A
female
age
51-59,
*azardkat
writes:I have been married for 4 years and don't know where to start. i'm 35 yrs old and married to a pilot who is gone a lot. I have a son from a previous marriage and my husband resents my son just because we have to pay for tuition and things that he does not feel we should be responsible for even though it is in the divorce papers. He knew what we were going to be responsible for before he married me. We live in my parents 2 flat in an apartment above them because my parents are elderly and my father needs care. I married against my parents better judgement and they were not happy with the decision but they are accepting. My husband hates the fact that we pay my parents $700 a month rent. We could be paying more somewhere else. Someday the house will go to me and he does not want to wait. He feels that my father is "taking up space" and has no right to still be living. He has said those words to me many times because he hates that I spend time at the hospital with my father and drive him to the ER when needed. He feels it is my mothers job and I should not have to be responsible for my father. My mother is 70 yrs old and watches my 3 children while I care for my dad. We don't want hospice or any nursing home. He is not ready to die he is just very sick and we know how to care for him. He got sick the month I got married and has been getting worse through time. He has progressive lung disease and osteoperosis and has broken bones all the time. Anyhow....My husband hates my mother and has said that as well. My parents are good to him. He refuses to do little things such as mowing the lawn..."why should I mow the lawn...I pay rent!" its not my job!....he thinks my 70 yr old mother should be mowing the lawn ..same with snow...I have had to climb on the roof while pregnant to remove snow from the roof because "its not his job" I dont even want to have intimate moments with him. He says that Sex is everything I dont agree. He doesnt take time to make me feel special...its just for the moment to get what he wants and then he goes to sleep. I was thin all my life and gained weight during pregnancies. I have since lost all the weight and he calls me ugly and tells me my body is abnormal. I cant lay with a man that says that to me and then wants to be intimate. My feelings have been shut off for several months and I have told him that i want a divorce....i dont feel that i should stay for the sake of my kids. he is not the best father...he doesnt have patnence and kids annoy him. he loves them but he doesnt feel its his job to care for them at all. middle of the night diapers is a womans job he says. he will eat in front of the kids with them begging him for food and he pushes them away literally....i will be right there feeding them..they just want to eat from his hand...he screams at them if they are crying and he cant make them stop....he calls my 7 yr old a baby and a spoiled brat because my parents are very involved in his life....he hates living in chicago and hates the fact that we live above my parents....i wont move right now because its just not the right time...he has an unstable job...he has had 4 jobs in 4 yrs and we cant afford a house with a pay scale that goes from $20k a year to $40 and 60k back down to 20k without notice due to the airline industry. his pay drops often and we suffer financially and go months without a job. He does not want me to work because child care is too expensive... I have family in another state and I went to visit. While gone not looking for anything...I ran into an old friend....we wound up spending every waking moment together. I brought my daughter who is 16 months with me on the trip. A week long trip turned into 3 weeks. i want things to stay pure so we did not have sex but we were together constantly. he would come to my aunts house where i stayed and get the baby and have her dressed and fed before i even got up...he would take her with him to feed the horses and i saw things in him that a man cant fake ...he couldnt have kept up an act for that long...meaning how he doted on my daughter and would play with her...put her to bed...he would leave us at night and tuck us both in and kiss me on the forhead and be there when we woke the next morning...a few nights we stayed up and sat on the hood of my truck all night long talking and watching the stars.....we shared our feelings for one another which were growing strong and fast....even though ive known him for 18 years i learned many things about him that I never knew....i felt as if i had met my soul mate during that time....he is not the reason i want to divorce and will not be a factor in it at all....i dont know what to do...i dont want to be sinful or deceitful in any way but i feel that i am being untrue to my heart by being married to someone i dont love. my inlaws are wonderful and love me as a daughter and have no clue that we have had a troubled marriage. they don't know how their son acts...they are in another state as well....what do i do? I am not happy in my marriage ...i am not going to run into the other persons arms as soon as i am divorced either...i told the person i want it to go slow and enjoy a courtship with him ...i want to be smart and not run into someone elses arms just because my heart is lonley. i talk to the other person through email daily and on the phone when time permits. i want to make the right decisions in life. forgive me for making this long...
