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female
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anonymous
writes: My husband is 43 but he looks atleast 55 - greying, balding and generally cares a damn. I'm 38 but look much younger (as per others) and often nowadays people mistake him for my father. Perhaps sounds really immature but I feel really ashamed to be with him in public. ( Not that he's too caring a man otherwise). How should I deal with this??
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2006): I agree with Irish49. I don't think anyone can be blamed for the current situation. Certainly from your husbands perspective he has done nothing wrong and as for you, I guess you feel a victim since these are circumstances that you had never wished for.
I really think the problem is beyond just looks and maybe you need to do some deep searching in your heart to see why you feel this way. There are three areas of your question that I find particularly concerning and possibly provide the answers that you seek. (1) You imply that your husband is careless about his looks. Considering how much it bothers you one would assume that if love between the two of you was deep, he should have picked up on your resentment to date. Obviously he hasn't. (2)Your concerns about being with him in public - this implies that love has somehow dwindled over the years. Anyone in love would not feel this way so you need to ask yourself if you still love him. (3)You imply he's not a caring man. I'm not sure if you mean caring as in affection towards you or inconsiderate to your needs. Either way, I am surprised he hasn't picked up on how you feel so far. Leads me to think love has dwindled on both sides?
In conclusion, I think you need to do some deep searching in your own mind to find the best way ahead with this since currently its obvious you are at a point in life that wasn't part of your original dreams and as a result you feel suffocated in this relationship.
The brutal truth is - you already know which way things are heading maybe this question is your way to put things in perspective to see the obvious?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2006): You must not love your man, because if you did you would be proud to be seen with him looking old or not.
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A
female
reader, anon2907  +, writes (17 September 2006):
 Hey,
I think perhaps this assumption that people make is partly down to you as much as it's about his looks.
People make judgements, rightly or wrongly, about the people they meet and the relationship those people have and so on based on more than just the looks of the people involved.
If you feel ashamed of your husband, this is likely to manifest itself in your behaviours towards him while you are out in public. Look back, this is the kind of behaviour a lot of girls have around their fathers because they're 'too cool' to be seen with them.
And yet we don't make the same assumptions about older guys going out with *much* younger girls, because we can tell from their behaviours towards each other that they're clearly not father and daughter - despite the age gap.
The conclusions people make, I would suggest are predominently as a result of body language and our unconcious understanding of the relationship people have by the way they interact with each other - for example whether you're together/apart/holding hands/linking arms/generally tactile/affectionate/whether you walk side by side or one in front of the other - that sort of thing. Some people are very astute at this sort of thing and some aren't, but mostly people pick up on these signals unconciously - and usually your body language is the unconcious way you're outwardly expressing your inner thoughts.
So unfortunately, you're going to have to take a little of this problem on yourself and examine the way you two behave together. Having recognised the problem, if you genuinely love this man, regardless of his apparent ageing, this should be something easy to resolve. And you may find that making a concious effort to be more tactile and so on re-ignites the spark in your marriage??
Good luck with it,
Anon2907
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2006): Well, what can I say.. Two words... Sean Connery!
He's had his bus pass for the best part of 10 years now, but hey what a cracking looking man! Maybe its more a case of you realising that you too are ageing, and want to make the most of the late summer months before autumn enters into your life, maybe its time to realise, that the russet colours of falling leaves, can be far more attractive than the scorched yet verdant greens of summer.
In short,is he not the same man you fell in love with ? Sure his hair might be thinning and greying, maybe hes put on a few pounds, but thats life! But how huffed off would you be if he turned round and said the same thing, hes someone that loves you for you right now and would most probably look beyond all that, true love looks beyond all of this. Going on a recent case study the ideal age for a mans partner is to half his age and add 7, so technically he should be going out with a 28 year old! Time to stop being shallow! And learn to accept your man for the man he is!
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female
reader, bonym  +, writes (16 September 2006):
 For better for WORSE, in sickness and in health, till death.... etc etc
Be honest with him, but dont be harsh, be tactful and gentle with him and explain to him that you feel he needs to perhaps take more care of himself and maybe he should take more pride in his appearance. Good luck. xXx
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2006): It sounds like your husband has aged prematurely and you haven't. Not much you can do about this, except to accept it or support him to making some positive changes to his outward appearences to looking more younger. You can encourage this, but it may not work. He may be comfortable with the way he looks. It's sad to say but you sound unhappily married and I really don't think you have much respect for him, dear. Otherwise, you wouldn't feel this way. In a good long term marriage, physical attributes usually mean very little, when one learns to love the person for 'who' they are. I think if you want to work at the problems in your marriage..both of you should seek marriage counselling.
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