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female
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*iltingmagnolia
writes: Married, Unhappy and Wanting to be with someone else. I have been married for 2 years but we've been together for 5. My husband like to hunt (that makes me a hunter's widow to those who know my pain)and that keeps him away from home. He eats, breathes and sleeps to hunt (lucky are those who don't know what it's like to be me). So that leaves me at home for long periods of time with our year old son. My husband doesn't like it when I go out, he doesn't trust any of my friends, he doesn't even trust my boss whom I don't even work with. I feel like he has drained the life out of me. I have suggested counselling for us, and he is against it, says I'm the one with the problem so I need the counselling. Now here's my other problem: before I met my husband, I had broken up with my boyfriend of 6 years just about 2 months before. Me and the ex-BF didn't have a bad breakup, we had just mutually decided to go our seperate ways for a while. We are still friends even though my husband hates his guts. Problem is when I see him, I feel like a 14 year old with a crush on a high school boy. I get some serious feelings just from seeing him. He was my best friend and we had lots in common and got along great. I think about him a lot! We get to talk every few months or so and a few times feelings have been expressed. Then I hear from mutual friends that he is still asks about me and a few close friends says he is just as crazy about me. I know he has not had another serious relationship since we split. It's been almost 6 years since we were together and I know people change but we seem to have the same feelings when we get to talk about them. So here's my question: Do I forget about the ex-BF and stay committed to my marriage and make it work OR do I find a way out and be with someone who could be my soul mate?
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reader, pops +, writes (24 November 2005):
Don't you think you should have asked and answered this question before you got married, or before you had a son? Tired of being a hunter's widow? Find a babysitter for your son, and go hunting with your husband. Really. Every woman is a hunter when she shops sales-stalking her prey, positioning herself so she can edge out the competition( other women also shopping) and she arrives early to get the best deal. You can be a great hunter. Along the way, you will learn what it is about hunting that makes it your husband's passion, and you will gain both his companionship, and his respect. He may grumble a bit at the idea of taking you with him, but he will shortly find there is no better way to spend time in a deer stand or blind, waiting for first light than to be with your wife. ( You still know how to snuggle, and can attack him, if you want to do so, don't you?) If you are truly so unhappy with this marriage that you think it would be better for you to end it, then do so. But think of your son, first. Don't expect to get custody of him. Its not the sure thing every other woman may think. Some courts are not very kind to women who leave their husbands for other guys. Especially because they are mainly bored, or upset at being left at home to take care of a child. Some judges are old fashioned enough to believe that this job is particularly one for women, but if a woman objects, then the guy can take care of his own kid, hire sitters, etc. If we are lucky, all of us have past loves who we still think kindly about, and even have warm thoughts about. I still have a relationship with a girl I saw 40 years ago. She's now helping to raise her grandchildren, and has two grown kids, and her husband. That does not mean that I could live with her, or she could live with me, even if we were both single, and wanted to fire up that long ago relationship again. You don't tell us why you ended it with the old BF. Think about that. If he was not right then, how can be he be right for you now?
A
female
reader, S_J_K_J +, writes (24 November 2005):
I can understand you loneliness of your husband never being home(TRUST ME) if you feel that badly by staying with your husband, and if he is not willing to give you 100% effort why should you continue to put effort in. Its is pointless we no longer live in th3 50's, divorce is accepted these days, And you have every right to be happy, from what I hear you don't need counselling, you need to be happy. If you feel that good with your ex maybe you should explain to your husband your needs and tell yourself you are worth it and stop cutting yourself short. I was told also that I need the counselling and I did get it.Therapist toldme, I was worth it and I deserve more thatn I give myself credit for and that I wasn't being respected.
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A
female
reader, innermind +, writes (24 November 2005):
I wonder if you went back to your ex would you be looking for someone else in six years time? it seems six years is about your tolerance level for a relationship and then you need a change. the y say the greass is alsways greener on he otherside and its easy to look back on a relationship with rose coloured glasses.you say you are a hunters widow, well welcome to the widows club. we have football widows, golfing widows, rugby widows and self build widows.every relationship can benefit from time out to follow personal interests. what does concern me though is your husbands inability to let you have time out too. he needs to know that he can trust you as you trust him when he's away and this trust needs to be established soon before he turns into a jailer. I suspect this lack of trust could be fuelled by you maitaining a friendship with your ex. and if you're already considering the possibility of going back to your ex its no wonder your husband doesnt trust you.I'm not going to tell you what to do. this is a decision only you can make and sooner or later you will have to choose. you cant have both. but dont just think about what's best for you. Think about whats best for your son. good luck
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