A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been together since college. We have two young children. Last year he contacted some friends including an ex-girlfriend from high school through reunion.com. I recently found out that he has been in contact with her this whole time on almost a daily basis by phone and email. She does not live in this part of the country and I am certain they have not seen each other. He has saved all of her texts and it appears she is the one who is keeping the distance between them although they clearly love each other. I am trying to stay calm but now that I know about her I am not sure what to do. I can't believe this has been going on for a year in my marriage and I didn't know. Do I confront him? I now have her contact information - Do I confront her? Do I leave him before he leaves? Help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2009): You need to step back and think of yourself and your children. I'm sure you are a wonderful wife and mother and he is lucky to have you. People get caught in the everyday hardships and tend to fantisize about the past. It is unrealistic and immature. You should confront him and tell him you need to know his true feelings because you don't want to waste your life on someone who is in love with someone else. He needs to stop this emotional affair and you shouldn't feel guilty about checking his text messages. Your partner should never hide anything from you and you should be the one he confides in. If it continues I would make him move out and decide what is more important. His family or his relationship. People do things when they think they can get away with it. You need to demand what you deserve.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2008): is anyone still here that has been discussing this topic? i would really like to get in touch with someone to talk as i am too in a situation which i am not sure how to handle?? thanks x
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A
female
reader, Andietalks +, writes (19 February 2008):
Hello, first question has to be do you love him?second has to be is it enough for you to feel that she is a shadow in your marriage. If you argued would you feel it is because she is in his mind. If you feel that he is in love with her, you push him away before the marriage can get even stronger, You wouldn't treat him like that. I have to say that anyone who talks texts etc an ex to that degree puts you in danger of feeling second best. I think your husband knows you love him. This will only get worse. If i was you and i have been, I would ask him to leave for a couple of weeks to sort out who he wants to be with. or you could say his friendship with her is making you feel insecure and would like it if you broke contact as you wouldn't do this to him with your ex. I hope it works out. no one should be a consalation prize good luck
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male
reader, Richard_EMids  +, writes (4 December 2007):
 Hi - thanks for your reply. I know I didn't offer any emotional advice, just the practical side of things. I know you must feel badly let down and you hve two children as well to think about. It must have been a terrible shock. I hope everything goes as well as it can. You will emerge a stronger and different person. Good Luck - Richard
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone. I have decided not to confront him at this time and see what I can organize in case he does leave. I thought we had a very strong marriage. We were together - exclusively - for a long time before we married and even took a few years before we started our family to travel and enjoy married life. Early this morning, as has been the pattern for her, he received a text. He smiled as he read it. I do not know for certain, but now I assume every text is from her, especially at that hour. Luckily my back was to him when the tone rang from his phone and could not see my face react. It was then that I realized I can keep up the charade. I do not think I will be able to live with him much longer knowing he plans to leave in the future. How could a man - and her for that matter - resolve themselves to live this way until all the children graduate? Who thinks of such a thing! Then I realize that they would have much more time together - and the freedom of not having children - if they "grow old together." Even if I did confront him, I couldn't trust him. I hope it is just her that affects him this way. Could he have been having affairs this whole time? He does not travel a lot, but he does work long hours - often until 8 or 9 PM. peoriaman. anon, and male - There is no misunderstanding this situation. He is prepared to leave and she is prepared to wait for him, and at this point I would not believe if he told me they were "just friends."Richard - Given the facts as I see them, I agree with you, and thank you for helping me see that I need to stay calm and prepare myself, just in case.
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reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (2 December 2007):
Hi - well there's no need for you do anything right now. That's if their plan is to "run-off" when kids graduate. You have got lots of time. Just make sure you keep your lid on! Look at possibilities before rushing into decisions.You have got a number of options:
1)Confront your husband.
2)Confront the other woman
3)Maintain secrecy.
1)If you confront him - it could go one of three ways.
a) he begs for forgiveness, gives her up
b) he begs for forgiveness, promises to give her up, but just gets more clever at keeping in contact secretly. It carries on without you really knowing what is or isn't happening.
c) he runs off to her/starts divorce. Problem is that you are not ready.
2) If you confront her/ or her partner as well:
Seems much the same as above to me.
