A
female
age
51-59,
*amantha99
writes:My husband is in the army and is posted to the North of England while I still live in Scotland. He comes home at weekends. We have been married for nearly 12 years and have one child, a daughter aged 9.His ex girlfirend lives near to the area he has been posted to and he has recently established contact with her through chasing mutual friends on the Friends reunited website. I found this out by accident as he had logged on to the site on our home pc and was still logged in when I next visited the site. Being curious, and I know this is wrong, I decided to have a look at his messages. I found various messages to friends asking if they had her contact details and also saying that he still thinks about her. One of the friends must have contacted her because she then joined the site and started sending messages to my husband.The friends were also arranging a get-together and she was also invited to this.I explained to my husband that I wasn't happy with the situation, especially as he was the one who was doing all the chasing. Being separated means that you become more paranoid and I know that I may have been over-reacting. He promised that he would stop contacting her. He knew that I was upset and even went to the trouble of making me a romantic meal to apologise. During the meal, he looked me in the eye and promised me that he would have no further contact with her. I feel really stupid because I believed him. I even slept with him that evening after the meal which makes me feel even more used. True, he did stop contacting her on friends reunited, but instead did it through facebook. He told me that he was contacting a few friends on facebook but promised me that he wasn't in touch with her. I decide to have a look at his girlfriend's facebook page using my own log in. There, on her wall were several messages from my husband, the latest one being of a flirtatious nature, saying that he was keen to see her photos and asking her if she was being shy with him. This message was posted on Sun 16th March.This was eating away at me all last week. I didn't mention anything about this to my husband but asked him on the phohe last Wednesday if he was sure that he hadn't contacted her on facebook. He promised me again that he hadn't been in touch with her.I felt totally unable to speak to him so on Thursday I sent him a text with the exact words of the last message he had sent to his ex. He then came back to Scotland that evening to try and sort things out but I have been so hurt that I have been unable to deal with this. I am thinking about it all the time. I want to forgive him but I have lost all trust in him. I'm not sure if I am being paranoid and over reacting. I am so confused and going though every emotion imaginable from anger to hurt to feeling like a complete idiot. He has lied to me before about other things but this is the worst it has been.I want to move on from this but I am going totally crazy. I would really appreciate it if anyone can help me and offer any advice.
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female
reader, Gena Bullock  +, writes (25 March 2008):
 Honey, don't let him take advantage of you in this way. He started this mess and how would you know if he has stopped at this point?
Ask him to be transferred and check with his superiors regarding this mess. I would put him in a precarious situation with his work at this point. He's an embarrassment to his rank and to your family. He has a wife and child at home and is hound dogging an ex?? How lame.
If he doesn't make a change to get closer to home, then kick him out. File for divorce and get alimony (using the emails, etc. with dates and such) and get child support.
YOu don't deserve to be treated this way. It isn't fair.
Counseling too should help, IF he's willing. He needs some guidance through the service...for sure. THEY offer it too.
Good luck and keep in touch! Gena
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 March 2008):
 Well it certainly looks like he's been trying to test the waters out with his ex. I'd say you have every right and reason to be upset about this. You are hardly paranoid or overreacting. He's been lying straight to your face about it. I'm afraid you can't trust anything he says. You will have to have a nice long chat, you'll probably get some more lies, however this time tell him you will have to separate if he does anymore of this nonsense. Then keep your eyes open and if he does contact her again, then kick him out. I think he thinks he can get away with it, don't let him.
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