A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:my husband (together total of 5 years) and I have sex maybe once a month. He says it's because stress of work that hes tired etc - he does have a stressful job working for himself and working long hours.But he masturbates 1-3 times a day to porn. He says it's to destress most of the time. I felt he was lying about it when I asked him so I checked internet history... Yes he is white lying. I've tried to talk about it with him (I wouldnt even care if our sex life was better) but he gets angry with me! I dont know what to do anymore. He says he's trying but he's clearly not. And then I feel bad for him because of his job being so stressful.What can I do when he wont talk about it reasonably or he won't fix it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2018): 1-3 times a day is ridiculous and certainly an addiction.
Beyond that, I don't believe porn is beneficial or right in a monogamous relationship.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2018): He's right- masturbating to porn is a great stress relief. Is quite fun to do, too. And therein lies the problem- he's got the balance wrong.'Relieving stress' with porn is easy. Not much physical effort and you can generate the exact scenario you want. A decent orgasm is pretty much guaranteed each and every time. In fact, it's a little too easy.I think many men have experienced the problem of the balance between porn use and real sex tipping in the wrong direction- myself incuded. When porn becomes preferable to actual sex, it's time to stop.I don't think he'll be ready to take that step though, by how you explain the situation. And if you go in telling him he's wrong and everyone says so, that will make things worse.Try to talk him about it from the 'real sex is surely better' angle. Don't berate his porn use. No matter how wrong it might be, berating him will only lead him to become more protective over it. You need to lead him away from the porn.That is, if you want to. He'd have to cut down on the porn and shifting back to real time sex will have it's issues so there's some commitment from both of you. The less he masturbates, the better real sex ill become. If he's not willing to even try or consider it, the bigger questions need asking.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2018): I think the job-stress is a convenient excuse; but the porn has become an addiction and his chosen alternative to real intimacy. Masturbation is quick self-gratification and selfish pleasure; but shouldn't become a replacement for your lover. The problem with too much masturbation is desensitization. Emotional-detachment from the act of sex.
If it's affecting your sex-life; he needs some therapy to help him to get his addiction under control. Your task will be convincing him that he has a problem; as if having sex with your wife only once a month at his young age shouldn't set-off 1000 alarms!
There isn't much else that can be suggested but couple's therapy; because this is a psychological-problem. It's not as easy as simply stopping. If he could, he probably would for your sake.
Men who are stubborn and react with rebellious-anger when confronted about their behavior have to be given ultimatums.
They use their aggression as a shield and won't let you past it. Once the wall is up, that's it.
If you've already tried the subtle or gentle approach; then you have to pull-out the big guns.
Insist he get therapy for the addiction, or you want to go to couple's therapy. If he absolutely refuses, what choice would you have; but to consider leaving him? Sometimes all it takes is making him face consequences for refusing to take you seriously. He has a problem, and he has to make a choice. His marriage or porn? You're trying to rationalize by using that lame stress excuse. Stress isn't the only reason.
This has prompted you to write for advice; this means it's starting to reach a critical stage in your marriage. You're running out of patience and ideas. You feel helpless and neglected. Considering divorce is really a long way down the road; when all efforts have failed. It's a last resort. Otherwise; you learn to live with it, and accept things the way they are. Somehow, I don't think you'll stand for that.
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