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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Hi guys I feel really terrible about lying to my husband about a recent job interview I had. Two weeks ago I applied for a job (he knew I had been looking) and got called for the interview and thankfully got it. However I didn't tell my husband about it as I hadn't been for an interview in a long time and didn't want to jinx it or want him to think I was a failure if I didn't get it. This morning by accident he opened my offer letter and was extremely disappointed in me because I hadn't shared this happiness with him. I'm extremely disappointed in myself and upset because I hurt him. He said he's so hurt atm and will find it hard to trust me again. I don't know what to do apart from apologise... I explained to him the reason I kept it from him but he's so upset. How can I take the disappointment away from him Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2018): I don't understand why you didn't tell your husband when you got the job? Was he in the dark for around 2 weeks til he found the offer letter? Do you keep other secrets from him? Are you emotionally distant from each other? What is it you aren't telling us? I suspect there are other issues in your marriage.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2018): Sorry ladies, if the tables were turned, you'd be ganging up on the husband asking what else he's up to. If someone can lie about something this small, where's the limit?
A lot of talk from women about relationships focuses on how us men should be more open, that a relationship is one unit, a team and so on. Yet when the lady does something like this, it's all 'what? it's nothing!' He's been taught to think there is no need to secrets like this from you: that's why it's bad you kept the secret from him.
That's not to say you did something wrong. Though I do wonder why you didn't tell him that you'd been to the interview immediately after.
He will get over it, he'll learn to understand that you were trying not to jonx it. But this very small breach of the trust you have created between yourselves is now delicate. Don't walk around like you're on eggshells, but don't go jumping on them either.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (6 April 2018):
 Here is my take on things:
I get not telling him because I often do the same thing also out of not wanting to jinx it, so to speak. So trust me, I get it.
However, when I do get some good news, I'm definitely quick to share my news which I think is why he must've been so disappointed; because he found the letter before you could tell him. The best thing to do is to have a conversation about this and dig deeper as to why he is so offended by your actions. Mainly because from where I stand; there is no malicious intent here. You simply wanted to be sure before telling him, which I get. Just, maybe don't wait so long next time? Obviously he has trust issues and complete transparency is important to him, which is something that the two of you will have to work on. I would definitely encourage you to dig deeper to find why he is so easily offended and disappointed. Maybe it's something in his past? I can't say but you should probably dig deeper.
Also, you definitely can't take the disappointment away, all you can do is provide insight as to why it was done. If he cannot empathize or in the very least; sympathize then the two of you have bigger issues than you realise.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2018): Guess Im going to be the one husband sympathizer. I would feel VERY strange if my partner did not tell me about a job interview. YES it is nerve wracking for everyone and brings up insecurities- but isnt that what we want to share with our partners? The exciting and scary events? Confiding about life's trivialities that make us worried, excited and scared is what makes our partner different from a stranger. Personally, I would wonder why my partner had emotionally distanced himself to that extent to go through a life event without confiding in me...I would question what else he hadnt told me and why i was being treated like a stranger. I would imagine this ks what your hibby is going through. He will need time to truat you again. Ho estly i would be just as upset as he is.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2018): He'll get over it. Explain it as you've explained it to us; and then don't address this issue again. Ride-out his little hissy-fit. What a drama queen!
I find something odd about the behavior, and it doesn't add-up. He should be happy, not punishing you for not bringing it up. You're a grown-woman, and have every right to offer your news when you're good and ready.
The timing and overreaction is suspect. Maybe there's something he's preparing you for, and thinks guilt from this episode of nonsense will shave-off a little tension.
Congratulations on your new job!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2018): You can’t take the disappointment away from him because he’s CHOOSING to let it get to him.
I’m agreeing with the others. He’s being melodramatic. It’s not like you weren’t ever going to tell him if you got the job. It’s understandable why you kept it secret. You had good reasons for not sharing it. I get worried myself when I tell people things that I’m hopeful for and then it doesn’t happen.
