A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I feel so low! My husband is so disrespectful to me! We had a wedding to go to today at 4 pm that was 70 miles away. I asked my husband what time he wanted to get on the road? 2:30 he said. So we got up early to get some things done before we left. We both had things to do but I helped him vaccum our above-ground pool, i made lunch and asked him if he needed anymore help before I took a shower. He was pissy, acting busy sorting his tools so I took a shower, did my hair and make up and got dressed. At 2:20 he was still sorting his tools and hadnt showered hadnt put the pool stuff away although I offered efore my shower. So I told him it was getting late and we needed to get rolling. He started yelling at me to "quit bugging him". We didnt get on the road until 3:00 pm and he literally drove 90 mpr through winding mountain roads. If I said anything he started shouting at me. We arrived 20 min after the ceremony had started and we were both in a bad mood. When the ceremony was over my husband wanted to run up to his friend and congratulate him so I followed him outside to the garden but he was walking so far ahead he was completely oblivious to the fact that I had mis-stepped coming off the patio and fell flat on my face! To make matters worse our friend's daughter and all her 20-something friends had a good laugh at my expense while others rushed to scoop me up I was mortified and limped back into the house to clean up my knees. My husband finally came inside and started berating me for "wandering" off. Even when I told him I fell he seemed unmoved and insensitive to my level of embarrassment. His remark? "well if you'd stick with me..." and I stated that a gentleman never walks in front of his lady unless he's opening a door, that way if she stumbles off the cobblestone patio while wearing heels he's there to help her up instead of charging blindly ahead like she doesnt exist. He just doesnt get it! Then he blamed me for setting a "bad tone" for the whole day because I had "rushed him!" When we posed for pictures with the newly weds later he wanted to stand by his buddy instead of next to his wife! He's such an insensitive ass at times. All the way home all he could do was blame me for "making him late" because I didn't disconnect the pool vac (even though he always tells me to leave it for him to do because he's the only one who can do it right!). I'm so frustrated I feel like moving out! He never takes responsibility for his own f@ck ups! He always blames me! Why is he like this?
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (26 August 2012):
 I could break down everything you told me and give you tips on how to re-condition his responses to you, but it sounds like you really hate him. It also sounds like you've tried pretty much anything.
I think he needs a jolt to the system, and you need a serious change. Tell him his marriage is on the line, and mean it. You both need counseling, because your marriage dynamic is more tangled than a ball of yarn, and I think it's now out of both of your control. Counselling or divorce are your only options, because this stress level is intolerable.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2012): Sometimes.... I would just let him yell and scream all by himself, I wouldn't open my mouth whenever he does this, I would just let him argued with himself. He sounds like a 50 year old child... either my way or the highway... sounds like he is so selfcentered...
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (26 August 2012):
 Your husband is an insensitive ass. I'm very sorry to say this but its true. He's one of those difficult people that you just don't know how to deal with. Look, I'm not married and I don't even know how I would have dealt with this if it happened with me but I think that counselling might help you both. He's perpetually irritable and takes you for granted and is using the worst ways to deal with disagreements, which are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
While the first 3 concepts are clear, I'll just explain stonewalling in a nutshell. It consists of:
Refusal to negotiate a conflict in good faith
Refusal to discuss honestly one’s motivations
Refusal to listen to another point of view with openness
Refusal to compromise
Refusal to collaborate
Refusal to support the other person’s plans
Refusal to accept influence.
If this is a pattern with him, then you need to start working on this before your marriage disintegrates further. Your husband's behavior is not acceptable and he cannot blame it on a bad day or his temper. I think you should both take counselling for the problems that you are facing and you should go as a couple. Dont delay this any further.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2012): Thank you both for you sincere and informative answers. Unfortunately, I do have a circle of girlfriends that I get with fairly often for lunch or drinks. I have a great wardrobe and wear the best hair style for my face. Frequently when he's being an ass I disconnect and go surf the web, or play a video game. He starts shouting that I am just "doing my own thing" and we are not in sync. I tell him if he wasn't acting so crabby we would be in sync. He just yells louder. Today on the drive to the wedding and on the drive home all we did was scream at each other. I am not a doormat, although I am peaceful by nature. I tend to take the high road but I will not back down from confrontation so don't assume that I just roll over and take it in the butt. Believe me I am not afraid to give it right back to him. But it never changes the behavior. He might eventually apologize but the next day he's right back to bossing me around and acting like I'm stupid again. Sometimes when I try to help him, he gets mad and says, "I wasn't ready for you to do that yet!" Tonight on the drive home, it was all my fault that we were late because he had to put the pool vac away since I am not able to "see a need and just take care of it". I told him he was full of horse shit and proceeded to point out all the times when I do see a need and attempt to take care of it, and all he does is screech because he's a control freak that likes to think he's making all the decisions and thinking of everything so when I do make a move it's always wrong according to him, that way he can continue to appear superior. Sometimes he's so unreasonable all I can do is say "Go f**k yourself!" and go see a movie by myself or with a friend. Usually when I return he's come down to earth and he apologizes and things are fine between us for awhile. I can't help but wonder if he's bipolar. I don't know but he's definately pushing me away. I don't know how much more I can or will take. Thanks again for your thoughts.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (26 August 2012):
 He now takes you for granted. You are becoming a non-person to him. He does not think he has to do a thing to impress you. In fact he sees it as his right to bully you.
