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female
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anonymous
writes: My life is not the same anymore. I have been with my partner for quite a few years and we used to go everywhere together and was always together. Then he started to get into fitness started with jogging to begin with,which I didn't mind him doing. Then he joined a gym with his friend; that's really when the trouble started.He didn't seem interested in me anymore and was spending most of his time with his friend or down the gym. He became very vain. I was at home lonely and I mean very lonely. Then I happened to met this man just out of the blue, he paid me attention and I took it. I fell in love with him like no other man before,but there was one problem: he was married.Anyway I finished it. My partner knew about the affair, but didn't seem to bother as long I was here to keep things running. Things haven't changed and I don't think they will. We have talked but nothing is resolved.I think somedays I just stay for my son and a safety net for myself. I am so unhappy and don't know what to do. We argue all the time now as well. Please give me some advice.
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female
reader, Tiavancouver  +, writes (28 November 2008):
I am not a big believer in cheating HOWEVER I understand why you or anyone else would. Not to mention ever person has their definition of what cheating is and who is to say that any of my ex's would be too happy that I spent time with my guy friends crying on their shoulders and having them hug me when that is what I really needed. Obviously something was/is missing in your relationship that you sought out or fell in love with someone else. He just happened to be married - if he had not been, who knows where you would be today, right? The fact that your partner was/is not too phased that you had an affair is a bit off to me. That makes me think that either 1. he has or is having some himself so who is he to call the kettle black or 2. he really does not give a rats a$$. I sadly would probably lean towards #1, but throw a little of #2 in there. Sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh, I am not very fond of men at the moment, I have found very few of them to be anything but selfish a$$es only caring about themselves. OH, they can be sweet and all when they want to be, but it tends to come with a price, is conditional, or comes back to slap you in the face later on. Staying for your son's sake - NO! He picks up on everything! And he will later on play that out in his relationships with women. TRUST ME, I have been going through enough therapy to hear about how the years with our parents affect/effect how we are later on in life. I am dealing with those issues myself - both with what I dealt with and with my so called boyfriend went through and I have the drawn out look, added wrinkles, and upset stomach to prove it. IT IS JUST NOT WORTH IT. Take care of you and your son 1st. All he thinks about is himself - they all do. Selfish - there are only a few that are not like that. There is nothing wrong with being a GOOD Selfish - in that you look out for yourself and your well-being and that is what you need to do here - heck, maybe I will start taking some of my own advice too....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2008): I completely know what you are talking about. It is very easy to judge when you aren't familiar with the situation. My husband is such a mama's boy, it's sick. He joined a gym with his mother. He doesn't come home at night because he's at Mommy's house. Before we got married, my mother told me the old addage, "A man treats his wife like he does his mother." No one told me I'd have to wait for her to die. I argue with him because he thinks I'm being selfish. I ask him if his father goes to his mother's house and leaves his wife at home. He tells me it's different because his parents have "children", who are all over 25 years old. How are we supposed to have children when I'm in bed before he gets home? His mother doesn't encourage him to come home, because I'll never love him as much as she does. I'm lonely, but won't cheat. I don't leave because I love him. I feel like a battered wife that has never been beaten.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2007): I'm in the same situation. I think most men are selfish and only think about them selves. Do what makes you happy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2007): I don't understand why these men seem to need to go out and do their own thing. My husband is never home. He works his full time job and then goes to his part-time job plus he has hobbies. He has a good paying job and the only reason he has a part-time job is because he is in the Militia and he get to play with the big toys and guns etc. How maucho is that!! I have just been left alone for two weeks while he went to play army games with his buddies. Why do these guys have to have these times away? Why bother getting married? Just so they can have free sex whenever they want and not be lonely when they are home? What about us? Do we do our own thing too? Then why bother getting married? I am sick of my husband being gone all the time. I just don't understand why these guys NEED this buddy time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2006): It is apparent that your partner doesn't understand you, that you don't feel appreciated and that the trust and respect is next to nil.
Do you imagine yourself free of this man; do you feel trapped?
If you feel your partner is not your best friend and struggling with feeling rejected; these are indicators that you need help.
Is being unhappy, undervalued, unappreciated worth the ongoing neglect?
Is this a future? I say no.
I will suggest that some relationship intervention is needed and that means a couples/marriage counselling.
If he objects to this idea, then is there a point?
Tell him what you miss/need and expect of him. Tell him that you want counselling.
You must decide if you are willing to make this work or if you gave your best and now it's time to call it quits.
You don't want to get to the point where you feel so undesirable, unloved- that you have no value and worth that you would entertain thoughts of hurting yourself.
Get help, get support, get strong!!
Best wishes Sweetie!
*hugs*
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2006): I've been married for 34 years. My husband used to go out occasionally when we first got married; more frequently once we have children; and now he is away from home more often than not. Sometimes he doesn't call to let me know he'll be home late....or not at all. Yes, sometimes he doesn't come home. I doubt very much that he is having an affair; he just likes to be around friends. I told him that I didn't want to live like this anymore (kids grown and all but one have left home) but he wants to keep this marriage together. I told him many times I don't like it when he is away from home so much....why bother having a husband if he's not around, right? They don't change...they get worse. Let him know that you won't take his crap anymore and see if he'll change.
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female
reader, justme29 +, writes (13 May 2006):
 It's so easy for people to judge from the outside becz they're not in your situation but I totally understand where you're coming from... Sometimes, I put up with stupid shyt becz of my son as well so you're not the only one that feels this way.. You're in love and when you're in love, its not as easy as it sounds when someone tells you to leave him.. I have stayed through some dirt and the reason I stayed was becz I always say "it will get better", and it does get better (for the moment) and then its right back to his ways again.. For you, I would try my best to tell him how you feel over a candlelit dinner. Take your son to a friend's house for one night and have an evening at home (romantic evening) and let him know the reasons you fell in love with him in the first place.. Let him know what a special women he has and don't take you for granite.. Let him know that you appreciate him and make him feel special.. I really can't think of much more to do than that..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2005): pops.i think you miss read what boy?my partner doesn't want me to join the gym,one because its his space and two he said we can't afford it.all he talks about when he is home is the gym and his friend and work.when he comes home from the gym all he does is drinks beer then goes to bed for a sleep.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2005): You cheated yet your partner didnt seem bothered by it..dont you see that there is a problem with that..get real and get out you dont need a man to support you plenty of women do it without a man and if things are tough between you both you arent doing your child any favours by staying..think about you for a change.
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reader, pops +, writes (27 October 2005):
So find someone to watch your son a few nights, and join your partner doing whatever. It sounds like you cut him out of your life as soon as the boy came into the picture. He is trying to survive, too, emotionally. Talk to him. If I am right, apologize. Then arrange to spend the time you used to spend with him, so he can tell his friend its going to be a threesome when they go out. If the friend doesn't want that, he will find an excuse to leave the two of you. Welcome his friend, and be a friend to the guy, too. He probably has saved your relationship. Then start putting the kind of time into your relationship with your partner that you obviously had time to do with the "affair".
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