View related questions:
divorce, soulmate Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, pleshette +, writes (31 July 2008):
First of all, Pray for your husband because it's seems to me that the man is crazy. Also ask god what to do because that is crazy you should not have to worry about your parents those are your parents and if you have to take care of them you do what you have to do because you only get parents once in alife time. It seems to me that your husband want to live somewhere for free with his sad ass. I'm mad because your father are sick and your husband is not given you any support what so ever. if he treat your kids like shit find someone that will care about you. I have been marry for 9 years my husband is a bitch when i first met him he was so nice. I had two children when i got with him after i got pregnant with his child he treats my boys like shit and there 17 years old and 15 years old and i have been with him for over 12 years. I'm tell you something pray about it and ask the good lord what to do far as my situation i'm still with my husbamd but since i learn to pray for him and ignore his silly ass he shows the kids a little respect but it will be coming to an end ond day.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2008): my husband is a drug addict. all he cares about is his drugs and his computer games. we have two kids and he says he wants to stop but cant what do i do? im in a situation where his mom has passed and left us a house but the house is now in his brothers name. I feel like his brother wants to control what we do with the house and his father calls us irresponsible when im the only one here that has a job and pays all the bills. I want to leave but dont make enough money to pay for rent at the moment and car too. he damages my stuff when im gone and the police do nothing. do i have rights to my property such as my car?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008): get out while you can-- he is n't worth it--now i am 15 yrs and 4 kids into my relationship and its so much harder to go
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2008): It seems as though you have already decided to leave this marriage and have emotionally moved on in many ways. You will be much better off physically separating from your husband and taking some time to work through your own stuff right now before you get deeply involved with some one else. It seems as though your husband makes life harder for you and your children. It is troubling that he calls you and your 7 year old names. I hope that you are able to consult a professional councelor for support. I have a resource for you since you are in the Chicago area- there is a great family counceling center run through North Western University that operates on a sliding scale- The Family Institute. They have a few locations and offer personal, family and couples counceling- http://www.family-institute.org/candp.aspx 847-733-4300
All the best-
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): Hi. I agree with you that you should not stay in your marriage. Your husband is verbally abusive to you and your son, and is very disrespectful to your parents. I was married to a verbally abusive man and did leave the relationship. It was a very good thing to do. My life is much healthier now and I, too, have found a kind, caring partner. My family life is much happier. I think that ending your marriage would be a responsible thing to do for your children, parents, and yourself. I advise letting your new friend know that you need time to deal with ending your marriage before getting involved with him. Perhaps email contact would be fine, and keep him as a friend and possible future partner, but don't get more involved until your divorce is completed. Don't mention this fellow to your husband or family. He has nothing to do with your need to leave your abusive selfish jerk of a husband. If the new fellow really wants you he'll wait until you're free. And you'll know that you did everything in an honest, fair, ethical way. Your parents will be sooooo happy, and your main responsibility is to them. Your husband is not worth "honoring" because he doesn't honor your parents. (And he also doesn't honor you, either, so the marriage vows are pretty onesided, and thus not so meaningful.) Let's recap: Lose the husband, putting new guy on hold for a few months. Tell your parents and son that they are worth more than the creep dished out to them, and that's why you're divorcing him. Say living with parents and helping them out. They've stuck by you, and new guy should move to where you are if things progress that far. Does this sound like a plan?
...............................
A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (17 October 2007):
 It looks like you have very specific needs for financial assistance when a new relationship starts. But you did say you made that clear to him before you got married, so he shouldnt be blaming the financial difficulties on you.
I expect he is frustrated with his life and the financial pressures he's under and is taking it out on you. His cruelty to your parents and his poor attitude to your kids is inexcusable though.
You are going to have to find a way out of this relationship, it is doing no-one any favours .
Good luck for the future.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2007): So, he'll have a fit will he? Not your problem. As we say on this side of the 'pond' "Tough Shit!"
Surely you could live with your parents with that sort of monthly income? $1300 a month should cover most if not all of your expenses, surely?
He's brought the problem on. Time to pay up and look big.
Phil
...............................
A
female
reader, Yogichickk +, writes (16 October 2007):
 Get out now for the sake of your children. If he straightens himself out later, he'll know where to find you.
...............................
A
female
reader, hazardkat +, writes (16 October 2007):
hazardkat is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would not move to the other state because of my parents. The other person would bring his children here. They have extended family but he does not have anything that will tie him to where he is. My parents cannot afford for me to live without income. My husbnad will have a fit when he sees how much child support he will have to pay. It is 28% of his income after taxes which amounts to about $1300 a month. I will be having surgery in November and will be able to work after I recover. I can teach piano in my home. I did that for many years. I will not be having more children I have had a TL.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 October 2007):
 Sounds like you need to separate and file for divorce. Get a good lawyer because your husband doesn't appear to have much sense of responsibility so make sure you have the bases cover for your kids' sakes.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2007): Im sorry about your situation. Your husband sounds like a total jerk. Why did you marry him? I'd suggest that you get a divorce, and do not have any more kids. Get on birth control. Help your parents. Would they let you live with them if you didn't have income? You would get child support, maybe you could get a part time job & your mom could watch the kids while you work? How will you help your parents out if you go live where this other guy is at in another state?
...............................
|
