A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband just doesn't want to do 'normal' things. He is very fond of drinking whilst I'm not bothered. All his plans involve drink and drinking buddies as I call them. He won't make plans with me to go out or walk with the dog, take me out a drive, visit somewhere new, cinema etc. and if I do manage to convince him he moans so there no enjoyment. Increasingly wonder why we're together cos all w do is watch tv. Feeling very lonely but never realised how lonely I'd feel til I married and moved in together. He also drinks daily which i didnt realise how much Til we moved in together and I'm worried. Has to drink 3/4 cans daily and get drunk at least once a week whether it be sitting in the house or out with mates. The good weather also means he drinking far more.Guess my worries are far worse now as I'm thinking about having children. I wonder if he finds normal activities that I like boring, will he do anything with a new baby and continue these drink habits? Surely my partner should want to spend more time with me rathe than mates, but that's not the case and its taking it out of me mentally going over it in my head. Yes I can fill my time with my friends but jus want to share more of life with him. Any ideas? Also, I opened up my husbands laptop to check my email and he wasn't signed out - have now discovered he is gambling online. Just know this can become an addiction fast but it has been discussed in the past and he told me he wouldn't do it again. But 6 months later here we go again. Thing is he tight with money and does his best to save on things where he can but then throws away £250 on a single gamble.
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male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (18 July 2013):
Your man needs a complete overhaul. You listed so many big issues that I can't see the point in staying with him.
If you have kids your feelings will only get worse. He seems to be checked out of the marriage already, but at least he's not checked out as a dad.
If you feel he's capable of changing so much, then confront him and tell him you guys need to go to counseling. If he refuses, end your relationship and count your blessings that you don't have kids.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 July 2013):
 I think you might have to come to terms with the fact that you have married an alcoholist.
While 3 or 4 cans a day do not sound such a terrible alcohol intake even to a non-drinker like myself,... and while even getting drunk once a week in many places and environments is considered just a normal social habit and not the road to perdition, ... it's not the "how much ", it's the how.
Your husband has no other interests , hobbies, pleasures other than drinking. He gets no joy from anything else, he's anhedonic ( " no pleasure " ) for anything but booze. His social and emotional life revolves around drinking, that's the ONLY thing that gets his endorphines flowing.
Then, he is an addict. Regardless of the quantity .
He may be, for the moment at least, a functional, and functioning, addict, insofar he can do, and keep, his job, he is not physicaly or verbally aggressive, does not fall asleep in a pool of his urine, does not get arrested for disturbing the peace etc. etc. But, the level of his drinking, although not humongous, is already affecting the qiality of his social interactions, and marital relationship.
No, I would not bring a child into this scenario. It would be courting heartbreak.
What can you do ? not much , I am afraid, unless HE realizes HE has a problem, and He wants to solve it, and decides to go for counseling / addiction therapy . Try talking to him, try explaining him how this is affecting your marriage, your future, your chances of having a normal family. Who knows, he might already be there, or close to, realizing that without admitting it out loud yet -.... or he may feel you are the typical nagging wife and the problem it's yours , not his.
In this case, I would not waste that much time waiting for him to see the light and change. He will change when he will change, when he'll be good and ready, which may be soon.... or in 30 years, or never.
Do not become codependent, do not become an enabler. Sure if you have married this guy must have been because you love him, with his habits and all, so the idea of letting him go ,I am sure, is not very palatable to you. But if you think how NOT palatable too is living with an alcoholic , who would be grumpy, irritable and dazed through all your family celebrations, all your big and little milestones,... baby's first birthday, or first Xmas, etc..... only waiting for the moment he can possibly excuse himself and go get soaked with his pals.... I thnk you get the picture and maybe breaking up does not sound as terrible anymore.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (18 July 2013):
 Not sure how long you have been married but from personal experience I know drinking and gambling is a set pattern and if someone is doing both and shows no signs of stopping, there is no way you are ever going to stop them.
I tried for 20 years, had two kids...still ended in divorce and I was completely and utterly trapped and miserable. If I could be you, where you stand now, before kids and before the money trap got any deeper...I definitely know what I would do. It's only when you are standing in the aftermath of shit a drinker and gambler creates, that you realise love would NEVER have been enough to save them.
By all means talk to him and ask him to choose the marriege or the drinking and gambling, but do not expect him to change because he will not.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2013): He is on the road to ruin. It is good you don't have children yet.
I'm afraid you are living with an alcoholic; and that is the worst environment you can bring a child into. Addiction. The child may inherit the addictive gene.
You will have to be the one seeking the alcohol-abuse counseling; so you will finally develop the nerve and self-confidence to remove yourself from the situation.
You are too young to be living such a stagnant and uneventful life. He would be better off single, and partying with his drinking buddies.
You're the only thing holding his life together. He will have to hit rock bottom and lose something precious to change his ways. He will not realize what he's lost, until you're gone.
He refuses to change for the sake of your marriage; so there is no reason to stay.
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