3) Maintain secrecy. Gives you chance to check out position legally for yourself. Make inventory of assets. Chance to get hard copy evidence if you haven't already.Get some secret savings together for yourself. Plan how you deal with this on your terms. The danger is that you can't keep up the pretence.
Time is on your side to think this over. I don't know how strong a person you are to keep the lid on this for say 6 months or longer?? ??
Hope this has helped a bit. Suggest you register anonymously on this site and you can seek further suggestions.
Regards
Richard
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (2 December 2007):
Thanks for the additional information. Thats great. Will respond shortly - today - Sunday.
Richard
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSome more information - We have been together for 16 years and married for 10 years. They have not seen each other in person although they have exchanged pictures (nothing inappropriate), the messages are not sexual, but he shares everything with her. They talk about being together after they have each raised their children and fulfilled their duties to the children. They feel strongly that they can be friends and wait another 20 years for their time to be together. Now I am even more angry that this woman seems so rational! She has figured it all out, when the kids graduate, when she can retire. And my husband responds with dreams that I never knew he had of traveling and sports and boats?! The more I read (I was able to open his email on his blackberry - the password was saved) the more I see that he is not the same man. If I do confront him, do I tell him I read the texts and emails? They have planned a future, how will I ever trust him again? He was planning on staying until we had raised our children, will I just be waiting for the end at graduation if I do stay with him? I am now infuriated that they planed their entire future, retirement, etc together!
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female
reader, Delightful +, writes (2 December 2007):
Hi, I really feel for you because you do not know what to do but feel you have to do something! Firstly, how strong is your marriage? Before you found this out, did you feel secure, strong and that the love between you and your husband made you both feel happy? I guess I am saying how well does your husband treat you anyway? When you say they are clearly in love, is this not how your husband makes you feel and does he send you lovely texts and make you feel special? Does your husband go away on business trips on a regular basis?
The positive thing is that she doesn't live locally and you say you are certain they haven't met up - that is something to hold onto to keep you strong.
I would certainly not recommend you contact her, otherwise you give your power away to show her your insecurities. It is your husband that needs to provide the answers. You either need to talk to him about them and get some answers (which you may not like so you need to be prepared) or you keep it to yourself, which will only eat away at you and make you ill. First and foremost, look after yourself and value yourself. Be prepared to communicate when you are ready and try to remain calm - easier said than done I know but try and remain adult over it. If your husband does disclose information that you are not happy to hear, do not respond but think over what he has said before you make any drastic decisions. If you do not feel strong enough to deal with it right now, are you in a position to visit a counsellor and seek their advice on how best to tackle it in your circumstances.
I do wish you the very best of luck in getting some peace of mind. I used to keep in touch with an ex which caused an awful lot of pain to a current boyfriend. I guess I still wished for the life that I hadn't got with my ex but the reality is that I was in "fairy land" and could not see him for what he really was! (He was my first love and I believe they can be blown our proportion to fit the "dream relationship". If he had come to me and asked me to be with him, in reality I would have run a mile and stayed well clear of him! It may well be that your husband is following the same route as me and needs to break the habit that real life is real life and fairy land just doesn't exist as you get older.
I really hope this helps and please let me know how you get on.
Take care
Delightful xxx
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male
reader, auvi  +, writes (2 December 2007):
i think i agree with peoriaman . but there might be some problems. such is, there is a possibility that your husband may become more secretive, too. which is even more undesirable.
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male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (2 December 2007):
Hi. You are right not to do anything until you have thought this through and taken some advice. How long have you been married? Could they meet in any way without you knowing? Are you able to continue monitoring his contact without him knowing? How intimate are the messages? Does it give you the impression you husband is serious about her or dreaming/delusional?
Yes - stay calm. And provide more info for better response.
Richard
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2007): Stay calm. Remember we (girls) are the astute ones in this world.
Don't push him away from you don't treat him bad.
One day when u feel the day have been perfect sit down with him and tell him that accidently you saw his messages and ask him about her.
Ask him if she have any kind of problem and if she is seeking an advice.
If he says no then ask him why he have been talking to her for so long without telling you or making you part of it.
I bet he will open his heart to you, and there is always an explanation for everything. REMEMBER, don't push him away from YOU, show him you are the perfect woman for him !
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