A
female
age
51-59,
*habelle
writes:Hello, I have been in a relationship for 15 years and we have an 11 year old daughter together, and he has 4 children from another marriage. We are not married, however he is verbally abusive and has been physical lately. It is hard for me to leave when I don't have a job and have not held one for some time now. I am a stay at home mom. He thinks that everything is my fault and his son is also living with us and he says that I don't have any friends because I am a b?"! confused lonely and broke. Any advice would help or just a friend to talk to. I dont have very many, I can't seem to keep them either:( Reply to this Question
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female
reader, SweetSerendipity  +, writes (31 March 2009):
You have the best advice already given by Britt429, who lived it and successfully rebuilt her life by refusing to stay a victim.
Couples have differences, arguments, "fights", debates, that is common and to be expected. Some do it more often than others. But hitting is unaccepted. It is an abuse against human rights. Furthermore, you should be respected as a partner, instead of being disrespected. You are not a punching bag.
I have not been in her shoes nor yours, but I think I can empathize with you.
Research have shown that abusive behaviour - when not addressed to be managed with the help of professionally trained experts and/or support groups - could escalate over time. In other words, it escalates from verbal abuse (e.g. saying nasty unkind words to you), to emotional/psychological abuse (e.g. belittling you, emotional blackmail, threats as a means to control your activities, basically making you feel that you are always at fault, making you feel entirely dependent on him, etc etc etc), to physical abuse (hitting, slapping, choking, kicking, throwing). When escalated to physical abuse, unfortunately, it could result in death. You have seen this happening, so you know what those researchers are talking about for sure.
Please do not be one of the statistics. The economy is bad right now, so trying to get a job may be very difficult to do at the moment. It does not matter what kind of a job it is, a checkout person at the supermarket, or a waiter, or a cleaning lady in an office, or a receptionist answering phone calls in an office. (Providing of course, you can get out of the house and not beat up by your husband when you get home from work. But, if he asked why you need to work, tell him that you would like to buy more stuff for your child(ren) and does not want to burden him with the extra expenses). Open your own bank account, and put some money away in there from your paycheck, but bring enough home so that your husband does not suspect anything.) If you are more or less "confined" at home, then a shelter for abused women may your only chance to get away from your husband.
So, one thing you need to do now is to start planning your "exit strategy". PM Britt429 if necessary, she will probably give you a very realistic guidance based on her real life experience, whereas I can only give you what I learn from my own research.
Also please have a look at these sites:
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_help_treatment_prevention.htm
http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/05/in-abusive-relationships-abusers.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-husband-always-puts-me-down-and-now.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/please-help-me-cut-this-lying-cheating-man.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/should-i-be-upset-that-my-husband-sends.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-need-to-get-my-daughter-and-i.html
A look inside the mind of an abuser ... http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/page8.html
Understanding Abusers or how to understand Abusive people's behavior http://advice7.com/emotions_feelings/aboutabusers.html
Abusive Behavior Checklist: Evaluate the Abuse Level in Your Past or Present Relationship http://www.cdh.org/ClinicalServices.aspx?id=9298
Verbal Abuse In Relationships ttp://www.verbalabuse.com/3.shtml
Start talking to local support groups for abused women. You need to understand your situation and better prepare yourself for what is to come, by listening to abused women or counsellors in person.
You deserve to be treated with respect. You need to teach your children this too. Children learn by example too, and if you remained in this abusive relationship, think of what lessons in life you are teaching them. I am sure you want only to teach your children to respect others, by respecting themselves as loving and respectful human beings too, right?
My prayers are with you to be strong and empowered. Hugs to you and your children.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2009): Hi Friend! I know what you are feeling. You don't deserve what he is doing to you. First of all, the next time he hits you call the cops! Don't let him get away with it!
The bad news: It's will not get better it will only get worse! His abuse towards you will escalate. If he has already progressed to physical abuse, you are living in a game of Russian Roulette, with the loaded gun pointed right at your head! It will begin to feel like a battle zone, and you will suffer the same affects as soldiers in a war. He has the control now, and it is up to you to take it back.
I see that you are an American. There are so many wonderful Battered womens shelters all across the county. They are nothing like homeless shelters...they are safe, clean, loving homes where your safety and healing are thier main concerns. They will help you with everything you need, including counciling, parenting, job search, legal matters, health issues, housing and more!
they are listed in your local directory. Please call and get out of there asap!
I am not trying to scare you, but the days of men beating up on women are no longer tolerated and there is help out there for you!
I endured that kind of lifestyle for over 16 years. It started with verbal abuse and him punching walls and breaking things, including every window in our house one night! I survived, but not before fractured ribs(3 times) a broken nose, black eyes, numerous scars, and much much more. One day, he threw me on the floor and stomped on my chest (with his workboots on) and spit in my face. He once punched me in the face because I was singing! I'm telling you all this, because I know it gets worse! I have spent time and spoken with many other battered women, and not one has ever said it got better...IT ALWAYS GOT WORSE!
A therapist told me back in 1995, that statistics showed that an abused woman goes back to her abuser an average of 7 times, before she leaves for good, or dies at his hands! I never forgot that! Me? It took 5 attempts to leave before I left for good. I believe I saved my own life by doing so.
He will make you feel that you provoked it, but don't believe it! This is more about him than it is you! You are just the closest and easiest target. He may beg for forgiveness and promise to change. He will tell you he is willing to go for counciling...It will never happen!
When I finally left, he stalked me for a while. I got a restraining order...he contested it. I did not show up at court...and guess what? He gave up! I never saw or heard from him again...I did find out that he found himself a new punching bag! So, you see...It wasn't me! It was him!
If you ever need a friend to talk to send me a private message...I will do all I can to help you! Stay Strong! Don't believe his lies...it is all about mind control!
Hugs,
Britt
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2009): Blimey - hard to find even with the world at your finger tips
http://www.ndvh.org/
National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.
this is a good organisation- they will listen. You need to find one more ounce of courage and call them they can - but they can only help if you call.
Star.x.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2009): Hi - I am not the best aunt to cover this topic. Others will post soon. This post sounds similar and there is a lot of good stuff:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/he-abuses-me-slightlybut-breaking-up-is-really.html
is worth reading and the answers to it.
- i think the Daniel lloyd stuff is a case in point - she only realised she had to get out when she had a broken jaw. Don't leave it that long.
I think you need to get out. there are organisations that can help - i will look them up and repost.
Star.x.
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