A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband doesn't understand why I keep on being friends with some of my girlfriends.More, he developed an attitude of not liking them, because of their actions. He makes negative remarks about them all the time, and with some of them I agree but it doesn't stop me on being friends with them anyway.I think he is way too critical. I keep on telling him that there are different people out there, and if want you can find negative sides in every person. But he keeps saying that I need to be more selective in my choice of friends and less forgiving.We live in a city with absolutely no family but us. Our kids are grown up and live in different state. Though we see them often, they aren't part of our every day life.When the second left the house I took on a bunch of hobbies. And made friends there. Especially in one, where I dance, I became close with couple women. Once a months we go out for drinks after class, and get together for concerts and parties. Few months ago I had an unfortunate surgery, and was basically immobile for 1 month. During this time one of these women visited me once, and because I stoped taking classes I stoped seeing them for a period of may be 5 months. Then I came back to dancing like I never left and we started where we left off.My husband is in a constant pissed mood about it. He says, he can't believe how someone can be so disregarded like that the minute a person gets sick. I agree with him, the other lady couldn't even remember what happened with me when I saw again, she never called to ask me even how I was doing. That's true, but I m really not pissed at them about it. I just know the value of this particular relationship, and don't expect much.I m having lots of fun with them, plus we have our dance passion in common, it's very light, no pressure relationships. I tell him that not everybody become your close friends, but he objects to me saying that he has no respect for people like this who don't posses human qualities like compassion. He is so pissed that they never even asked if I needed anything when I was sick. There was a day after my surgery when I still couldn't even get up to go to the bathroom, and he went to work just for couple of hours asking me if I be fine. I felt fine in a morning, but in a hour I felt so much pain, that I needed to take my meds. While I was reaching for them I droped the bottle on a floor. In 10 minutes I was in agony, and called him to rush home and picked it up for me. He stormed into the house calling my friends all kind of names, as he had to leave his client.Now when he sees them he reminds me about that episode when I was helpless in bed, and they were no where to be found. He tells me I m too tolerant of these people.I don't understand what he wants me to do. Not to talk to them? I work only one day a week, if it wasn't for my hobbies and friends like that, I would go out of my mind from boredom. I m so glad I made friends living in this town for only 10 years, and not knowing anyone. Yes, they didn't act like my very good friends, because they are not. So what, I get from them as much as they can give me, and the rest really doesn't bother me. They are not my only friends, I have couple of friends from my home country that would help me and whom I would be comfortable to ask for help, but not those two.I don't know may be I m wrong and he is right, what do you guys think?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2012): No, it's not jealousy of any kind, he doesn't mind me going out with my friends at anytime, I even traveled abroad without him, no problem here.He actually prefers me having more friends so I would occupy myself more. He is not controlling at all, he basically let's me do what I want, really. He encourages any hobby I take, and doesn't spare money on it.I told him exactly what u wrote, that they are not obligated to do anything, and so on. He still I insists on his opinion, that this is what it takes being human: to sympathize another human being. The fact that none of them even asked me if I need anything pisses him off. And the fact that they stoped calling at all as soon as I stoped dancing is beyond his comprehension.He said even our neibour who we really don't talk to very much brought us food when she found out about my surgery. His coworkers and clients asked him repeatedly how I was and had no problem with him taking personal time.He said it doesn't take much to be a friend, just a thought in your head about another human being, and a random phone call to inquire about health, that's all.I agree with him on that, tell you the truth, but the fact is I really don't know what to do with this. Ok, I get it, they r not compassionate and indifferent humans, and then what? Should I have a silent war with them eery time I see them, Nd be unpleasant. I see them at least once a week, and I know them for 3 years. O, well,thank u for answering
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (16 July 2012):
 Sounds like you've got a wonderful and accomodating hubby, there.....
Re-read your submittal and ask yourself (and him): wouldn't I be better off ignoring YOU (hubby) and spending more time with my FRIENDS, who seem to be a LOT more life-affriming than aforementioned hubby!!!!!
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 July 2012):
 I think your husband is jealous .Maybe not jealous that you might be up to some mischief when you are out with these women, but jealous that he is not anymore the one and only focus and supply of companionship and social life for you, or that you can easily find out of your home good times, fun and a new passion ( for dance ). Something like that- it's an ego thing.
Otherwise , he is one of those limited , black-or-white personalities that are not able to understand and appreciate social nuances . Not everyone we know and interact with can, or should, be our best friend. That would be a tall order, a true friendship is a close spiritual bond that goes way beyong chatting and going dancing etc., and that you can only establish with few selected people in all your life. That does not mean that you CAN'T have "lower grade " friends, associates in fact, which like to spend time with you occasionally without any particular expectation or emotional investment from either side. It's not that anybody that's not a great friend is necessarily a foe, and , frankly, it's stupid by your husband accusing these women of being fair-weather friends. It seems to me that you know very well how you stand with them ( and viceversa ) , that you are OK with it, and that you do not expect more. Everybody's happy, ... but your husband because he is jealous and controlling.
What does it mean he can't respect who is not compassionate ? YOU can, and that's all that matters- tell him to butt out, he is entitled to have his opinions but not to impose them on you.
As for the medicine episode, .. I think he is just lazy :). The way you describe your relationship with these women, it's not the level of intimacy you would expect or demand caretaking from them. And anyway why a friend, even you had your best friend in your town, should be taking care of you in lieu of your husband- who is your own family ?! That's one of the things people get married for- to assist each other in moments of need . Regardless whether the spouse has many friends or none.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2012): O, no, he didn't call them names to their faces, of course not, my god!
He called them names when he had to come home, and he was angry at them, but it was just me who heard it. They were noway around.
Yes, he does has friends, but it's more like fishing bodies, or GYM bodies, not someone who he invites for his birthdays. But again he is a very busy man. He spends so much time with his clients, than when he gets home he just wants to rest and not really talk to anyone.Thanks for replying.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 July 2012):
 Is your husband jealous that you would rather spend time with your lukewarm friends, rather than a life time partner who has your back?
Your husband is out of line. Your friends might have assumed that you have closer friends and family who would have helped you. I am sure if you had asked them to help you they would be glad to. Maybe they thought you should rest and didn't want to be bothered. Friendship needs time to develop. Real friendships are rare and you can't forge them if you don't feel a certain calling to that person. Now that your husband called them names it will feel awkward now. You are not even that close to them to explain why your husband is acting that way. They might be shocked and don't know how to deal with you anymore. Does your husband have friends? If you can develop mutual friends then no one feels excluded. Your husband may have a good nature, even a Samaritan, but he has to understand not everyone shares that altruism, and that doesn't make them bad people. Also, when there's emergency, of course the first person you reach out for help is your husband, and not casual friends. Yes some middle aged women have more leisure than their husbands but still, your health is more urgent and the client can wait.
I think I would say sorry to your friends on his behalf and tell them he has a terrible day, and that you still like them and wish that incident didn't change what they think of you. If they don't respond then your husband is right, they are not friends, not worth your time anyway.
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