A
female
age
41-50,
*osabud
writes:I have been married for 14 yrs. We have 3 children 16,12, and 10. We have and presently have a wonderful friendship, sex life, and he is a wonderful father. He has just told me he had an affair with a lady at work with whom he told he was divorced. This affair lasted 3 years and now a baby is expected in July. I told him to go to her and work it out with her. He has been home none stop with me and the kids, he left 3 nights in 4 months. I am confused he says he is confused. he loves me and family and wants our marriage to work but he still works with her and talks to her on a phone she got for him 3 years ago. I respect his dicision to be a father and part of babys life but what about the woman. How do you live with family and still carry on conversation with her. He has me very confused because he has only seen her 3 times in 4 months this I know for a fact so please if anybody has advise let me have it. He is remorsefull and doesnt understand why he has done this because he loves me deeply and sex is unique and great with me. I wonder if he is not just talking to her for the baby being that he has no rights at this time and wants to be at ultra sound apt and delivery room. If anyone has dealt with this please post
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2008): Sandman,THANK YOU!! I never really thought about how the child would be affected as I am going through the very same thing now and dont know what to do.I told him that I will not accept the child,the child is not welcome to my home.I know that it is wrong,but I cant look in a child face knowing the history behind it.Its a repeat reminder that mt babies would of been the same age. I kicked him out for 5wks and he called me begging and pleading for me to forgve him everyday-all day and I did.The child was born 4wks ago and he called me and told me he had just left the hospital seeing the baby.He lied and told me he didnt have a pic but I found several in his phone.He told me that he now wants to be apart of the child life and has made it very clear to the other woman that he dont want anything to do with her.
It has hurt me deeply because we have been trying to have a baby after 2 miscarriages for over 2yrs.He has cheated twice w/in the recovery period of my miscarriages and now has 2 kids with 2 different women in our 7yr relationship.Im 32 and desperately want a baby of my own but dont want to start a new relationship and maybe miss out on my chance for motherhood.
The way I feel is that its not about him,its all about me right now.I just found out Valentines Day,that he was cheating after suspecting it for over a year but didnt have any proof until I found a email from the other woman telling him to be a man and take care of his child.
Ive also found msgs and pictures of 3 other women of their vaginas and sexual advances on his email.He denied it then later told the truth.We are in counseling but hes still lying.
Ive found 3 emails recently from his ex-wife(they have 1 child-10yrs old) of her vagina with mgs dirty mgs attached.This makes the 6th woman & he swears he hates her and doesnt know Ive seen the msgs.I checked his cell phone and foung out that they have been talking to each other at least 4-5 times a day some times.He comes home everyday and everynight like nothing happen and cries like a baby in therapy.After being deeply committed to this man after 4 rough yrs of a shaky relationship,I dont want to be with him b/c he is a liar and a cheater,but I desperately want a baby of my own,Ive secretly thought to stay until I get pregnant then I done with his no good ass but thats not me.I hate to hurt and disappoint people. So,I dont know what to do.
A
female
reader, rosabud +, writes (11 February 2008):
rosabud is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for all the advice, this is one of the hardest things that I have ever been through. At the present time he is out of our home. He stayed with his uncle. As far as the baby is concerned I love it, the baby is inncent in all of this and I could raise it as my own if that was the choice I decided to make, that is just the type of person I am. I appreciate all the advice given and I suppose I will begin the process of deciding what I want to do with this situation instead of waiting around for him to decide. Me and kids are strong and doing fine but there are so many mixed emotions involved with this it is very similar to death where you have such a wide range of anger, depression, self blame, sadness, loss , grief, happiness, and recovery.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008): He told you about her, and maybe I am wrong and not understanding but you say after he told you but 3 nights after an affair, with the woman is not a good thing I mean WHY!!! I am just trying to heal too after an affair my husband was in now if he got this skank pregnant, I would be gone, if I knew he went to spend more NIGHTS WITH THE SKANK OMG!!! I WOULD ONLY NEED THAT TO SAY, CIAO FOREVER, honestly my 17 year old would be upset if I didnt leave him
Good Luck
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A
female
reader, LIERIN +, writes (7 February 2008):
 RUN!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (7 February 2008):
 I agree with all the posters who say he just told you about the affair because a child had been born. He made things easier for himself only. And he might end up having the best of both worlds, too. I'm in full agreement with what the ladies have said. He did it all wrong and wants to get away with it.
But, Sandman made an extremely important point. All the other posters, and me, have seen this issue from the wife's perspective. Sandman is giving us the point of view of the baby. Of course a baby wants to have a father. And it wouldn't be right if your husband just forgot about this innocent child.
Your decision has to be whether you will stay with your husband, knowing that he might continue to cheat forever and may keep this other woman as his mistress, or to leave him. Staying with him can be very stressful, as you will have to share him, whether he has the woman as a mistress or not. This can be a hell of stress; I have seen it happen. Or, you can choose the stress of leaving him. It's unfair that you have to make a decision to react to his failure, and I wish I could say otherwise, but that's how it is. In any case, you will need to accept that this baby will receive support from your husband, and that the baby is a sibling to your own children.
