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female
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anonymous
writes: I feel like a total let down to myself. I have four children but my husband led a double life for six years telling lie after lie and even arranging a marriage with some else who he has a child with.I took him back and it was lovely to have a real family life.However I then got very angry and stated seeing a man at work who i am still with now. I have know him for 13 years. He has two children of his own, but my husband got with his ex wife and has caused nothing but trouble.To cut it short they have stopped my partner from seeing his children and we have spent thousands on solictors fee. His ex got £200 hundred thousand when her father died. I am not a heartless person but this woman never worked but has spent over £20 thousand in ten months on holidays alone. Now there is nothing left.My ex husband earns over 60 thousand per year but only gives me £500 per month due to his other son.They have also done really nasty things to me, such as taking credit in my name for approx 30 thousand and he slept with numerous people in my family which I have only just found out.The thing is my children like see their dad, even tbough two of them never existed in the life he had with his other lover.I have now stopped the children from seeing him until He and I find out why he is lying all the time. He is now seeking medical help.Meanwhile my current partner has had enough of the situation and has gone away to sort his head out.What can I do? I am going insane with worry and I have worked at the same company for 13 years but the owner God Bless was only 34 but has died.I therefore now have no job and a mortgage of £1700 to pay and income support has lost my form.Can somebody please help?
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female
reader, missbunbury  +, writes (24 November 2005):
 You poor thing, it sounds as if you've had a really hard time of it lately, and I can see why you're so worked up - you've got a lot to deal with and I bet you're starting to feel like it's all getting on top of you. I think a helpful approach would be to try and break things down into manageable chunks.
First, your money issues. Make sure your mortgage company are aware of your situation, as they may be willing to offer a certain amount of leeway due to the sudden and inexpected loss of your job. You'll need to find a new job though, as the mortgage isn't going to go away. You may want to consider moving somewhere more affordable so that this pressure is eased slightly. You also need to re-do your income support form and send it again, as I know from experience that once a form is lost, there's not much chance of it reappearing. So take control of this one - it's a small thing, but it will make you feel better if instead of freaking about them having lost it you can think "well, they did lose it, but I have dealt with that and am back on track."
Now, to move on to your relationship problems. I hate to come across as judging you, but I've got to say that it sounds as if you and your ex-husband have both lost track of what's really important here, namely the happiness of your children. You sound as if you're so angry and bitter towards your ex that you just want to hurt him - in fact, you admit that you got together with your current man specifically because you were so angry at your husband's betrayal.
You've also written a whole paragraph complaining about your ex's new partner and her spendthrift attitude - this shows me that there's a lot of jealousy here which is contributing to your bitterness. I'm sorry to be harsh again, but your ex's new partner's inheritance is absolutely no concern of yours; she's entitled to spend her money as she likes. I know it hurts to see this sort of thing going on when you're struggling yourself, but you really need to let go of this one, as it's only harming you to spend so much time thinking about it.
That advice also applies to all the other bad things you mention, like the sleeping with family members and the previous lies - all of this stuff is in the past, and by allowing it to carry on doing your head in, you're hurting yourself and ultimately your children. There are two lots of kids here being used as bargaining chips - your own and your partner's children are all caught in the middle of a very unpleasant adult row, and it's not really fair to them. If both men have been good fathers (and by this I mean only in terms of their interaction with the children) then they are entitled to see their kids regardless of their perceived wrong-doing within their adult relationships.
You need to be the first to set an example here. It would really help your own mental health if you could try and stop storing up anger and resentment over things that are over and done with. Accept the fact that your ex now has a new partner, and concentrate on ensuring that his children don't go without the love they need from him. You don't need this man's love, but I'm afraid your kids do, and it is selfish of you to deny them that because you are angry about the way he treated you. I know his new woman is doing the same thing, but two wrongs don't make a right, and just because she behaves badly doesn't mean you should descend to her level.
My suggestion is that you should go back to your solicitor and sort out the credit issues - the thirty thousand that your ex has borrowed in your name needs to be dealt with so that you can stop being angry about it. You should also look at arranging regular access so that your ex can see the kids, and I'd suggest you get a third-party involved so that you don't have to see him as he picks them up and drops them off.
With regards to the child support you're getting, whilst I can see how you're struggling with such a large mortgage, I have to say that having checked the CSA guide to entitlement at http://www.csa.gov.uk/newcsaweb/calculate.asp, it does seem that what he's paying is about right. Bear in mind that there are an awful lot of women out there bringing up kids entirely on their own without any help. What you need to do is start looking at ways in which you can make life better for yourself - a new job will help with this, as might downsizing the family home. Above all though, you simply need to accept that things are not the same financially for you now, and doing this will allow you to have peace of mind and stop feeling as if you're not in control of this situation.
Finally, you need to have a proper discussion with your new partner about where this relationship is going. I feel sorry for this man, as he's found himself caught in the middle of you and your ex, and he's suffering as a result because he's not seeing his kids. I think that if you were a bit more flexible about letting your ex have access, you'd probably find the same would happen in the other direction, and this would be massively helpful in helping your new partner deal with everything. You should tell him how sorry you are for letting things get out of control, and ask for his support in resolving the problem in a mature and adult way. I'm confident that if you do this, you can save the relationship, if that's what you want.
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