A
female
age
41-50,
*ozgata5cali
writes:I recently found out from one of my friends that my husband was cheating on me after they sent me an email with a link to an influencer's post which showed my husband cuddling up to this young woman wearing a crop top and the text:#couplegoals. CHRISTMAS IS COMING. HOLIDAYS ARE COMING, WOO-HOO!!I've found out this influencer is 23, and she's slowly developing a lot of followers, and that she's rich, according to sources in the public domain. She's young and pretty too.I'm 43 years old, my husband's 44, we've been together for 21 years and have two daughters, aged 11 and 16.Once I saw the Instagram links, I confronted my husband over this, and unusually, unlike most people in an affair who'd deny it, he didn't deny it, he admitted he'd met her at a McDonald's and they'd had an affair since August. It took him a whole week to discuss the affair.I think I know why he did this; he was a fan of her anyway and when she admitted she wanted to date him (doesn't often happen with celebs), he just went with the opportunity.But doesn't this sound like making him into that guy, Mr. Midlife Crisis?He's told me that he wants to move our daughters in with him and he won't move in with her until our daughters can be with him, her house is big enough for that.This sounds like a standard "married man affair with other woman" story, doesn't it, right?But while my anecdote/story about my husband is that, the 21-year-age gap between my husband and the other woman is huge isn't it?What's going to be the biggest problems due to the age gap?How could reality kill their affair?Perhaps if him and this other woman were sharing bills, laundry, PTA meetings etc., grocery shopping, shovelling snow off cars, bills, in-laws, dirty socks, dirty underwear etc. it would kill off the romance of their affair in the cold light of day?I really love my husband and think this is a midlife crisis.I feel I've not got many people to talk to about this, don't know anyone who can relate to it due to the situation of someone who's high-profile involved in the affair. I've not got many friends here anyway; I moved from The Bronx to here in California when I was 21 for college and stayed here ever since.I'm gonna have to start getting divorce attorneys, but don't know the first thing on that area of law.I feel very embarrassed and upset about my husband's affair.At times I feel like going back to The Bronx, even though I'm settled here, to get away from this.Am I so wrong to think my husband's affair is going to cause problems for all sides, him (won't friends/co-workers take sides), the other woman (couldn't this ruin her public image when, not if it comes out)? and me, who's suffering with this?We had a good marriage so it seemed and he does THIS?I really don't know how to cope emotionally. I would really like some help from everyone before things get worse.He hasn't moved out yet but if I throw him out it could make me look bad before a divorce case, and where would he go (this other woman's house??).I really don't know how to deal with the whole nine yards of this and am struggling; my best friend, my sister's in The Bronx, and I haven't seen her much due to COVID. If you could help me I'd be very grateful for this.Embarrassing as hell for me to write about this, but need some help.
View related questions:
affair, best friend, christmas, divorce, moved out, text, underwear Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2021): If you really love him, you could ask him first to end the affair and go to couple therapy. There are good online therapy programs related to cheating. But probably he'll need to choose between you and her.
Or you can fight for your marriage even if he wants to stay with her. Maybe he'll find out the grass is not really greener there. A woman I know did the same, and now they are back together. But the guy spent a year away from his family, because she couldn't tolerate him after while. Both of them worked on themselves a lot, and realized the same problems will be in the new relationship, if we don't change ourselves.
I'm praying for your marriage to heal.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2021): I think I remember reading a post along these lines before - but it was from someone - maybe you - saying that a young influencer had made it clear she fancied their (your?) husband and there was a concern that he wouldn't be able to resist..?Well, first of all I support what the respondent Kenny has said: in legal terms, the fault is on his side, so get a solicitor immediately and make sure you protect yourself AND your children by getting the correct legal support.Secondly, I also support a female reader anonymous when she's encouraging you to see your husband for what he is - narcissistic, selfish and lacking in empathy. Right now, he is sooooo buoyed up with narcissistic satisfaction that this younger woman seems besotted with him, that he feels fine about admitting his affair to you; he is so full of himself that he doesn't care at all how it might hurt you, I doubt it's even entered his head. Similarly, he doesn't seem to give one iota about whether his children will be happy without their mother.Thirdly, whether or not you were the person that wrote before about a younger influencer being after her husband, be assured that this kind of woman is very target and attention driven; it's all about driving 'traffic' to herself, to get herself known. She's made a play for your husband, just because she can, almost on a whim. Now she's 'got' him, she will quickly get bored and need to set herself another target. DON'T make the mistake of taking your husband back when this all falls apart. He's a rat bag, and I'm sorry but you really do need to take a look at your self esteem and why it is so low that you believe you should and do love someone who is quite clearly an asshole, whose selfishness knows no limits.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2021): Mid life crisis or not, I think you need some help in seeing your husband for how he appears in the cold light of day, to strangers.