It's also important that your children understand that the baby is never to blame. He didn't ask to be brought into the world. He's not bad. You need to learn to handle the situation in the way that's best for everyone. And you need to be ready if the other woman doesn't play fair.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2008): The only reason you know about the affair is because of the pregnancy - so lets just think about that for a minute. How much longer would this have gone on for if she hadn't? Another 3 years? Oh come on lovey you know he is totally screwed up and however much you love him you are not yet over the shock which is why you are in denial. Once you are in the next phase you will want rid because the trust will never ever return. Plus - you mention you have a great sex life? I hope he's been using a condom or do you actually like sharing his body? Sorry to be so cold but I simply cannot understand why you do not go round to this woman with his suitcase and leave it there. How can he possibly think you can carry on where you left off. You will feel very different in the summer when the baby arrives and his mistress needs all his help day and night - there will be a tug of love. Show some respect to your children and please consider their pain because having a half brother or sister under these sordid circumstances is extremely upsetting and will affect them for years to come. Do not underestimate how this situation will evolve over time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2008): I think your making excuses up for him. He had an affair for 3 years..and is still carrying on with the affair and there is no possible way that you would know if he has or hasn't.I think you need to move on, sure some people forgive but he may look like he's sorry but on the inside he is probably very happy how he got you wrapped round his little finger, and still has the mistress.
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A
female
reader, ebi510 +, writes (7 February 2008):
 I agree with that. He is getting the best of both worlds. What he did was create an innocent life that now has to life in this turmoil your husband created. What is needed here is some sanity. If he is serious about you and your family he needs to cut off his relationship with this woman. After she has the baby, there needs to be a DNA test to make sure he IS the Father. And then, and only then should he file, legally for some type of visitation. A relationship with the mother, Dr. Visits all that crap, is only for couples who are together and are planning a family. YOu need to make this very clear to him that this is a decision he needs to make and once it is made, it is done. And you need to move on from there.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2008): I don't understand why you are confused that he has only seen her 3 times in 4 months. Who knows what he's telling her? And he's been living with his family and carrying on conversations with her for 3 years, so why should that stop now, when she needs him the most? If you want to stay with your husband, you're looking at sharing him with the other woman and his other family for the rest of your lives together. He'll have a monetary obligation to her, at the very least, but it sounds like he wants more.
Before this woman got pregnant, he didn't have any reason to tell you or to end it with her. It sounds like the only reason he revealed this affair to you was because this is stressful for him, and it would be easier for him to carry on as this baby's father (going to doctor's appointments, the birth, etc), if you knew about it, and he didn't have to add hiding it from you to his list of responsibilities. All he's really done is made things easier on himself. Not only does he not have to worry about covering his tracks, but now he can talk about the situation with you, and you can help him. I'm sure he loves you and your family very much, but he's about to start a family with this other woman, whom he also probably loves. There's no reason to think that he would leave her now.
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A
male
reader, Sandman +, writes (7 February 2008):
 My father had an affair with my mother. I was born without the knowledge of my stepmother. My father carried on with this relationship for 10 years until I made a phone call to my dad to ask why he didn't pick me up to take me to the park.
My stepmother (of course) was shocked! How could he have done such a thing to her? How could he be with another woman? How could he father a child and not tell her?
But she managed to forgive his transgressions and move on. (My stepmother is a woman of extreme faith). She would tell me later that while she was angry at him for this, while she went through some very hard times trying to figure out what to do - once she decided to forgive him, the rest was easy she said. Now my step mother and I have the greatest relationship. As I could imagine it being hard, I remember my stepmother coming over to my house to talk to my mother about me. About school and other things I was involved in. They (my stepmother and my mother) had a 'working' relationship with each other. I'm not gonna say that they liked each other or hung out or anything like that because they didn't. But they did get things done and make decisions when it came to me and my well being. And that's what they had to do.
Now, my stepmother didn't HAVE to do anything - she chose to. She chose to be an integral part of my life and I love her for it. I don't know where I would be without her wisdom and courage to push me harder to excel and set higher standards for myself.
You are gonna have to choose whether or not YOU want to be a part of this child's life. You didn't birth it, you didn't make it, but in some skewed way you will be a part of this child's life - solely because you're husband will be a part. It's how you handle it that will make all the difference in the world.
Your husband screwed up. Yep. What will you do now? That's something that you will need to pray about and conclude on your own. I love my stepmom to death. Why? Because she loved me to death.
The other woman? Right now she's not the issue. The major issues right now is that baby and your husband. And you've got some thinking to do. Are you gonna stay with him? If so, stand by your man - and stand firmly. Do not waver or falter. Continue to love on your husband with all your heart. Because while that baby is being born, there is a marriage that needs to be mended. And if you think it's worth mending, then give it all you've got!!!
Hope this helps.
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