A
female
age
30-35,
*lizabethdh21
writes:My husband is angry a lot, it isn't his fault he has an explosive anger disorder. Lately he's been snapping at me for asking simple questions. He's more of a private person and I'm a very open one. We know that we are very different but I'm scared that we won't work.. I want to know how I can ask a question without him getting angry, I really want this to work out but to do that our communication needs some work. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, songlover +, writes (26 January 2010):
OMG! You have just described the situation I have with my boyfriend! I thought I was all alone in this weird sort of thing. I need to learn more about the IED. I had never heard of it before.Yes, it is very stressful dealing with someone like this. Most of the time he is ok, and it's during those times that I am constantly aware of why I love him so. But What I am afraid of is that over time, once the honeymoon has faded, that I will no longer have the strength and patience it takes to cope with his sudden angry moods. They leave me feeling horrible, discouraged, unloved and/or unappreciated (although I have learned that these episodes are not really personal, more like I am collateral damage - i.e., in his space at the time).That said, I have to give my self frequent pep talks.He does love me, very very much. He is aware of his problem, but I'm not sure he realizes just how much these episodes damage and are wearing us (well, me) down.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2010): His irritability may also occur because of a lack of sleep so make sure that he doesn't have any sleeping problems that do not allow him to get rested. He may have to go to a sleep lab to get checked.
If you are scared and need to approach him on eggshells you really need to reevaluate your relationship as this is no way to live with ANYONE, even your husband. If he will not cooperate with you and get the treatment he needs you may need to walk away from the relationship as you will not be able to live with him if you have to tremble in his presence.
You need to assert your self and that you are a strong woman who can defend herself and not be belittled. You need to communicate to him from a position of strength. You will not be made to cower when he unleashes his anger but if he continues with it and does not seek to diminish it greatly, you will leave him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2010): First, if he has Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED), he needs focused and regular treatment, and if he's prescribed medication he MUST follow his treatment plan. Failure to do that IS HIS RESPONSIBILITY. He has to play a part in his recovery, and can't pawn it off to a "condition" that he will not participate in dealing with.
You're going to need to do some couples work, and develop your own skills and tools for being in a relationship with him. The most important thing to know is when he's mentally NOT THERE, and how to deal with the nut case that's currently ragging in front of you. Trying to carry on any kind of interaction with a triggered IED is fruitless and can only make the situation worse.
This is going to be tough and you need to decide at what point your willing to leave, set the bar and once he crosses it pull the plug. is it the first time you have to call the cops? Stitches? broken bones? Lights the house on fire? Kills the puppy? Gets arrested for road rage? puts a gun to your head? Ties you up and puts you int eh closet? (Hint: don't just pick one of these...)
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