A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband left us just before Xmas saying that he 'wanted out' and didn't feel anything for me anymore. This started because many years ago I told him a lie and he found out about it. The thing is the lie was explainable and justifiable but he will not listen to my version of events. I have written letters, phoned (and he slams the phone down) emailed my case and my reasons and still he will not forgive me or talk to me. He will only deal with the children direct on their mobiles and I have to hear arrangements for them second hand. He is divorcing me and has even made me sign a letter saying tat I will not contact him directly or he will take an injunction out against me. The reason I am so angry is that his reaction is not fair and he will not listen to my side of things. Not being able to explain myself to his face is making me mentally ill. My question is 'why will he not listen to me' or is he just using this as an excuse to ease his guilt so he can walk away from this relationship feeling justified. I have also via a solicitor told him that I cannot hear arrangements for the children second hand but he still continues in this manner. I accept he wasn't very happy with me as he is a sociable person and I am not but I do not feel it is right to treat anyone this way. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): Sounds like both of you have a problem. Your exact words are "The thing is the lie was explainable and justifiable but he will not listen to my version of events."
You are wrong on this..later you advise you stole money to give him a holiday. That is not justifiable--all of us like holidays, trips and vacations. Are you suggesting we just take someone else's money or company money without permission to squander on our desires? Sounds like that is what you are advocating. Yes you can explain the stealing, but you can't justify it.
I think I agree with some other posters.Pay the money back, anonymously, or if the company does not exist, give an equal amount to a good charity--the homeless, a cancer charity or similar.
As to your relationship issues, it sounds like you are fixating on this one issue, but likely your husband feels there are a multitude of issues clouding the relationship. If he won't tell you what they are, then you will have a tough go of it.
A
female
reader, MissWendlemoot  +, writes (2 July 2008):
 I think your husband is being beyond ridiculous over this. Yes what you did was very wrong but good grief, it was over 20 years ago and I am sure he has told lies and has done things he isn't proud of.
Were there other problems in your marriage that he may have been looking for an excuse to leave?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): Okay I am not here to judge you, but as you are aware, what you did was very wrong; however, I do not believe your husband have been totally honest with you; I think there is more to him leaving you then just that.The fact that he is refusing all contact and communication with you is indicating that he is avoiding you and there must be a reason or reasons for; I suggest you stop making contact with him to; work via your lawyer if need be;
You need to let go; set yourself free from the quilt of the past and move on!
It will be difficult, but you have to focus on yourself and your children.
Be strong.
...............................
A
female
reader, Artistry  +, writes (1 July 2008):
 Hi, Thanks for your additional information. My question to you would be, since your husband, was a recipient to your spending of the money, which was ill gotten, did he ever suggest that you both pay the money back, even anonymously to the company? Now, I am guessing he never has. If so, why not write him and suggest that he give you back the money you spent on him, or better yet send the money anonymously, back to the company, to repay the debt, so that it is settled in a way. If he says nothing, or refuses to do so, then he can stop the holyier than thou stance. That is what I suggest. For you, the same thing, consider paying back the money, without attaching a name, maybe confessing to your priest or minister, and get on with your life, there are worse things that people have done, does not make it right, but you didn't kill anybody. Take care and good luck to you. Take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (1 July 2008):
 I think you should accept that it's over and move on. Whether he really is upset about your crime or whether he really just wants out is a moot point.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (1 July 2008):
 I can't understand why he's really hanging on to this. You don't sound too remorseful either although I suppose time has a way of cleansing our consciences. What you did was a crime but I don't get why he wants to make this stand.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat actually happeed is that 22 years ago I derauded te company I worked for out of some money so I could take my boyfriend - now husband on holiday. I was never caught but soon to be ex husband says that I was deceptive and should never have done such a thing and for doing that he can no longer trust me. I obviously took this money as I wanted to do something nice for him and wanted to be with him but he says this was wrong and he wouldn't have gone if he had known etc etc. This is all so long ago that although I accept it was wrong no one got hurt and no one even found out so cannot see why he is so cross. He won't accept I did it for him and will not listen to me at all slamming the phone down if I call etc. Would you bohter trying to make him listen anymore or just accept it is over and let him go?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2008): You said it didn't involve any other guys. And that's about the only extenuating circumstance that I can think of to make a guy get this messed up about a
"small thing."
