A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So. A few months ago me and a younger co worker went out for some friendly drinks. We ended up having a one night stand. We never spoke about it. Then a month or so ago we ended up kissing again. But nothing else. But We havnt spoken about it since. And things between us havnt changed. We are still close friends and get on well at work and out ect. However. I would like it to possibly develop. But how do I bring it up? I'm too scared too. Do I assume that as he has not brought it up then he isn't interested? But then what if he thinks the same and he is waiting for me to bring it up?What is a safe way to approach this and find out? Thankyou
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at work, co-worker, kissing, one night stand Reply to this Question
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male
reader, kenny +, writes (25 November 2021):
 I am not sure of the actual ages here, but i am guessing is is quite a bit younger than you are, so he is probably in his early to mid 20's maybe.
there could be a number of reasons why he has not pursued you, it could be he only saw it as a one night stand and does not see it as anything more than that.
He might be of an age where hooking up with girls and going out and having a laugh with his mates is all he wants right now.
Maybe he is holding back because you both work together and does not want to risk dating someone he works so close to.
Aunts and uncles here on DC can offer all sorts of scenario's and reasons why, but at the end of the day no one really know's. You know him better than we do, you see him every day. Going by the way he is with you at work i think you can get a pretty good idea if someone is in to you or not.
Be careful of dating colleagues because when things are all rosy and good then all is well. But if things never worked out then things can get pretty awkward, not just for the two of you, but for everyone.
You are the mature one here, i would not go chasing him. I would let things settle for a month or two and see if anything transpires naturally.
If nothing happens, i would just leave it at that and move on. Personally i think its all to close to home to be starting something up of a romantic nature.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2021): Maybe he`s not up for the serious sorts
MIND your job
He is just there for the night stands and kisses
NOT`ING MORE!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2021): Dating colleagues is a recipe for disaster. My advice would be to leave things as they are and move on, and don't do it again. If you do want to pursue romance with this guy then prepare yourself for the possibility of rejection and how you will cope at work if that happens.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2021): Okay, now here's a man's point of view; and I really hope there will be other uncles pitching-in on this. Offering different male-perspectives. They don't have to agree with mine.
Men don't always think having sex obligates him to a committed-relationship. Men don't always want things to lead to a romantic-connection, as a result of a friendly-chat, and/or having a few things in-common with a woman. With innocent intentions, he doesn't always have to make the announcement that he may have a wife (he doesn't have to wear a ring), a girlfriend, or someone else in-mind; but can freely enjoy talking and discussing his interests with anybody, male or female. He's by no means committed, or obligated to date every lady he talks to; just for having lively and enjoyable conversation. If consensual-sex happens before a real emotional-connection is made; at best, things may become complicated.
Your error was letting intoxication lower everyone's inhibitions, and to blur your judgement. Doing so, didn't allow a probable romantic-connection to progress naturally; while both of you were sober and clear-headed. Drugs or alcohol shouldn't be used as the means by which we break the ice; if we're attempting to make a meaningful-connection. Getting past what we did when we were drunk is usually awkward. Establishing what sex would mean to you, and what it means to him, wasn't established before you did the deed. It was all left-up to sexual-tension and animal-attraction. You can exchange all that, and have no feelings otherwise. It's all based on the heat of the moment. It was done on impulse. Now comes all the afterthought.
Getting to know people first, while sorting each-other out on a real date; then pursuing a meaningful-romance, usually works a great deal better. Keeping sex on-hold, pending an emotional match-up; allows you get into each-other's heads, before you get into each-other's pants. Now there's that nagging "the-day-after" remorse. "What does he think of me now?"..."Is he avoiding me?"..."Should we ever mention it?"..."Does he really like me the way that I like him?"
You're co-workers. Seeing him everyday reminds you that you gave him something that is intimate and precious. Usually gladly exchanged, and voluntarily reciprocated, when you have feelings for someone. Make sure you aren't just trying to justify the one-night stand; because you feel ashamed, and think he believes you're easy. You're a grown-woman, and he has no right to judge you in a negative-light. To seek a reciprocation of feelings after a one-night stand often disappoints. Remember, the impetus here was having several drinks; and one thing then lead to another.
Friendliness at work is more or less nonbinding. You're in a closed-environment, for at least eight hours in a day; where you're forced to get-along by company policy. Now it has become somewhat of a trap; if it turns-out he has no particular interest in pursuing a romance. It was just two consenting-adults having casual-sex, while intoxicated; and things may have gone a little too far too soon. The red-flag you're missing here is that he has never since suggested you go on a romantic date.
I won't discourage you from pursuing a love-connection, or wanting to date him; because nothing ventured, nothing gained. I offer you these words of caution. Using your job as a dating-pool is usually among the worst of mistakes you can make. You're stuck facing someone who might reject you, use you, or avoid you; once they get what they want.
I hope things go as you hope. Just prepare to return to polite professionalism; if things don't turnout. Be that the case, move on. Keep the personal-drama off the job.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2021): Maybe he thinks it was interoperate on his part because of the drinks. You work for the same company. I found with guys I had a history with, but sorta lost interest, but I didn't -- offer a BJ. I'm 2 for 2. The 2nd was is my husband and the first still winks at me in meetings. Company with benefits.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 November 2021):
 I think if he was looking for a relationship he would AT LEAST have asked you out.
My guess is that when the Christmas parties start happening he might go for another roll in the hay.
How much younger is he?
How well do you know him (aside from sexually)?
If he is in his low/mid 20's you might have been a "check" on a list - (having sex with an "older" woman.) Also if he is THAT young he might not be mature enough for the kind of relationship YOU are looking for.
I also have to ask this, IF you can have sex with someone WHY can't you talk to him?
Ask him out for coffee, try and gauge his interest in getting to KNOW you not "know you carnally". If he isn't willing to go for coffee, do you think he is looking to date you?
My last piece of advice is this. I think dating in the workplace, having flings with coworkers is a BIG no-no. You are there to work, not looking for a partner or bedfellow. Be professional.
The old adage "don't shit where you eat" makes absolute sense here. (crude, I know - still makes perfect sense).
There is so much potential drama that can come from this, including hurt feelings and sexual harassment charges or claims.) You being the older of the two, might have to be the "wiser" and more professional.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2021): You are work colleagues, no more. Don't kid yourself you are close friends. Close friends would know each other better and communicate better. He would very much like to repeat the sex, but he hesitates in case you do not want to. And he wants it to be work and sex only, he hesitates because he does not want you to think he is your boyfriend, or get all serious or clingy etc, he would love it if he could do that whenever he fancies it, and no more, if he was really keen on you as a person he would have asked you out on a proper date and dated you, not just work and sex. Wake up.
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