A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have recently moved house, and we are still in the process of putting things away. Today, on a shelf in the den/study, where he had just put everything where he wanted it, there was this card in plain sight. It said,'To my husband', so I picked it up to reread what I had written. To my surprise, it was from his ex-wife. I saw really mushy poetry before I realised it wasn't from me. I understand keeping sentimental things, but why not in a box in the cupboard? I did not need to see that. There's another one there, too. I do not snoop, and never would have picked it up if I didn't think it was one of mine. The thing that really hurts is I've seen him bin cards/letters from me, telling me he can't keep them forever cos it makes clutter. Apparently, he can keep hers out in the open. This, along with the psycho ex-gf hanging about that he keeps making excuses for cos they've been friends for years.These 2 women also got away with lots of crap, and I get constant criticism. I'd never make him throw these cards out, but WHY does he have to keep them out on the shelves in the den?He tells me I'm most important, but I do not feel it from his actions. BTW, this ex-wife took all his savings; what gives?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 May 2012):
 Do you two often discuss his ex? Or does he bring her up a lot? I would honestly keep the "chatting" about his exes to a minimum, no matter how nuts they are. Switch the subject onto YOUR little family unit.
I'm glad you made him chuck the card (or put it away), it's a start.
My husband has an ex GF (same state as us atm) and an ex-wife, so I have been there heard it all and honestly, I have told him that I'm not really interested in hearing about them and I don't have an opinion as I don't know them. So unless it has to do with his kids (with his ex) I stay out of it and he knows better. One thing is venting about things but I don't think they are a subject I care to talk about in my home. I don't drag around in the past and talk about my exes.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie, sometimes I do get this feeling that he takes me for granted... It is deeply sad, I agree. I've gone to stay to help out family for a couple of weeks before, and he seems to miss the baby and me for a limited time.
I seriously do wonder if he has unfinished business with psycho-ex; he makes so many excuses for her behaviour, and desperately tries to get me to like her.
Our baby is both of our first child.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI got the cards from the shelf today, and handed them to him, and told him to put them away. He looked embarrassed today. Thank you, Foot_In_My_Mouth :)
AuntyEm, he does seem to live in the past a bit; I just noticed it after you suggested he has problems letting go of the past. I do have a bit of a trust issue with him, as he can be a slight bit sneaky; he also completely does that 2 sets of rules deal. Your story really helped me, too; I thought it was my fault. The cards from ex-wife were not out until now. Psycho-ex has been a bit of a bother, though. I tried not to be judgemental, as I am friends with my ex-husband, but I am also friends with his WIFE independent of him. Psycho-ex is not capable of same. The den has mainly his things in, however, it is easily accessed by guests; I certainly don't need company seeing those cards.
Anonymous Male Readers, you are both very sweet. All I know is that I do try hard for him.
He still makes tonnes of excuses for Psycho-ex's behaviour cos she has 'mental problems', had a hard life, etc. My childhood was quite difficult, as well, yet I do not constantly make waves. This woman does very strange things, and is quite selfish, always needing help, and bailing out-sometimes literally.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2012): This is awful! He needs to be smartened up and hear it from you how much accidently finding this card made you feel so hurt as your excitement for him is so loving and wonderful to read and see this out of a box was wrong and would be even more wrong in the future if it ever were to happen again after he has been let known regarding his mistake in doing this action. My heart goes out to you after reading your story. Some people's marriage would be detrimentally hurt by such an action as this but your love for him and your children shines through. Lady, I hope he sees his mistake and never hurts you like that again. You give him so much room and caring he is a lucky man; it would be a catastrophe to loose such a wonderful wife over such a simple but huge and dumb action on his part with putting that card up on the shelf like that as that is a place of reverence (as if their love from the past still meant something). This situation is not good and needs rectifying right away.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 May 2012):
Sounds like he takes you 100% for granted, which is sad.