Stand up for yourself.
Do some things for yourself.
Of the things suggested below please pick and choose which things will best suit your personality and your needs.
Do not look to him for your comfort.
Until you demonstrate more strongly that you value you and appreciate your best points then he is going to continue to not notice who you are and nor will be see, in the short term, how good a partner you are and have been to him.
Certainly you both need some couples counselling but if he refuses to attend then attend on your own to help you improve your own understanding of your own self worth.
One day he may meet another woman and he would have no trouble just walking out on you as he does not value you at all. Sadly he may never wake up to the fact that he is a rude and disrespectful cad of a man.
The most important thing you can do is to rebuild you and rebuild your self esteem and rebuild the life you live to ensure that you are respected and valued.
Respeted and Valued by you,even if he chooses to not respect and value you.
Do not wait for him to catch up.
If he does realise that you are starting to stand on your own two feet and ignoring his rudeness he may get angry. Tell him to Get with the Program or Get left behind. He will not like it. But that is exactly what he is already doing to you.
if you have two cars and you have a similar event to the wedding then you take one car and leave at the appointed time. Do not wait for him. If he cannot organise himself then do not take the blame for him being so disorganized.
Focus on rebuilding your self esteem.
choose some activities where you choose to do those things yourself and achieve things for yourself alone, or with other friends, doing those things.
These do not need to be earth shattering things. They can be simple activities that provide you with innocent pleasures.
Here are some examples:
Book an afternoon at a DaySpa and allow others to pamper you. Ensure that there is a meal already at home for him as you will not feel like cooking that evening as you will be too relaxed
Arrange to have a person come in once a week during the day to give the home a full spring clean of at least one room every week and a light clean of the other rooms.
In the first couple of weeks you don't need to explain how the rooms became so wonderful in such a short time. Though eventually the cost needs to come out of the normal household budget. Long term you can fund it out of the housekeeping without discussion with your spouse. Just economise on the evening meals to pay for it. Feel NO guilt that you are getting help with the household chores.
Join a group achieving good things in the communtiy - a volunteer project - where your skills will be enthusiastically welcomed.
Look at your wardrobe. If you have not worn it for more than three years you are never going to wear it. Donate the usable clothing to a charity shop. Throw the unusable clothing out. Do the same with your lingerie and your nightware.
Go out and revamp your lingerie (bras, knickers, things to wear to bed - go luxurious in some instances as you will feel extra delicious when you wear these things.)
Visit the hair dresser and find out some options to revamp your hair style
Visit your local Citizen's Advice Bureau to find out any opportunities that exist in your area to join or contribute your time to any groups or programs or volunteer groups in your area
Join a gym in your area and especially look for programs where you can join a Circuit class or a swimming class with other like minded people. Make the effort to say hi to people you see regularly and over time you will have the opportunity to make new friends
If you do not already have a dog consider getting a dog that is yours and then take the dog for regular walks in a nearby park. A dog is a great way to make friends with more people who live in your local area.
Examine what you would like to improve about your existing clothes. Do you need a colour scheme to make it easier to mix and match? Would it help if you learned to sew or do you need to find a reliable dressmaker in your area or are you confident that you can achieve a co-ordinated wardrobe exclusively from buying ready made
learn a new skill.
Look at the local places where you might learn to do pottery or paint abstracts.
Find out if a local group exists in your area where they put on plays - they always need behind the scenes helpers and it is a great way to join a group where your skills will be appreciated
Ask three other girl friends to join you for lunch at a seriously good restaurant. Enjoy an afternoon of fun. Ensure that there is a meal at home ready for him that night, as you will not feel like cooking that evening.
Buy yourself a Digital Camera and start learning how to take gorgeous photos. Get them framed and sell framed versions on Etsy.com Black and white seems to sell the best. Start making yourself an alternative income.
Eventually you can save that income to help fund your own "Shirley Valentine" (it's a film) type holiday.
Don't get accusatory towards him. No recriminations. Juts starve him of attention as you are so busy.
If he wants to keep you he will have to change his approach because you will no longer be the woman with low self esteem who he currently denigrates.
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