation he danced immediately in the bar - and nobody else was even dancing... and he looked like he was really enjoying it,,,I don't want to be jealous but that made me so sad.. my stomach is in knots. I tried not to show it but I can't stop thinking about it. She has been fooling around with a lot of men the last few years and she just recently separated from her husbnd....she's cheated on him MANY times... I don't know that I trust her. I want to but I feel like something is there... I can't even get him to hold my f'ng hand without asking over and over.... I wonder if this is going to work - he says he loves me and thinks I'm sexy and is so excited that we got married but I wonder.... He is very understanding and a great communicator in every other way but this way - the other problem is that he can't always last that long when we do have sex and I try not to make a big deal out of it - but I don't feel like a woman.... I just want him to ravage me...and I've said this to him many times.... I really don't know what to do.... I'm miserable......
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female
reader, vickies +, writes (10 July 2010):
I understand where you are coming from. I have been married to my husband for over 33 years. He has never been loving, caring or affectionate to me or our girls. I just took this to be his personality UNTIL I saw him with the last young woman he was having an affair with. He fell "IN LOVE" with her. He was everything that I had ever wanted from him, with her. They broke up shortly after I found out about them, they talked alot but she would not meet him much after that. He went over the edge, he had started drinking about 8 months before I found out and now 4 years later he is in rehab for the 2nd time since their affair. I do not think he loves me at all, that was said by him while he drank, I am sure that if he loved me could have given me some of that "LOVE" that he passed out to the other women. You might want to start checking on your husband and whatch his calls, his working extra and just being gone extra times. He might be like my husband "IN LOVE" with someone else. Sorry.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all of your responses... I must say I'm still baffled - I really want our relationship to work out so badly... I am fightened like a ferw of you have mentioned that this is a vicious cycle that will never end... I did confront him - again last night and told him that I've written for hep on line as I'm so distraught...we have had a very crazy year and have had A LOT on our plates but I feel as though this will only get worse through the years...as we have more going on....he is everything I need other than the affection....he is shocked I wrote and we plan to talk about it tomorrow once we have some alone time...I will keep all of you posted and THANK YOU again - it means so much to me that each of you took the time to respond and share your thoughts.
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A
female
reader, Nikki29sl +, writes (3 August 2007):
This will never change, trust me. My husband and I have been together for 12 years. Of course the first few years might be cute, but when things settle, he just goes back to the same person he was before. I understand back in high school I accepted it, but you know after a while of being married with 2 children, and years of sharing my deepest thoughts, it's time to be a man and open up. For 7 years, I have quietly suggested to out right asked, begged, cried, and left - well leaving got his attention. He showed me what I have been wanting for years, but it only lasted a few weeks. This cycle has been going on ever since, thats right an on going cycle for 7 years. Then I started getting the "I am paying attention, you just don't notice". I gave up on him a long time ago as my husband, but I have stayed with him, because he is my best friend and a great father. So I am like one of the "boys" and he is settled and happy where he is - Even though I am not happy as a wife.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2007): I understand your feelings very well as my husband is 'odd' in that way. Despite my amazing lingerie on our wedding night it went virtually un noticed and there were no comments (and not surprisingly no sex) that night. We had sex twice on a two week honeymoon. He can be demonstrative BUT it is never at a time that really counts or is most natural and I find sometimes he does it in front of others to kind of make out he's like that but behind closed doors it is like a black cloud over me. The thing is here that you HAVE told him and you HAVE already tried and the real issue, as I have myself, is that you get to the point when you think it really shouldn't be this much effort it should be natural - and you want it to be natural. My husband when we're out will often walk two or even three paces ahead of me - as if its a race. I feel like a child running along to keep up with the parent. He doesn't hold my hand or care whether I'm next to him or not. We need to feel protected and loved without feeling suffocated. My husband has never held me in bed - he's even commented that he can't understand couples who want to sleep curled up together its not 'normal'. I have found his approach disappointing and it leads to a deep seated resentment. I have also seen this 'spark' between him and other females and I don't get jealous but I find it astonishing that he can be so two-faced. I've held out for 14 years like this, I'm childless as a result of a poor sex life and I've had enough. All I am offering is a view that is different and perhaps yes cynical to the other posts here but I've read books and made comments.... but when is enough enough? Try things for sure as you will know that you have tried, but set a time limit and define what your goals are - what would you miss from a man that does not satisfy you physically and emotionally? Apart from the numb familiarity of exactly that.
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A
male
reader, quarky  +, writes (29 July 2007):
 Here's my opinion - for what it's worth...
Guys can be quite obtuse when it comes to showing love and affction at the best of times - it really does not mean that we don't love you! Other pressures - work is the prime example, can sometimes get in the way.
Asking him several times to hold your hand may not be the best idea, just holding his to start with may be better. In general, it's up to the guy to make the moves - perhaps you could try making the moves instead?
Throughout these forums, you'll see the same thing - communication. And I really can't stress that enough - talk to him about the thoughts and feelings you're having - he sounds like a great guy and he'd listen.
Re the friend it may just be that she's a good laugh etc and that there is nothing more to it than that as far as he's concerned. Again, it may be worth talking about this with him.
There are techniques that can be used in the bedroom too - and if these are introduced by you, I bet things will improve!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2007): There are books, audio cd's and videos by John Gray, Ph. D.
I have just finished reading a fabulous book by him, Men are From Mars and Women are from Venus. I recommed you get this book and read it. You'll have your eyes opened and hope restored.
You have the desire to make your marriage work now get some new skills. Be happy and successful.
I also recommend you look into obtaining John Gray's book, Mar and Venus Together, Understanding they cycles of Intamacy as well as Mars and Venus in the Bedroom.
It could be all in the delivery of how you express yourself, is it encouraging or does it come across as blaming?
It could be that you are forgetful of thanking him when he DOES hold your hand and tell him that it makes you feel happy, loved, secure, desired. Recognize what he does and when he does. He'll want to do it more because he KNOWS he is doing something "right".
Try some individual counselling as well, it helps to have a supportive ear that will teach you new skills to use to get what you want and need in a loving, supportive manner.
Best Wishes.
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