A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:bit of a strange question but i’m not the most tactile person in the world so would appreciate some other ways to respectfully get my point across to my husband. i’ve been with my hubs for 17 years nearly and he’s such a amazing dad and husband and i am very happy but and it’s only recently dawned on me he uses sex almost against me, so like there’s always a trade off or some negating on his part so like we can have sex but you need to hoover first or make these phone calls first and if i upset him or even worse disappoint him in some way then that’s it, he suddenly is very tired and won’t make love ... I’ve suddenly realised i have no control over my own sex life he’s in complete control and almost always has been. i have spoken to him about this and he denied it and his reaction was he needs to feel appreciate to make to love me, and i do appreciate him... i send him texts all the time saying thanks for doing this and that but we are both full time workers with children, we have to be a team and sometimes that means me doing a bit more at home if he’s busy with work and vice versus... when i bring the subject up there’s the obligatory eye roll from him and he now says .... life is about more than sex and the conversation is shut down, after every single love making session he always says ... i forget how much i love making love to you .... then 2/3 weeks later we are in the same position. Thank you in advance for helping me approach this in a different way .
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2020): I may be wrong, but I got the impression she is not so much complaining about the frequency of sex as how he barters her chores for sex.
I'm not surprised that he doesn't want to talk about it-- he is happy with the current situation and doesn't want to rock the boat.
Maybe this behavior feeds some fetish he has? Like he secretly fantasizes about being a gigolo?
Unless his demands really bother you I might just let it go. There are many more controlling men in the world and it sounds like you really love him.
If you also want sex more often, I'm wondering whether he has always wanted sex this infrequently? You can point out that marriage is compromise and ask for more often, but he may not have the drive to have sex as often as you want.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2020): Assuming he's mid to late 40's and is physically losing it.
My guy went through the same. I went with him to his woman cardiologist (he had a stent) "should he be avoiding marital bliss, like he is?" She said OH no, how art his erections?
To be honest pretty good for blowjobs, not so good for sex.
She wrote him a script for Viagra and got him walking 20 miles a week. He lost 20 pounds and all he was to do you know what.
Get your guy to the doctor; go with him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2020): [EDIT]: Typo corrections
"Then it becomes a challenge to integrate compromise or mutual-cooperation into your one-sided marriage."
"Either somebody is living in-denial there's something wrong; or the facts are right before you, and you're avoiding having to make a life-changing decision."
"If he realizes he is putting his marriage in jeopardy; maybe he'll take your concerns more seriously."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2020): Sex is an integral, if not essential, part of marriage. There will be factors that may hinder romance and intimacy that are unique to each individual marital-relationship. Passion can be expressed in many ways; but one of the most fulfilling expressions of affection is physically making-love to your partner. Age, health-issues, side-effects of medication, recent childbirth, psychological-injury, surgery, weight issues, body dysmorphia disorder, diabetes, erectile dysfunction, insecurity, to name a few; will cause interruptions in natural physical-interaction in human intimacy.
Then there's psychological-abuse and manipulation. Sex as a weapon, you might call it. Not to include using sex as a reward or incentive; when there are good-intentions behind it. Some people try to figure-out ways they can control, dishearten, or demean you; by pushing specific buttons, so to speak. It's difficult to tell what applies here, without having an in-depth discussion with both parties; because each individual has their own side of the situation. You can only know what is at-heart by talking to that person and hearing them out. They have to explain their own when, whats, and whys.
When your partner is unresponsive or evasive about something that clearly affects you and your marriage in a negative-way; then motive and intent becomes questionable, or totally suspect. Your trust becomes tested or compromised. He should know this, and you should tell him so.
How does a marriage that has lasted 17 years last that long, while one partner feels slighted or deprived of intimacy and affection?
1 Corinthians 7: 4-5
" 4 The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife."
"5 Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer."
This is quoted from the Bible; so we can't say necessarily one's faith suggests you deny your spouse sex without a mutual-agreement. You can search the doctrines of most religions, and restraint in most cases is suggested before marriage, not during.
It becomes hard to understand why, and how events and behavior have turned or changed? Why all of a sudden? Unless it was always an underlying-issue; but it has now reached a pinnacle in the relationship, and you have now decided it is no longer acceptable. This is it, the last-straw! Now everything is in jeopardy; and we are now on the verge of a crisis. It brings up concerns about fidelity, or suspicions about the secretive use of porn.
Old-habits are hard to break; and a sudden decision to change what has always been is less likely to happen without some disagreement or resistance. Sex was several times weekly, now only once or twice a month?!! If you've always allowed your spouse the last-word and upper-hand on most things; after many years, that power becomes difficult or impossible to relinquish. If certain values and understandings were not established on the onset, or at the beginning; it's an uphill-climb years down the road. If compromise and flexibility are usual components in a relationship, they'll remain; but if that's not part of your usual process on how you work things out, to expect it is unrealistic. Then it becomes a challenge to integrate compromise or mutual-cooperation into your marriage one-sided marriage. That's going to become a power-struggle.