Is he generally emotionally manipulative? If so, then the bottom line is that he is going to be like this about it and maybe about other things down the line. But don’t get sucked into the unnecessary melodrama. Just simply tell him why you did it. Then listen to him explain why he feels the way he does so he can feel heard (maybe he fears you will leave him if you get something great, who knows!) Tell him you feel sorry he feels the way he does. And then most importantly move on! If he continues to act like a wounded victim, please ignore him. The more you cater to his “wounds” the more he will lick them and play it up (at best he is doing this subconsciously).
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (5 April 2018):
This is very bizarre. You apologized and explained the reasons for not telling him. His reaction seems out of proportion to the issue. Actually it is very out of proportion. It borders on emotionally abusive and controlling.
You had no malicious intent and your actions in no way harmed him. For him to overreact this way is very troubling.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2018): It's male ego dear.you really can't do anything about it or you can't change it anyway.so it's better to focus on your new job rather than thinking of such kind of staff which will definitely stop you to focus on your career.you can do one thing when you will get your salary you can arrange a romantic candle light dinner or anything to make him feel happy
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2018): I have two grown up daughters and naturally they are more close to their mother than me. Most of the time I don't know what goes on between them and they hardly share any of their private life with me. Your husband is better to accept that such things happen and get used to it and accept your explanation.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (4 April 2018):
 Seriously? Does he make such a big deal about everything?
You have explained and apologized. Enough now. If he chooses to continue making a big deal out of this and being upset, that is HIS choice. Tell him YOU are disappointed in HIM for spoiling what should be a happy time for you because he thinks it should all be about HIM.
And did he really "accidentally" open your letter? Or was he snooping and checking up on you?
Sorry, but your husband needs to grow up and realize not everything in life is about HIM. And YOU need to stand up to him and not let him guilt trip you because of something you did with the best intentions.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (4 April 2018):
 Melodramatic.This is small potatoes so don't make it bigger than it should be by indulging him. He'll get over it and you can encourage him by your example. No more apologies and quit the self flagellation.
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A
male
reader, TylerSage +, writes (4 April 2018):
 I don't get why he would say he can't trust you again, that sounds a bit over-the-top for something as simple as a job interview. If anything he sounds a bit whiny. I just hope he isn't the manipulative type who's intentionally trying to make you feel guilty so he can use this against you in the future, knowing that you feel like complete crap about how everything played out, you weren't purposely trying to hurt him and you explained that to him the day he saw the letter....to the point when you're apologizing and feeling so disappointed in yourself you're reaching out to others for help.....sounds a bit much.....sounds a bit fishy.Husband or no husband you're the best one to determine that he's not a snake. To me, it seems like the mishap somehow struck a nerve with him, maybe something from the past or something recent. Is your husband usually over dramatic like this? As his wife, can you see that he's being a bit over the top about the whole situation? Sure, being a little upset is fine but to say he will find it hard to trust you again....woah dude.The most I can recommend here is that you share this with a girlfriend or two, people who know him, and get there feed back about how he's acting.My verdict is, he's being suspicious, he's bipolar or he's just a drama king. Again you would have to determine which one of these best suits him. You didn't really do anything wrong and you even apologized. What more does he want from you? Now, in a moment when you should be rejoicing he's just raining on the parade.All the best.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 April 2018):
 You can't "take" away his disappointment.
You didn't "hide" it out of malicious intent, you did it because you didn't want to disappoint HIM. However, IF you got the job why didn't you share that RIGHT away?
As for him losing trust in you over this, I think he is being over-dramatic.
You simply didn't tell him because you knew it wasn't a sure thing.
Let him pout over it for a while and hopefully get over it. If not... well, that Is on him.
I do think it's GREAT to share thing s like that with your spouse, but at times we ALL want to wait until we can bring GOOD news and not WORRY the partner.
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