A
female
age
41-50,
*allulah1
writes:i have been with my husband coming up 5 years and married 2, i have a 9 year old son from a previous relationship, this is where one of my problems lies. my husband appears to always be on his case, puting him down, and i hate the wat e talks to him. i obviously defend my son so this causes yet another argument. apart from this when my husband is nt at work he just sits on his p c playing games, he never helps me round the house and expects me to do everything for him.i also work full time, as well as careing for my son. i have tried to talk to him about it but of course he is always right and im just a nag.we never talk about things i want to, unless its about him, he dont want to talk. he controlls my money, and i have to show him recepts of everything i buy, and what topped it of yesterday i got my son the new liverpool shirt, a row broke out and he accused me of being a bad parent, because i should nt just hand him things, he should get birthday and christmas presents and earn the rest, and he said when my son grows up he will be a thug, because he gets things given to him. please can you advise me, what to do because i feel lonely, controlled, used and let down in my relationship
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female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (26 May 2008):
 Hi
If that is the case I think i can agree with you that this an attitude issue. Apart from this child concerned fights how is your marriage? how are guys together with other issues like romamce, communication, spiritual connection, social etc etc because a lack of attention towards each other might be the real ROOT of the problem and what is visible or coming out is his attitude towards the boy, evaluate those aspects and see where you are while doing that sit him down and discuss maturely.
Your son's wellbeing has to be a priority it is really important that things like this should be tackled as they arise, putting them on the parking lot like you have been doing its not going to make things easier for u to get his much needed attention by you and your son. do not allow him to just shut you up like u dont matter in this marriage.
Ask what he thinks is the best way to deal with such things i.e him saying a child must earn gifts maybe he might be onto something but he doesnt know how to express it and because he had been making rude remarks you feel he doesnt want the kid anymore, experience parenting together raising a child is not fun at all its challenging and it can destroy a good relationship to nothing. Improve communication and interaction when it comes to making decisions about your son. I know that I am a single parent and its tough all though for me i can buy whatever i like for my son without anyone giving me attitude i can imagine how its like for u. I believe its difficult to refrain from buying a cute computer game on discount special that your son will love so much because you have discussed with your husband, i guess thats what they call compromise i dont know judge for yourself.
You can calmly explain to your husband what you understand about gifts he need to understand that love doesnt have to be showed on christmas day or special days only its a living thing, the special dates gidts are to just add-ons. Have u ever considered counsiling? maybe he thought he can do it and now he is really struggling and in his defense thats how mean he can be so that you will avoid asking a lot of questions.
Where is the father of the child in all this? if he is still around and he is supportive of your marriage ask him for advice you know getting a man's perspective about all this. I hope this helps a little.
Jovial
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2008): My only question is are you happy? If not than you need to do anything within your power to make yourself and son happy...
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A
female
reader, tallulah1 +, writes (23 May 2008):
tallulah1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjust to add my husband and son always got on well, this has on ly been within the last year. i wouldnt say he is nt used to kids as his previous girlfriend had 3
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A
female
reader, Jovial +, writes (23 May 2008):
Hi
This is really hush and I am really sorry. The question that came to my mind while reading this post was 'How was the relationship between your son and your husband before you guys got married?' the reason i am asking is because you did notice this bad blood before but it was not intense because maybe he will coverup whenever you bring the tension between them him towards the son.
I have someone i used to know who got married to a guy who seemed very inlove and caring enough towards her child only to discover that hostility after they were married that the guy even went to an extent of sending the child to her parents because he said he just cant take being a father to someone's child and he confessed he always had a problem with the child but he knew if he showed his feelings she wouldnt have married him which was true. eventually they divorced.
the reason i brought this up is that if your child is a first child to your husband you might find that he is not coping very well and it frustrates him that maybe when he is right you just think he is against the child. I had my child when i was at school and he stayed with my mother full time until i finish school and got a job 5yrs later then he moved in with me full time, it wasnt easy believe me for both of us, at first we were like strangers he knew me i knew him before but i wasnt at home all the time, so given my scenario, relate it to that of your husband and child unlike me and my son they had no idea each of them existed until 5years ago.
I want you to have an open minded about this, dont think the worst, maybe his reservation about your child having everything it might be he grew up in a place where the children who had everything turned out really bad and he is afraid your child might end up like those, just research his background and reasons so that you can come up with the best solution to raise this child well.
Good luck
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