To me when people desperate wants to be "friends" with ex's it always makes me think that they have unfinished business with these people. (unless there are kids involved the obviously there is a lot of unfinished business). I DO have a friendship with 1 of my 3 ex's and it truly IS a friendship or rather an old acquaintanceship. But it took a good while AFTER we broke up before we started to talk again.
I'd talk to him about it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2012): I know how I am about saving old cards from friends of the past who showed more then a friends interest. I keep them as they give me a boost but also because it helps me remember what I have been through in the past. If I was married though I would give up the cards and burn them or toss them into the trash for good as I would not want them to be between me and my wife in any way what-so-ever. Unlike your husband though I know way better then to flaunt them on a public shelf and I would definitely burn them myself for both of our sakes long before having to find out if my wife was in any way uncomfortable with them, as I would expect she would be. She would be my number one now and she would be who I would go to to find self worth, I would hope.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (22 May 2012):
 I'd also like to add that if it were you who had cards from ex's displayed around the house and kept in touch with your own psycho ex, well that would be a great annoyance to your man and I suspect he would nag your arse off...
It's just weird how men think there is one rule for them and another less favourable rule for women.
I had this recently with someone I dated. He used to come to my house, eat my food, sleep in my bed, bathe in my tub and watch my TV, but he refused to invite me back to his place, or even allow me to see where he lived. I knew he wasnt with anyone else but I just couldn't figure what the problem was and why he would expect me to allow him to mine but completely shut me out of his home. I let him know how much it bothered me and he just told me I meant the world to him but he refused to give an answer over the house thing.
I could make no break through and so I dumped him...he was really upset and I said he could fix things by opening up to me a little more and acknowledge that his actions were driving us apart...He still couldn't see it...so I ended things for good. Sorry to waffle on but it just shows another example of one rule for them but another rule for us...and the refusal to offer any reasonable explaination...it's this kind of ambiguous action that kills trust and ultimately kills the relationship.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (22 May 2012):
He obviously has some sort of attachment problem that stops him completely letting go of the past. Having the cards on display might have just brought back old memories (I assume the cards were hidden previous to the move)so maybe after he has processed those thoughts he will put the cards away again.
I understand why this is upsetting for you and it makes me wonder if you have trust issues with him? The ex psycho GF is another matter and it seems this is another person he refuses to let go of...
The thing is, if these memories and people were in place in this capacity when you met and married him, maybe he just thinks that you have accepted them as part of the deal and so he can see no wrong in his actions (men do think like this). He has the cards in his den so he probably thinks that because this is his space that it's ok.
You do need to judge how much this is bothering you and you need to communicate that to him, but if he won't listen or won't do anything to make things better then you do have to consider whether you have married someone who is just naturally very inconsiderate and unaffected by your distress...
Then it's up to you what you decide to do.
Hope this helps and I hope you get it sorted xxx
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A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (22 May 2012):
 He has far too much baggage. And he obviously doesn't care about your feelings. You have to be more assertive and tell him what's acceptable and what's clearly not. If her persists, you will have got the message...that he doesn't care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2012): Well, I am tired of people who whinge about how they want security, and to be treated well, then when they get it, treat the person like crap. I am beginning to think relationships aren't worth it. If my baby didn't need a father...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2012): he feels secure in the present with you, thus he devalues you.
with the ex wife and ex gf, they are in the past, and after some time people tend to look on the past with rose tinted glasses.
sorry to be so negative but that's the only thing I can think of to explain his behavior.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe also keeps cards from the psycho ex-gf, too. He had one of those on prominent display, and I said hell NO! He put that one up, then.
I asked him why he'd bin mine, and he said I am most important, but did not answer my question.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do not have much money, but I am the only one who would/could give him the child he wanted.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (22 May 2012):
 I hope he's not using you for your money????? It all sounds a little fishy to me. If I were in your shoes I'd be burning the card in front of him and reminding him of his clutter issues and then demaning an explanation.
You are putting up with too much ex-baggage here.
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