A
female
age
41-50,
*arahha
writes:My Husband is lying!My husband and I have been together for 2 years. We have a beautiful 7 month old daughter. (I have 3 children from previous relationship) The problem lies within his past relationship with another woman. He started dating this woman when she was only a few months pregnant. They were together for almost 4 years. The baby girl she had has known my husband as her dad since she was born. He falsely signed the paternity papers and gave her his last name when she was 11 months old. The mother and him have been seperated for the past 3 1/2 years now. He still continues to take care of the little girl who is now 7 years old. The little girl does not know the truth about her "real" father. The mother has been married to another man for the past 3 years and now has two other children with him. They have their own family now. But yet the mother still continues to allow my Husband to play the "father" role and asks for money and expensive gifts. Is this fair to me and my children who are at home with us?My Husband never told me the truth about this little girl not being his "real" daughter. I heard it from some of his friends. It hurt that he would not trust me enough to tell me something like this. My husband says that he doesn't want to be a "monster" and that's why he continues to portray the father role. His Ex and him get along "wonderfully." I am worried that he still has feelings for her and that's why he continues to support her daughter. I am afraid this will ultimately break us apart.
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female
reader, Sarahha +, writes (17 November 2008):
Sarahha is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am VERY upset that my husband did not tell me about the true relationship regarding this little girl. I tell him EVERYTHING! He knows about my worst faults, my regrets, and this discussion we are having. I feel betrayed that I had to find out this very important detail from his friends and family. He was not afraid of my reaction, because I love the little girl. We have a special bond. I am very understanding and perhaps if he would have told me the truth, it would not be so hard to deal with. I have to wonder what his motives are. Does he still care about the Ex? My gut tells me YES. He talks to her on the phone, as if she is his great friend. They carry on a conversation like you would with a very close person. She tells him everything about her and her husband. I feel that she sees my husband as her fall-back guy. If her relationship with her current husband does not work out, she can still use my husband.
My biggest problem with this whole situation is the fact that my husband did not tell me the truth about this girl. And the Ex is so darn manipulative. I have a problem with the LIES. I want my children to know the truth, as well as the little girl. They are Cousins! Is this wrong to want them to know the truth now, istead of later in life? We can still have a relationship with the little girl, but she will know the truth and we will be cousins.
A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (17 November 2008):
 Fade ~ She isnt in Canada, the child is 7 and they are asking for big ticket items and extravagances, not just normal support.
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A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (16 November 2008):
I do know how hard this has been for you. As I said, I have been through it! One of the reasons you probably love this man is because he is so nice. I know thats how it is for me. He is so kind, so gentle, so loving. But I didnt like to see him being used. I didnt like to see him ALLOWING himself to be used. He refuses to see the bad in people and wants so much to be loved that he will refuse to see reality. I tried to point out to him how they were using him and how wrong it was to be giving this kind of money to these people. People whom he has never known other than as long distance friends, people who have a 'man' in their life to provide for them, people who always expect a free ride from everyone, people who have an entittlement attitude and are always turning to him for money and expensive gifts but who give him next to nothing in return. But no matter what I said he would just dig in his heels more. He felt I was questioning his ability to love and his judgement in who to love. He was sure that the reason I didnt want him to give to them was because I was greedy and wanted it all for myself, even though I never asked for or received anything from him. He would insist how wonderful they were just because to admit I was right meant that he had been a dupe for countless years and he couldnt face that. This last time he visited and he took me with him his eyes opened up quite a bit. With me by his side he saw things he had always ignored. He is finally just starting to see the truth. But it has been a long, horrible battle to get there.
I would suggest that you sit down with your husband and tell him just what a sweet, loving, wonderful man you think he is. Explain how wonderful you think he is for stepping into this girls life as a father when she had none. Then say that with the holidays coming up we need to set some limits for ALL the children, including her. Say $100 for each child. And that we will spend no more than $50 per birthday. That way it is not being greey or just wanting to take it away from her. All the children are to be treated equally. That way he can tell the ex, sorry, I cant buy a wii, but I can give you $50 towards the purchase of one. That is our bugetary limit. When she comes to visit, explain right at the beginning that she is there to visit with you and spend some fun time together, not to go shopping. Let her know not to ask for any presents because none will be forthcoming. Now, if you go somewhere, say an amusment park, and there is a gift shop, you might buy EACH of the children a small gift. You could give each of them a $10 limit to pick out anything they like. But that is it. No bicycles, no wiis, no expensive blackmail. But you and your husband need to be on the same page or you will be fighting a losing battle.
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A
female
reader, Sarahha +, writes (16 November 2008):
Sarahha is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDeejuliet,
Thank you for your comments and help. I originally posted my thoughts with a lot of anger and hurt. But having input from others has helped me clear my head a lot. This has been an ongoing issue for me and my husband for the last 2 months, and I have said and thought many hurtful things. I have explained my feelings the best way I could to him. He is a wonderful man and has tried everything to make me feel better about the situation.
