A
female
age
51-59,
*inda88
writes:i have been married for 20years i have 2 kids. my husband had an affair and told me he didn't want the marriage anymore he moved in with this women and her kids he lived with her for about 1 year. he has moved out of her home now. i started to date and have meet a nice guy. my husband meet me the other day to say he has made some bad mistakes and will go for help to save this marrige, he has also told me this is not the first affair he had one with a friend of ours that hurts even more.i wish this family could be saved but i don't know if my feelings are there anymore.i didn't see much of the man im dating becuse we both have kids and don't live that close but im happy when im with me.im so confused becuse i have cried so many nights about this.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2007): Sounds like your marriage has made you a tad leery and cautious of other involvement. . Or maybe your sense of self worth was taken down a notch. If your husband called you down...especially in such a disgusting, derogatory way by using the c-word...I sometimes wonder what other names men like this call their wives. And that has to really scar some woman. Now, when a woman feels good about herself, she selects a partner who lets her know she is valued and respected. Your husband was and is not this man. dear. It seems you are realizing that. Keep believing in your ability to participate in a healthy, committed, reciprocal relationship. If you can't believe in that, then your husband has done more damage than you think. You may need help coping. If you are simply afraid of committing to this nice man, but really like him...you are not ready to date yet. You have baggage and you should work that through before getting into another relationship. You would be wise to go slow. Get to know him very, very well...first. I think you deserve it, hun...good luck and be happy
A
female
reader, penta  +, writes (5 September 2007):
 He's not a nice guy if he calls you the c-word. I don't think I could EVER get past that. His actions show a basic lack of respect for you. Leave him and don't look back.
(I know, that's easier to say than to do) You'll be happier if you break off all contact with this guy (as much as you can with the children to think of) and give yourself a chance for your heart to heal (which it won't do with repeated exposure to this guy).
It's cold turkey time, hon. Good luck.
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female
reader, linda88 +, writes (5 September 2007):
linda88 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for all you advice. I think that because my 20 year history was not the best with my husband besides the affairs, there was also alot of names he called me like the c word and it's alot to get passed.i don't know why i just can't let go all the way.why i keep hanging in waiting for a change.the man im dating called me to tell me that he really likes alot and is happy with me and would like a future with me.he has been hurt in the same way so he kind of understands. i do like him alot too he just a nice guy.what im i afraid of.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2007): Linda, you were married to man who just didn't have one affair behind your back...he has also told you that this current lover is not his first and only affair. He has done it to you before, without your knowlege. Ask yourself. Which situation will make 'you' happier. Trying to build a solid quality relationship with the new guy or...taking back a husband who you may never trust again and you have mixed feelings for? Marriage is important if it's purposeful and happy. The problem is, when children are involved...many women seem to think they need to hide there because it's the easiest, less challenging path to go. My advice to you, is try not to get stuck in looking for the right thing to do. Because if you do that, you will always want to go back to unhappy marriage with a serial cheater. You said you are happiest when "I'm with me'. So do just that! Try to do the thing that will make you outstanding, makes you special. Commit yourself to something that makes the difference in your life and the satisfaction with yourself. And when mom is happy..the kids are too. Tell your husband, the door is now closed on a reconcilaition. Get to a lawyer, start the divorce process, set up visitiation for the kids, get your child support payments coming in and get on with 'your' life.
Good luck, dear and I wish you the best.
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female
reader, penta +, writes (3 September 2007):
First you need to think about whether there's the possibility for a happy ending with your ex. Can you trust him not to cheat again? Not to hurt you again? Can you forgive him? If you honestly can't figure out how to do either of these things, then any reconciliation is doomed. Don't even bother trying.
But if (maybe through counseling?) he can prove he's reformed, and if you can find a way to forgive and to trust, then it's possible (it'll take work, but it's possible). He has to prove that he's committed to the work first.
If it's the latter, then you have to decide if what you could have with your ex is better than what you have with your current. That's a hard choice, especially since you've already worked through the crap your ex threw your way.
You might want to talk to a counselor on your own to see if s/he can help you work through this decision. They tend to ask some really good questions to get you to think about things in a way that helps you work it out.
Good luck.
P.S. If the only reason you're considering your ex is because of the kids, then forget it. You need to know whether YOU can be happy with him. The last thing your kids need is a miserable mom.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2007): I really feel for you... You maybe need to think about what you want and not what he wants. I am in a similar situation and shit it is hard. I always find myself thinking about what does he want and what do I need to do to make him happy, maybe it will be ok. Shall I try again, over and over and over, so I know how you feel. I think you may be like me and we are not thinking about what is best for us. It is about us trying to fix things that maybe we are not in control or responsible for. (Cheating!) Not our fault their flaw and their problem to fix their weaknesses, but not at our expense!Try not to confuse your new relationship with your old one. You might need time alone. And take as much time as you want to to decide what is best for you and the children. If your husband wants to work on himself (mine said he wants to!) then encourage that and perhaps support it to see if there is anything there that you want to keep. But - it's all about you now and your kids, take as much time, preferably without outside relationship confusions to see what you want to do. 20 Years history is a long time not to give time explore what went wrong, if anything. Maybe tell your husband that you don't know what you want to do and you need to make sure that if things can re-unit the family, it can only happen when you feel this is what you want to do, not just him!. Doll, This is the hardest thing I have been through so my thoughts are with you also, one day at a time! I cry all the time too, your not alone!. God bless and try take care of yourself in the meantime.
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