Whatever it is, it sounds like we're going to think he's being an asshole about it when we hear what the lie was.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (30 June 2008):
Considering nobody knows you, it must be a whopper of a lie if you're afraid to disclose the information. Once again, I have a difficult time blaming him if you're not willing to give me the facts. I don't have a complete picture.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for all your posts. My lie was truly totally insignicant and involved no other men or anything like that. I have sent him a final e-mail on this subject and version of my side of events ( this was over 20 years ago)and as always have received no response. I have stepped back and can only think he has used this as a get out as he was looking for a way out and found this convenient to use. I don't want to broadcast what it was on this site but I have spoken in depth to friends about it who all were surprised by his refusal to listen. In the end it doesn't really matter what I think or feel on this because if for whatever reason he doesn't want to respond he isn't going to and I can't make him.
I am always friendly and helpful in all my dealins with him although he never responds or acknowledges anything from me so I can only continue in this vein and get used to getting nothing from him.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2008): I too was fed sex,lies and secrets off my ex fiancee for the last 2 years. I`d have given anything for an explanation. All i ever got was lies,denial,aggression or told out of this world stories. All i can say is its a shame its had such an impact on him,but once trust gets broke its hard to get back to normal.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (29 June 2008):
I think you left out the biggest piece of information here.....What was the lie? At this point the only person trying to justify something is you. You're minimizing the lie to suit your side of the story.
If the lie had something to do with another man then this must have been festering in the back of your husbands mind for years. When he found out you lied.....the trust was gone. What was the lie?
...............................
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (29 June 2008):
Hi there, If an indivdual does not want to listen, then it appears to me, that they have made up their mind, and do not want to listen, because they want their version of things, to be the one that prevails. They do not want to be persuaded by any reasonable argument, so they turn off their logic and subcumb to "I am right, you are wrong", even if there is a chance that they are wrong. They are standing on the fact, that you told an untruth, and their high regard for you has made them feel, that they put their trust in you and you betrayed them. With this type of mindset on his part, as you are seeing, he is unlikely to changeThere could also be another reason that he wants to end therelationship, and this is a convenient excuse, you may not know the reason until later, if there is another reason.If he has no intention of opening his mind and heart to your explanation, then you have to move on with your life and pleasedo not drive yourself crazy over this. It has always been my contention, that I would not want to be with anyone who does not want to be with me. Let him go whereever he is going, pick yourself up and try to find happiness in another zone. You are capable of being loved and being loving,do not fret for too long over this, life throwns you curve balls. The rest of the story is what matters, after you have given the best you can to resolving the situation. Be there for your children and firstly for yourself, you cannot continue to chase a "ghost", that would be in my estimation, someone who you think is what they are not, he is not there for you any more, he has changed. Let it be, for your own peace of mind. If he returned to you physically, he would probably hold this episode against you for the rest of your time together. How would that be helpful to you and your family? Find happiness somewhere else, for your sake. Good luck to you always.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2008): I have great empathy with you and can understand that you must be in emotional turmoil; the fact that he will not give you closure is adding to your frustration;
HOWEVER I cannot really give you much advise as I do not know how severe and what the impact of your lies have been on his life or your lives;
I can with the information at hand only suggest that you will (no matter how difficult) respect his wishes in order to avoid a court order or interdict; stop contacting him; I realize this is difficult for you, but it does not seem as if you have any other alternative;
Start focusing on your children and your future.
I suggest you contact a counselor to help you deal with the emotions and frustrations.
Be strong; best wishes
...............................
|