Either somebody is living in-denial there's something is wrong; or the facts are right before you, and you're avoiding having to make a life-changing decision. In marriage, choices can't be impulsive or selfish. It takes mutual-cooperation and compromise to make any relationship work, and still remain durable. When one partner deprives the other, and refuses any compromise; the marriage is in danger. You can't do that, if what the other partner wants and needs is what falls within reason; and actually a part of your spousal-duties and responsibilities. Stubbornness, selfishness, and hardheadedness falls in the category of incompatibility; and marriages fail when these behaviors becomes a persistent obstacle.
It might be possible that you are now reaching the peak of your libido; while your husband's sexual-desire and testosterone levels are slowly in decline. To hide that his desire or stamina is declining; he may use various excuses or distractions to protect his male-pride. He doesn't want to appear over-the-hill, or admit he can't match your six-drive. You may not be aware of the subtle changes in his sex-drive, or simply dismiss them as temporary; but eventually it becomes more apparent that something is really different. The frequency of sex isn't what it used to be; but that's not a popular topic with men who are over 40, when he's the reason! Sometimes the only way to bring a problem up for discussion is to simply state it. "You always negotiate or suggest a quid pro quo when I want sex!" It may actually be a turn-on for him to see just how eager you are for it, and it's just a little game he likes to play. It may also be an indication he's not in the mood, and needs a little time to warm-up. Meanwhile, you're fulfilling a task with the promise of pleasure; and it may give him time to sneak a dose of the little blue pill, or some sexual-enhancer he ordered online. Later you'll find him ready and waiting for you. It may just be a male-thing, he'd rather be the initiator. He won't discuss it, so bring-it to the floor; and don't budge until you get an answer. "What's up with you???" When the eye-rolling and deflecting begins, stop him in his tracks; and tell him just how serious you are. You're not letting him off the hook this time!
A dip in passion is pretty normal in most relationships. Sex-drives become uneven, your love-life takes a dive, or your partner is acting shady. We get tired, moody, finances haunt our thoughts; or we're pouting over a lingering issue that needs to be resolved. Sometimes you have to ask questions and insist on answers. Tell them the level of urgency and the importance; or you will be dismissed with rolled-eyes. If he realizes he is putting his marriage at jeopardy; maybe he'll take your concerns more seriously. It takes courage and assertiveness; you can't dither-around and expect your husband to be forthcoming with you. It's so important to you that you've brought your problem to us; but it would be more effective, if you took the problem to your husband.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (16 September 2020):
 And the key message here is, ". then 2/3 weeks later ".
So if we do the math, we assume sex every 2.5 weeks 52 week in a year / 2.5 week frequency = about 21 times per year. Not quite clinically sexless, but definitely in the you would get more sex if you were single realm.
A lot of low sex drive people say what your husband says, "life is about more than sex". Well that is a true but useless statement. Let's analyze it. Life involves a lot of relationships. And each of those relationships are about more things than sex. But in that rich life full of relationships there is one closest relationship. Just one marriage relationship (one at a time). That relationship is more than your relationship with your co-workers, more than your relationship with your doctor, more than your relationship with your parents or children. The difference between the one marriage relationship, and all of those other happy, important, joy bringing relationships is ::pause:: sex. Because the marriage relationship includes sex it develops a level of intimacy that isn't available in any other relationship.
When a sex avoidant partner says "Life is about more than sex". They are effectively saying that they refuse to give you the intimacy of marriage. They withhold that intimacy from you. They keep the secret of their body from you. But not only that. They also keep you from finding that intimacy that you crave (as a human) with anyone else, because you can only be married to one person. The end result is that you get no special privilege of marriage, you are just like any other relationship.
Why? There are 3 reasons a partner may deny their married spouse sex. One they have very low desire. This can be caused medically by anti depressants, excess body fat, or low testosterone. any of those can be treated by a doctor. Two, They have a religious belief that precludes sex in marriage, Either they are catholic or they just don't understand their religion. Or three, and this is way more common than you think, they are interested in sex, just not interested in "sex with you".
Now, you should figure out which reason applies in your relationship. You Could go to him and explain how he is cheating you out of the marriage you need, but if you don't know why first it will come to nothing. If you agree that it is medical and you agree to work with a doctor, or a diet and exercise, that is moving together. If you discover an affair then you can work to end that and reconcile. If his reasons are religion or family of origin then counseling can help.
Short summary. Life is about more than sex, but SEX is the defining difference between marriage and any other relationship. It is not reasonable or fair to expect marital fidelity in the absence of a fulfilling sex life. I advise you to investigate possible causes of his dismissal of sex. If he continues to deny you, you have grounds for divorce.
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