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female
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*qua1976
writes: My husband and I have been married for 4 years and have experienced a lot in that amount of time. When I was 16 years old, i was sexually assaulted and my views regarding sex changed dramitically. My husband is the first person I had sex with without being under the influence of alcohol/drugs.I recognize that I have 'issues' with sex and I am attempting to work on them so I do not 'ruin' my marriage. This is what my husband has communicated. He has told me that if I do not change, there is no hope for us. When we first met, I was open about my assault and stated that although I recognize sex is an important element of a marriage, it was not very important to me, and he said that he felt the same way. Well, he recently told me that it is not the case and he views sex as an integral part of a marriage. He tells me that it is about being close and intimate with me, however whenever we do have sex, there is nothing intimate about it...no kissing, no foreplay...just me lying there waiting for him to finish.Additionally I have observed and confronted him about masturbating everynight and he states that it is because I am not fulfilling him sexually and I should be glad that he has not resorted to cheating. I have spoken with him on a number of occasions in an attempt to better understand and respect each other, however he tells me that I am the one with the issue and it is my responsibilty to 'fix' it....help me! Please! How do I get him to understand that this is our issue and we need to address it together. Am I too 'stubborn'and selfish'?
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female
reader, Toria +, writes (28 September 2006):
 Your married which means any issue that is yours is also his, especially if that issue includes him which this one does.
You need to talk to him and make him understand that yes this is your issue and the problem lies with you but you need him to understand and support you with this as this is the only way you can get through this 'together'
Good luck :o)
A
female
reader, aqua1976 +, writes (28 September 2006):
aqua1976 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Lostandalone, Thank you for your response, I appreciate your input. To answer your question, he was aware of my 'issues' prior to our marriage and made it seem as if he understood and felt the same. Additionally, I do see a personal counselor, with whom I have come to realize that this is not going away and will on get progessively worse if we do not act togather....he is not up for counseling at this point and often tells me this is my issue that I need to fix.
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male
reader, Lostandalone  +, writes (28 September 2006):
 My question for you is: Was this an issue before you were married? I mean if he knew the problems that you had before he married you then why is he so upset and nonsupportive now. I think that you all should get into counseling together and you alone. If not I agree with him that your marriage will be doomed.
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