A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm having a very hard time dealing with rejection.I'm 30, separated after 6 yrs marriage about 4 months ago. Marriage had it's good times, but was generally not very happy and there was a lot of verbal and emotional abuse. I stayed because I kept hoping my husband would turn back into the sweet man I dated, who seemed to think I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I supported him, loved him, and tried everything I could think of to make things work. We finally separated with him basically being "tired of me" This is the first time I have ever been the dumpee and it's the worst because I tolerated so many behaviors I never had before, believed marriage was forever, even if you were miserable-and frankly, I was...but I was willing to stick it out anyway. It's a huge slap in the face to have given so much of myself and committed so fully to someone who treated me badly and then left to go and pursue his happiness.I don't know how to cope with this rejection.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your advice. It is amazing how spot on you all are, even with the very tiny piece of information about my current situation. You all made very good points and I found myself nodding at a lot of the wisdom you shared.
This is not an easy time for me and I am doing my best to try to shake myself off and move on...but it is hard. Thank you for not even knowing me and providing such wonderful advice. It helps more than you know to see that perfect strangers are so willing to help someone who is hurting!
A
female
reader, moan a lots wife +, writes (17 December 2012):
Horrible. I really feel for you but wonder if its really rejection or disappointment you had invested so much time and energy. I think perhaps you are feeling indignant and fuming mad he could treat you like that after all you have done for him?. I know thats what I am feeling right now regarding my situ
Maybe I am wrong. But if it was me I would turn it around to thinking, do I really want to be with him anyway??. The answer would be no so therefore I hadnt been rejected because I didnt want that life in the first place.
My therapist recently told me, when you are holding onto a relationship for whatever reason you are stopping yourself from moving into a more healthy one
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2012): Is it rejection you are having trouble with? Or is your pride hurt that HE dumped YOU? How DARE he, you are the perfect girl, you did everything you could how DARE he not appreciate it?
You can't make someone owe you love by doing them favors. No matter how well meant it is, how much from the heart.
Did the relationship go from "I love him" to "If I give up on this, I could look bad". Sometimes you got to know when to cut your losses. Sure, he was sweet during dating. Fishers spend a lot of time and effort catching a fish they don't want to eat, you don't see the thrown back fish leaping back in the fishers arms, prepping itself in a nice dressing begging to be grilled?
You could keep focusing on your hurt pride or you could count yourself lucky you got away. You tried and it didn't work out. That sucks but life goes on. Don't become one of those people who can't shut up about their ex. You got a second chance, use it.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (17 December 2012):
 Grieving when something ends is natural...suffering is an option and suffering will not contribute or change anything about your situation.
You have not had enough time pass to recover, but it will come. Yes you gave a lot, Yes your husband used to be sweet, Yes it is upsetting when something you treasured ends, but he was abusive, made you miserable and tired of you!!! Do not cloud your thinking with 'what if's' and ignore the deep gapeing problems that existed.
You are a young woman with a full life ahead of you. You have been given a second chance to enjoy your life and who knows what wonders await you?? You have successfully escaped a bad situation, you have learned that you can love and give and you can take that onto other relationships.
Yes we all think marriage is forever when we get into it, but for most people it is NOT forever unless both partners want it that way...sadly the ideal doesn't quite fit with human behaviour and emotions!!
Give yourself more time to lament your sadness but don't let it go on forever...life is way too short and you are responsible for your own happiness so count your blessings and get moving!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2012): Its a blessing that he left you or else you would be doomed to a lifetime of misery.At least now that he set you free you have a chance to heal and find true happiness.He was verbally and emotionally abusive to you and yet you still wish he had not left you?? You wanted to stick it out and stay married forever because that's what you believed marriage was about??You need to seriously examine your attitudes to marriage and love and self respect. He was wrong for being abusive but you willingly kept yourself trapped in am abusive situation so you played some role in your own misery too. Since you didnt have am epiphany and leave jim of uour own accord (instead he left you) its no wonder you are still messed up. But like i said it is a good thing that he left you otherwise YOU would have kept youself stuck with his abuse for who knows how long. You need to realize that you cannot make someone change wjo they are. If he is abusive, he will apways be and nothing you could do would change that. He was nice in the beginning because abusive people are only abusive to those they are close to while putting on a warm and cheery facade to outsiders, and at the time when dating you didn't know him well enough and were not relationally close enough for him to turn his abuse onto you.Learning healthier ways to view marriage and yourself and your role in a marriage, is the first step toward healing.
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A
female
reader, crazyornot  +, writes (17 December 2012):
I understand the feeling. My husband got bored with me and my two children, and after 6 years of marriage decided that someone else would better suit his needs. I tried for three years to make it work, thinking the best thing for my two kids was for us to work through everything. He continued to choose other things other than his family. I also thought that marriage was for life - through the good times and the bad.But what challenged me was when a friend looked at me and asked, "Is it better to be in a marriage and incredibly unhappy or out of a marriage and happy?" and "What example are you living for your children about being a wife if you are pretending all the time?" This challenged me to finally take control and embrace my own life. You need to realize that you are important in the world as well. You are, in the long run, better off to move onward and upward. There are people in your life that cherish you and just because he doesn't, does not give him permission to ruin your life for the decades. It isn't easy to move on...I've been doing it for 3+ years, but I'm far happier now that I ever was with him.Goodluck and I'll pray for you :)
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A
male
reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (17 December 2012):
 its hard to make a relationship work and if it doesn't work that doesn't make you a failure. in a year or two you will be happier than you have been for years and maybe you will have found somebody else too. just concentrate on working through the negative feelings. make a point of making a few new friends.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (17 December 2012):
I suggest that you take a Magic Marker and write "miserable" on one hand and "Happy" on the other....
Go to sleep that night... and, the next morning, look at both of your hands and decide which one you find the more enticing.... and go with that one......
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