A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I just got married 4 weeks ago. My husband and I were both virgins on the wedding night. I am 27 and when I was 15 going on 16 I had a boyfriend. We did a lot of things, but never sex. My husband did nothing, he only ever kissed a girl. Now he can not stop obsessing over my past and wants to know every single detail of what i have done and why I did it and what I was thinking and feeling when I did things. He did this before we were married as well, but I assumed after marriage this would stop. Well, it has not and it has only increased. I answer him as best I can, but I reach breaking points where I just can't take it. He doesn't seem to understand that is a part of my past that I wish to not relive on a daily basis. What can I do to help him get over this, so we can enjoy our married life together?
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both virgins, wedding, wedding night Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (5 September 2009):
 This comes up frequently here. These might be helpful:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retroactive-jealousy--how-do-i-overcome-it.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-cope-with-my-husbands-reaction.html
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2009): OK, fair enough.
Although I never said anything to her, I felt something similar when my wife and I were first dating. She never said word one about what had gone on with previous boyfriends (except to say she was a virgin). But sometimes my imagination would run on and make me a bit crazy.
My wholly unsatisfactory answer is that time will take care of the problem. After a while he'll understand in his bones that he *does* have all of you, and the past will matter less and less. I'm sorry that I don't have any ideas for a quick fix for you. But it sounds like you two have a great start to your marriage, and that he values it. That should help come to terms with things.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is the original poster. I know he is wrong, he knows he is wrong. He hates doing it and he hates feeling that way and making me feel that way. He wants to know what he can do to help him stop w/ this problem. So saying that I married him and I chose him isn't the issue. That is only reason he has a problem w/ my past because he loves me so much. He wants all of me. I really love him and annulling a marriage would never happen at this point. he is my soul mate.So the question is not who is wrong, but how can the wrong person get over it?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2009): You tell him that you chose *him* to be your mate for life, you chose him to be your first and only. You tell him that you have dedicated the rest of your life to him, according to your marriage vows.
And you tell him that if that isn't good enough for him you'll ask for the marriage to be annulled.
It's time your husband grew up.
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