A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I met when I was just 20. At the time, he was essentially a rebound as I had just broken up with my first "true love". I picked him on the basis of rational thought; he was reliable, very intelligent, caring, trustworthy, and capable. I knew straight away he was the ultimate catch. What ensued were four years of a long-distance relationship during which we had ups and downs and I managed to stay with him for about a year in his country. After two years, I distinctly remember thinking that something was wrong because he feels more like my friend than a lover. But the relationship was so great in other ways that it went on. After I graduated, we got married so I could stay in the country - possibly one of the worst reasons to get married ever. We were broke, unemployed and living with other people. Life was an absolute ordeal. We fought constantly and I never supported him the way I should have. Since then, we both worked extremely hard and got our lives back on track and are doing much better financially. But we also drifted apart, marriage counselling didn't work, sex dried up and I became so unhappy that I decided to move out about a month ago. I became convinced I didn't love him and never have.However, whilst on holiday, I started missing him and feeling downright craving for his entire being (not sexual, something much more profound - it was almost frightening after months of rejection). When I came back and saw him, he was his usual self; adorable, loving, full of understanding. When the separation hit home, I suffered a nervous breakdown. Yes, I was never passionately in love with him in a way that you lose yourself in that other person. And I was convinced I didn't care. But on the evening of my return, I felt such profound emotional pain and such deep love for every fiber of his body and soul, that we nearly called the ambulance. I was like a mad woman who had her heart ripped out from her chest and was in the final moments of struggle before finally giving in. The shock of these feelings destroyed me. I've been distraught since. After analyzing our problems, I decided, I was never "in love" because our sexual life has never been top notch. For the first time, he admitted that this is to do with his own inhibitions, not me. I feel this is so frustrating, especially for a 30-something year old that I don't know if it's worth trying to reconcile. We cannot have a marriage without fulfilling intimacy. But our sex has never had the spontaneity, playfulness or sheer acceptance of each other bodies. I desperately need this and will not go back to marriage without it. Most of the time, it feels like he just isn't there 100 percent. I made a ton of mistakes in our relationships and honestly feel I don't even deserve him. But I'm willing to change, I accept him unconditionally, would go through fires of hell with him and am ready to re-commit. But... is it possible to get that strong sexual bond that's always been lacking? How do I try to get him to understand sexual intimacy? He is already in counselling but he told me that, on this particular issue, he feels a lack of confidence (his previous relationship before me was sexless for 4 years- I know, I know, but please please don't judge)and needs to sleep with more women... hearing this, my daddie advised me to run and hide but I just can't let go of my home. He is my home. Our current situation is that we are dating and having sex but I find the process so painful, I feel heartbroken every time I leave him. The sex is much better because our communication improved a million times. Today when we were saying good bye we were like 2 kids in love, both teary, both shattered. But this is just not enough to make a marriage work. PS To make matters worse, I met this guy with whom I clicked instantaneously. We are obviously deeply compatible and he is much more emotionally spontaneous than my husband. Times with him are barrels of laughter - I've never known anyone like that before. I feel the sparks and all that but will most likely explain to him that it's not wise to see each other any longer. Nothing happened apart from hanging out.
View related questions:
confidence, heartbroken, on holiday, spark Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your reply! I think a lot depends on one's definition of love.
That being said, I don't feel like I'm giving up my past; I feel like I'm giving up a potentially wonderful future of peace, love and a great family. I feel like I could be letting go of the best thing that ever happened to me.
I wouldn't say that the chemistry isn't there. We both find each other very attractive.
He admitted that he has mental "blocks" when it comes to sex. I don't know how to solve them or if it's worth waiting for him to find a solution.
A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (18 September 2012):
 It sounds like you have an attachment based more upon history -- not love. Saying good-bye to a close friend -- and from your post that is what it sounds like you are -- is always tough, especially when you were somewhat in love in the past.
I think you need to sort out what you want out of a relationship and marriage. You have a rocky history to begin with and the sexual chemistry just isn't there. Are you willing to sacrifice your life in a sexless -- just for friends marriage? Is he willing to do the same?
Sex is a HUGE component of a successful marriage and without it, you or him are more likely to find solace with someone else -- and then at that point you are talking betrayal and hurt on a level that you can only imagine. Hopefully you take this into consideration in whatever you do -- but ultimately, you need to ask yourself if this is the type of relationship you want to invest in during what could be the best years of your life on...
Whatever decision you come up with (and the decision is ultimately yours to make), do your utmost to make the changes necessary so that YOU are happy... life is too short not to be.
Good luck.
...............................
|