The fact that this woman is using him, and he is so nice, has become conflicting. I just don't want to be the "bad" guy in this whole situation. I know people will have their opinions about what my motives are. I am not a jealous or bitter person. I am not thinking about myself. I just want things to be "right."
You have helped me more than you know on this delima that I was having. I find more "peace" in knowing that I am not such a rotten woman for feeling this way. THANK YOU SO MUCH!
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A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (16 November 2008):
Ok, now we are getting to the root of the problem. It is the ex! You see her as manipulative, demanding and as just using your husband. I understand. In my case the ex that I already mentioned was (IS!) manipulative, deceptive, lazy (she has been on welfare for the past 13 years as a 'lifestyle choise' because she wanted to stay home with the kids full time who are now 15 and 18 years old) and had an entittlement attitude. She would pull on my boyfriends heartstrings about how 'poor' they were and he would just want to give the girls a better life. He would give them several hundred dollars each for birthdays and christmas and when he would see them every few years he would never tell them no. They would hit him up for $150 bathing suits, sephora makeup, and anything else their little hearts desired. They talk on the phone every couple months, see each other every couple years and come always with their hands out. I went with my boyfriend for this last visit, the first in 2 1/2 years and met them all. He did not give them any money last christmas or birthdays due to me. The ex actually had the audacity to tell me she felt I had no right to stop him from giving them their money!
So am I right in thinking you see yourself as having a situation more similar to mine? By the way, it is ridiculous for him to buy a 7 year old a wii, bioligical child or not. It is way too expensive and completely unecessary. Most especially if he cannot provide gifts like that for all the children. They should be treated equally. It sounds like they want a wii for their 4 children and figure this is a cheep way to get it. He can and should say no to her and them. He should also grow a backbone and tell her no when she visits. Perhaps you two can sit down with her and explain the rules of your household in a very gentle way at the beginning of her next visit. This has got to be hard on her, too. She is a stranger coming alone to a strange household and she feels angry, lost and intimidated. The best way to assert her own importance is to misbehave or to demand (and receive!) gifts.
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A
female
reader, Sarahha +, writes (14 November 2008):
Sarahha is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDeejuliet, you are very articulate and have a good sense of coming at this issue from all sides. I really appreciate your input. You have really hit the nail on the head with a couple of issues regarding my changed feelings. This little girl does live 16 hours away. My husband only sees her one weekend a year. The Ex continues to call and ask for money and now it’s an expensive Wii playstation for a birthday gift. I don’t even want to know what they are going to ask for Christmas. My husband has had money sent Western union and most of the time he sends checks. On holidays and birthdays, our other children only receive gifts adding up to $100.00 because of our budget. Nothing more. The Ex has told me some really disturbing things about the relationship she and my husband currently have. I don’t appreciate her comments at all. My husband acknowledges that she doesn’t want us to be together. The rest of my in-laws tell me that this girl (the mother/Ex) will literally destroy us if we let her. They can’t stand her at all. She is very manipulative and a chronic liar. I do feel that my Husband is only making the Ex happy and it is her choice for this charade to continue. He is such a nice guy that he will not tell ANYONE no. Yes, He has been in the little girl’s life from the time she was born, but the father - daughter role really doesn’t exist outside of the money and phone calls. The times that she has been here with us, I am the one spending the majority of the time with her. He doesn’t do anything with her. Furthermore, when she has visited, he takes orders from her. If she wants a new bike, she gets a new bike. Anything she tells him to do, she will stress it with a “now.” I have overheard her mother aging this behavior on with the little girl. And he allows this behavior from this little girl. He does not treat her like our other children. If they cross the line, he is sure to put them back in their place. I have talked to him about this. He wants me to be the enforcer when she comes next time. Is this fair for me to be the “bad” guy and make her mind her manners next time? The fact that we are cousins has also changed my feelings of lying to my children as well as her. I think the truth is the best thing. If we are honest now, the children will not grow up thinking that it is o.k. to lie. And they will be able to trust us later in life. Right?
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A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (14 November 2008):
I have been thinking about your problem and I think we really need to get at the root of your issue. Is it the money? Is it the fact he didnt tell you the whole truth right away? Is it that the child is really a cousin?
Look, I understand your pain. I was in something similar. My boyfriend used to send huge amounts of money and would buy expensive gifts for an ex girlfriend and her 2 teenaged daughters. The differance was he didnt meet the girls until they were 5 and 8 years old and they live 2000 miles away so he only sees them every 1-3 years for a couple days to a week. He claimed to be the 'only father they have ever known' (the mom has a boyfriend of 9 years that is in the girls life), and that it was his 'joy' to be able to give to them. He would give money to the ex to 'honor the love they once had for each other'. Basiscally it was all so much bullsh**. He liked playing the hero. It gave him an ego boost. This was a huge issue between us that nearly tore us apart. It is only recently that he has finally given up sending them money.