Not only has he had his head turned by this young woman (pretty predictable whatever age they are) but he is planning to take your children with him when he leaves.
What does this say about his feelings for you? You might still love him, but I'm pretty sure he only cares about himself. He doesn't seem to care what your children might want or feel about leaving you and moving in with some stranger. Or how it will affect you. Again, he is only thinking of himself.
Doesn't sound like that great a catch to me.
Try to peel off the rose tinted specs of love and see him from a different perspective. You sound as if you are hoping this affair will blow over and you will get back together. But where would that leave you?
With a man who no longer cares how his behaviour is affecting you, as long as he can get it on with a young attractive woman in a crop top. Wondering when the next female he likes the look of will be subjected to his attention? When he will decide to leave you again and try to take the children with him again?
He will probably only call this to a halt, or she will, when the practicalities that you mention set in. So what? Would that change him into a man who suddenly cares about you? Who suddenly wants to be with you and only you?
Or would he come back with his tail between his legs because his previous set up was convenient. Leaving you a constant nervous wreck about the next bimbo that comes along?
Do yourself a massive favour and make your mind do a massive about turn.
Your husband doesn't deserve your love or your forgiveness. He is behaving appallingly.
I bet he met this woman by design too. Not by chance. Meeting her in MacDonald's by chance? And running off together? Really?
I'm sorry if my response is harsh. I'm just hoping you wake up and smell the coffee, and get the scent of your husband's true nature, his true behaviour and his true feelings towards you. So that you can pull yourself out of this quagmire called 'love' see him for what he is, and so be able to get on with your life. Minus him. Whether they work out or not.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (26 November 2021):
 A classic case of the grass is greener on the other side, which as we know when you get there it never is.
There is a rather large age gap between, and she is also a pretty celebrity who more than likely attracts a lot of male attention. I think that he is punching above his weight here, and i also can't see it lasting either.
Of course the beginning parts are new and exciting, but like you say, when you get over that stage and the boring realities of life set in such as household chores, bills, grocery shopping then it will kill of the romance in their relationship, because quite frankly i don't think this is the life she is looking for right now.
HE is the one admitting to an affair, but he is thinking of taking your daugthers with him, then eventually moving in with her, very presumtuous of him, i wonder if he has even broached this with her.
Again, she is a 23 year old celeb, i don't think at this stage in her life she would want to set up home with a middle aged man and his two daughters.
My advice would be to seek legal advice right away and get the ball rolling with legal proceedings. HE was the one who admittied to having an affair, so i think things could very well swing in your favour.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (26 November 2021):
A classic case of the grass is greener on the other side, which as we know when you get there it never is.
There is a rather large age gap between, and she is also a pretty celebrity who more than likely attracts a lot of male attention. I think that he is punching above his weight here, and i also can't see it lasting either.
Of course the beginning parts are new and exciting, but like you say, when you get over that stage and the boring realities of life set in such as household chores, bills, grocery shopping then it will kill of the romance in their relationship, because quite frankly i don't think this is the life she is looking for right now.
HE is the one admitting to an affair, but he is thinking of taking your daugthers with him, then eventually moving in with her, very presumtuous of him, i wonder if he has even broached this with her.
Again, she is a 23 year old celeb, i don't think at this stage in her life she would want to set up home with a middle aged man and his two daughters.
My advice would be to seek legal advice right away and get the ball rolling with legal proceedings. HE was the one who admittied to having an affair, so i think things could very well swing in your favour.
...............................
|
