A
female
age
41-50,
*etika
writes:well i'm here to tell you my situation, my husband is going out again , you see we been married for 9 years and we have 2 kids together a girl thats 6 and a boy thats 2 and he wasn't working for 3 years i was the one working all the time he would babysitt our kids and take our daughter to school until berly 6 weeks ago he started to work and now his going out with his co-workers , he was doing fine when he wasn't working meaning that he would stay home and drink his beers here at home, and that was fine cause before when we didn't have kids he would go out and not come home until the next day , it was the worst so he changed alot but now that i'm changing and going to church every sunday he does this to me, i don't know what to do, i'm fed up, not again. help?
View related questions:
co-worker Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (12 December 2010):
 You also say nothing about intimacy, that's a whole chapter to address. This can take many forms, including emotional and sexual. Of course, intimacy can't thrive in a cooled context where you've garnered resentment for one another. Google "intimacy and relationships".
A good example is:
http://www.taftcollege.edu/newtc/studentservices/
health/intimacy.htm
A
female
reader, bitterblue +, writes (12 December 2010):
I hope he drinks those beers with measure, it would be regretful to exhibit an otherwise behaviour to the kids. I will suppose he is not an inveterate drinker, as this would complicate things too much.I see that you almost wish that he didn't work ("he was doing fine when he wasn't working"), but that would mean less family income and possibly a man who 'feels' unfit. When you arrive to this point of preferring the smaller evil, something is fundamentally flawed and needs to be reformed. When you tell him to come home earlier, which I'm sure you have, he does not hear you. So he does not respect you. How do you show him respect so he can learn to mirror the behaviour? To change something that has become our second nature IS difficult. When home is not fun or not seen as such, some use an escapade. You can show him better, let him realise why it's worth staying, make plans in advance, appreciate his help in tutoring the kids, make him feel indispensable. You think problems started when he started work? They may have become more obvious then, that's all.In your case, because a lot is at stake, 2 kids and a marriage, if I were you, I would want to make sure I do my best before giving up. I'm going to write some questions for you, maybe take the time to think the answers through and build a strategy out of them:How do you talk to him about his habits that displease you? Are you calm and flexible, without being weak?How do you try to get him to spend time with family? Maybe he thinks there's nothing you can't do alone with the kids, so how do you outline his role and include him in your anticipated plans in a way that makes him feel important? How do you prepare a meaningful conversation? How often do you talk - apart from "turn off the lights" and "please take the garbage out"?How do you maintain the relationship new after 9 years?How do you compromise?What discontents do you have about each other? We understand yours, but what would he say? What do you do to avoid conflicts?How did you both change since marriage? How do you have fun together? Yes, before marriage often things seem so easy and that felicity and good nature so easy to maintain and nurture, but before you know it you're far gone in years and problems that weight you down. You become estranged along the way. Of course, recovering part of that may be too much to ask, since it's rarely that couples manage to preserve certain aspects of the relationship intact years later, but where is the affection, understanding, compromise? Build a strategy to welcome harmony and cleverness in your house and go from there. Best wishes.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 December 2010):
 Ok well first of you need to come to some agreements here. At the end of the day he is entitled to go out with friends just as much as you are, but there needs to be boundries made. Explain to him that you dont want him staying out all night as this is not fair on you and your children. Meet him half way, dont give him any hassle for going out with his work mates and enjoying a few drinks but ask him what time he will be back at and not to stay away over night. Goodluck.
...............................
|