But you see the differance was that he didnt meet them till older, that he hardly ever saw them, and that he was not and could not be a father or father figure to these girls no matter how much he wanted to or how much money he sent. They were also teenagers and money directly to the ex.
In your situation you have a very young child who has always been told that this man is her actual father! He is on her birth certificate and legally is her dad! He has been a constant figure in her life, not some great guy who pops in every couple years with a sack full of goodies like Santa. He has been there to actaully raise her. He has made rules and enforced them. He has read her bedtime stories and taken care of her when she was ill. He has taught her right from wrong. He has been there in the good and the bad. If I am wrong, please correct me!
For you to try to take this all away just because it turns out you are second cousins is bizzarre to me! What is the real reason behind this? I think it is that you feel betrayed that he didnt tell you the truth from the beginning.
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A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (13 November 2008):
The fact that they are second cousins somehow ruined your happiness that your husband was stepping up to the responsibility of being this girls father? I must be missing something, but that seems an incredibly stupid reason to have had a change of heart from being 'thrilled' to being so angry and hurt. I do understand that there are some serious trust issues here. Your husband should have told you the truth about this little girls biology right from the start. But, again, it is not the childs fault and she thinks your husband IS her father. Yes, she may call her step dad, 'Dad' but that does not mean she doesnt still love your husband and think of him as Dad. My children want to call my boyfriend 'Dad' and we arent even married! They have a 'real' dad, but because they also love my boyfriend and he has been a fatehr figure to them for so long they periodically ask if they can call him 'Dad'.
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A
female
reader, Sarahha +, writes (13 November 2008):
Sarahha is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI left out some very important info. Recently, we found out that this little girl and her mother, brother, sister, etc. are related to me and my children. We are all cousins. We are second cousins. So instead of being step-siblings, I think it is better now to let our children know the truth about their family.
The little girl does have a "real" father out there but she has never met him. The man that is married to her mom is her "dad" now. She calls him "dad."
Don't you think it is fair to end the lies being told to her now. And perhaps tell the truth instead of dragging this out further. My children will know her as "cousin" and not "step-sister." The reason for this is because, I raise my children without lies. Being honest to them will benefit them in the long run. If you can't trust a parent to tell you the truth, who can you trust?
Before we found out our family history, I was genuinely thrilled that my Husband was so careing and compassionate for this little girl. But, after learning that we are cousins, I just can't continue to lie about her being the sister to my children. In reality she is their cousin!
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A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (13 November 2008):
Wow! This is an incredibly emotionally loaded question. I can understand very much how you feel. Because there is not the actual biological tie you feel your husband should move on and focus just on you and yours. But the thing is, he has been this childs 'Dad' since before she was even born! She is only a small girl and she has always been told that this man is her father. She looks to him and loves him just like he is her father. Just because she is not biologically his does not mean she is not his. I mean, if she were an adopted child, neither party's biological child, rather than the ex's biological child but not your husband's, and then they got divorced would you feel the same way?
Does your husband love and take care of your other children? Does he play the father role for them? Certainly he does! How would you feel if you two got divorced in a few years and he said that he wanted nothing to do with your children since they were not actually his? Now take that and quadruple it. Your children know that your husband is not their 'real' father. This little girl does not. Your children came to your husband later in life and remember a time before him. This little girl does not. It is patently unfair to this little girl to say that just because he did not contribute the sperm to create her he can no longer be her father. You are talking about breaking the heart of a 7 year old!
Now, seeing as the mom has remarried and can provide a stable life for the little girl I dont think 'expensive gifts' should be asked for. But, yes, he will need to pay some maintainance. She is legally his child even if not biologically. Unless your husband really wants to go to court to challange the paternity and get himself removed and then probably never see this little girl again and crush her completely I think you are stuck with a stepchild.
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A
female
reader, helpjayne  +, writes (13 November 2008):
 i don't think he has feelings for her he has probably made a bond with this child and he didn't want to tell you she wasn't his because he was worried you'd think that he still has feelings for his ex, however i think your husband shouldn't be paying out for expensive gifts. this is unfair on you but i think to take the man she has called her father for years would be cruel and she would pretty much feel alone i think your husband doesn't want to let his ex's child down. it isn't fair on you but perhaps you his ex and him could all sit down and come to some sort of arrangement so everyone feels like they have had their say.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2008): I am confused my the question. Are you that blinkered and lacking in compassion that this is a serious question?
The child is innocent, he was there at the moment of birth as the father and has been there ever since. He raised the child as his own and it takes more than donating sperm to be a father and you can be a father without doing that.
Is it any different to adopting? he is her father, simple, start finish, end of.
He took on the role of real father from the get go, no different to adoption. I would be happy that your man is such a good guy and compassionate and let go of this selfish streak you have as it does not serve you well at all.
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