A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 10 years and we have 2 beautiful young children. Over the years my husband has had somewhat of a split personality. On the one hand, he is senstive, caring, loving and loyal. On the other hand, he seems like a completely different person. He calls me names, gets really angry and threatens to divorce me because I am the cause of his anger. It seems very irrational to me because the things he blames me for are so small in the scheme of things. He will not stand me even trying to express resentment and says if I change or become a hostile woman he will leave me and doesn't need a single b**ch etc... I know the problem is much deeper than the superficial things that supposedly make him angry. In his quiet, "normal" moments he tells me he can't believe he speaks to me this way and how mcuh he neglects me and cries. He admits he is not "with it" but refuses to get medical attention or take anti-depressants. On other days he is back to being mean, and again the slander and name calling begins. His Yo-Yo ing moods are sucking the life out of me and I do not know what to do anymore. I am so patient, and respectful towards him, and he, on the other hand is always mad at me. I can't even raise my voice or say how I feel about his actions because he says he won't take living with a woman like that. For the first time today, I told him, "should I then be suppressing my discontent and anger just because you can't handle it?" It made him really angry. I should add that he has always had issues with authority and cannot be told what to do.The situation is becoming unbearable. To make matters worse, my husband has a marijuana addiction. He cannot function if he doesn't smoke. The worst moments I have with him are in the mornings when he hasn't smoked yet. I usually avoid him so that I don't trigger any resentment about any one particular thing. I am aware that I am just using avoidance to try patching things up and that this does not solve anything.In the evenings, he hangs out at a friend's house because he enjoys going there (despite me asking him to spend more time with me). At times, he says he doesn't hang out with me because when he sees me he is reminded of how he has emotionally betrayed me. He has even referred to himself as a monster and even says he hates himself at times. I don't know what to do anymore as I feel like I am being manipualted to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself in order to not stir trouble, but keeping it in is making me very resentful.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2012): Hello,
I am the OP of this question. Thank you for your responses. Just to clarify, my husband doesn't smoke anywhere near the children and is very embarassed about his habit. My husband has been seen by a specialist but again, he refuses to take any kind of medication, and says that he knows line by line what a therapist would say- and it's true, he can read every person he has met and summarize what the evening's conversation will be. He is smart and emotionally intelligent, but so in need of help.
Eddie, you are right to say that I am powerless. This constant going back and forth in emotions in the same day has almost made it a norm that is acceptable. I have learned to just "adapt". I have also already written him a letter, but his reaction was also negative and again I was blamed for not understanding him and giving him guilt trips. I love this man, but I hate what I hear on an almost daily basis. I am not sure why he says he is unhappy in his marriage one day and then tells me I am the most amazing woman and mother on other days. It is such a sharp contrast.
A
female
reader, VenusFlowerBasket  +, writes (11 November 2012):
Your man sounds very manipulative. If he was truly sorry for his actions he would get help, it's as simple as that. If I were you I'd toughen up and tell him to shape up or ship out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2012): I agree with everything that Eddie says. Plus, if your children hear your husband when he is acting hostile, they are going to grow up thinking that this is the way men treat women. If you have a son, he will emotionally abuse his wife; your daughter could end up in an abusive relationship. Your husband is setting a horrible example for them.
And you're right that he's trying to manipulate you. If he were truly sorry for the way he treats you, he would stop. Period. And if he can't stop without help, then he would get help.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2012): Aw you poor thing, you don't deserve this and perhaps next time he speaks to you this way you should stay way for a while, at a freinds or something, to make him see that you are serious about him seeking help.
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A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (10 November 2012):
 First off, I am sorry to hear about your plight. I can only imagine what you are going through.
It sounds like your husband is not happy and perhaps feels trapped in your marriage so he takes it out on you. He uses his aggressive behavior to scare you off. He probably doesn't want to admit it to himself that he isn't happy. If he isn't spending time with you and he does the "wake and bake", it manes to me he is escaping reality and not dealing with your problems.
From the sounds of it, he also may be suffering from mental illness. Has he seen a doctor recently? Perhaps he is bipolar or the daily use of marijuana is altering his perception of daily life.
It doesn't sound like you have much power in this relationship and I don't see him changing unless you get proactive. I would encourage you to seek out help -- either together or on your own. Seek out a therapist or marital counselor and have your problems addressed there. They should be able to give you some tools to help deal with your husband. Again, go solo if you must if nothing more than to get a professional's opinion on what you can do.
I would also recommend that you write your husband a letter -- much like what you have done here -- and tell him his actions are destroying your marriage and personally hurting the children and you. Lay it out on the line that you cannot live with his behavior. By giving him a letter and letting him read it on his own, he won't have to put up a wall or attack you. If he has any concern about you and your relationship he will read it and hopefully take corrective action.
Finally, having two kids around him when he is doing drugs is not a good idea. The kids will learn that is acceptable behavior and will more likely abuse it at a younger age because their dad does it. If he has a substance abuse problem, it may be time for him to seek help. Smoking pot on a daily basis goes well beyond recreational use and it will eventually lead to harder drugs.
Eddie
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