A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 31 years old and have been married now for almost seven years. I love my husband dearly and believe myself to be very dedicated to him, our children and hour home. Nevertheless my husband is extremely critical of most of my actions and I constantly feel inadequate, inefficient, careless and do not possess a high IQ. He can be loving at times but his periods of "molding me to perfect wife" is erasing those tender moments.I believe although I love my husband... I resent what is happening to me so much. I have tried to voice this out but my words were promptly disregarded and thrown aside...I don't really know what to do as our local community and society frowns on divorce.
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female
reader, Kalani  +, writes (5 August 2008):
I feel for you because I am in a same "husband" situation as you, but I have other issues to deal with. I, too. have 2 beautiful children, ages 12 and 15, and I have considered leaving my husband for lying, cheating, disrespecting me by putting me down in front of my boys. Other people think he is just perfect, but only the wife knows who he really is. Maybe because I haven't blown his cover, he acts the way he is.
We have just celebrated 18 years of marriage, and I was actually considering divorce after finding out the phone calls he has been making. However, after cooling down a bit, I decided to live with him with adjustments. I find him full of surprises, wonderful as a father, good friend to talk to, and a great sex partner. I don't want to lose that. He has changed over the years for the better, but he is still controlling, and has to feel superior over me. I think he is very insecure and has to mature more in years to come. (He is already 49 years old.)
As for you, you have to find something you feel proud and good in. This is what do: Go to a spa, have lunch with girlfriends more often, go to movies, go to gym or a dance class, ride bicycles or rollerblades, make jewlery, take scrapbooking classes, take baths, or simply get away from my husband when he is in a mood to criticize me. Just walk away. If you don't recognize yourself as a person that you truely are, then you have to do it for youself. My sister talked me into getting a personal trainer, and I love it! I feel and look great! If my husband don't recognize it, then so be it! I'm doing for for myself! No one is going to take care of yourself, but you.
For a very long time, I didn't love myself, I thought I am who my husband thinks of me as. That is not true! I'm still having a hard time in our relationship, but I'm working on it. If not for myself, I am doing it for my children. Good luck to you, my SISTER in pain. I hope to hear from you.
LOVE, KALANI
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2008): you're husband sounds just like mine .my husband is a good person and I love and want to please him but I've tried and after five years of marriage I've found that I can't keep up the pace .I kept this big house spotless,(he's a clean freak)every corner of it perfect,cooked dinner every night ,and I worked so I could buy all the groceries and clothes ( like he wanted)for us and my two kids.this is my second marriage so I've really tried hard to make this work as I would feel humiliated to be divorced again.nothing seems to please him and he doesnt appreciate me.weekends,when were both home from work,are. Awful.he criticizes everything I do,unless I invite people over for a nice dinner with us or I arrange for us to get out of the house and do something fun for the day,then I enjoy my time with him and he relaxes more.as far as 'killing myself'to do every thing he wants me too,I couldn't do it anymore! I get terrible 'headaches'a lot now to get out of a lot of housecleaning .he was mad ,at first ,about the house being messy and threatened to leave me,but now he's over it and used to the new me.why exaust yourself to please him when he will never be satisfied?maybe learn a new hobby to through yourself into,that u can be proud of.like sewing awesome outfits ,making jewelry,painting,or cooking new recipes.then when other people begin to praise you for your skills you won't care so much anymore what he thinks of you.and remember,he probably doesnt really want the embarasment of a divorce either?that could also taint his reputation?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to truely thank you for caring enough to reply to my posts. I find it is not easy to express the way I am feeling because my case is not simply black or white. My husban is not always so tyrannical, nor is he always overbearing and demanding. We have good days that turn to passeable weeks.. there are stressful days and then there are those day were nothing I do is smart or correct or acceptable.
I love my husband and seriously believe if only his attitude eases up just a little we would have an amazing marriage and life together.
Again I truely want to thank you for all your kind and gracious advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): Hi Hun,It is really hard for me to put myself in your shoes apart of course the way you are being treated, Your culture is so very different from ours, If someone told me to be meek and obedient I wouldnt be to happy love, Thats the huge difference.Sometimes just having someone to talk to helps build your confidence, You shouldnt feel guilty or selfish money and power dont bring happiness in all aspects of life, People may envy you but would they so much if they new the real life you have to live, Money cant make you happy you can have all the most beautiful things in the world to look at or wear but if the love understanding and trust is missing thats not happiness its material, some people wonder why they are not happy when they have so much wealth, But love is the real wealth of life, So no one should judge another person as you just dont know whats going on behind closed doors.I hope you feel a little better for talking hun TAKE CARE LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Mandy for writing back. I guess what I need most is to be able to voice these "dark thoughts". I am a highly educated medical professional, I have two beautiful children and a very successful husband. I am envied for my life (and which my husband reminds of).. and this makes me feel guilty, ungrateful and selfish for being so unhappy with my life.Where I live I do not know of any professional people who can counsel me. My parents and his family adore my husband and can see him do no wrong.. I am told to be meek and obedient..This is the first time I voice out and I am scared.but thank you again Mandy for caring.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): Hi Love,
You sound so unhappy and you try talking but you just get put to one side, Is this normal behaviour were you come from? Is this not frowned upon to, to be treated badly and have no confidence in yourself.
What is the perfect wife I often think I would have failed misserably, Being perfect by someone elses standards is a very difficult thing to achieve, You sound like a very good wife and mother.
Hunny I was put down for 7yrs by my husband and Ive come along way since then but there are still some things that remind me it takes me back to when it was happening and Its not a nice place to be, Can you not do something for yourself that will help you confidence as your husband is knocking it so you need to get it back, I dont no what its like for you were you live, Is there any counselling to help you? It would be so much better if he would listen to your pain, I no you said divorce is frowned upon, You must have thought about it to mention it, If you were in a country that I new of then I would advise you to seek help from a doctor and get some counselling to get you stronger, Plus if your husband really is not listening and he has no intention of ever listening and just putting you more and more down then I feel leaving for your own health would be my advise to, I dont feel this marriage is doing you any good, If only he would listen to you and understand what his words are doing hun if you need a chat then message me, Id love to help more Im just not sure how it works were you live PLEASE TAKE CARE LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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