A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband deletes texts and calls from his ex wife, even after we've had discussions about doing this, and he said he wouldn't do it anymore. Also, I've seen texts where she sends him x's and o's. At one point I even texted her myself to ask her to stop, and she continues to do it. Having told my husband this, he asked ME to just stop already. I feel I have valid reasons for asking for these type of texts to stop. I've told him I don't mind he stays in contact with her because they have (older) children together, but the x's and o's need to stop. Now I see he's deleting texts from her...again. I'm not sure how to approach this without having a knock down drag out fight again, and its eating me up inside.
View related questions:
ex-wife, his ex, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 January 2015):
 Call his ex-wife and challenge her to an "eye-scratching-out" contest....... The winner gets to keep this cad....
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (7 January 2015):
 Hmmm...
Is he deleting them because there is something to hide, or because he knows if you see how his wife writes, you'll freak out and assume that there's something going on?
Do you already suspect that there is still something going on?
My husband has this co-worker who signs everything with x's and o's. At first, I was annoyed. But then I thought about his replies - all very professional, polite, and thought that maybe she's just the kind of person who sends that stuff - and rather than looking at HER behavior, I should be focused on HIS.
If HE is acting shady, and you don't trust him, then maybe you need to take a good, long look at your relationship. You can't control his ex, she'll send whatever she wants - and my guess is, she likes rousing you, and you can't control your husband - but you can communicate with him and make a decision as to whether you trust him or you don't.
Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (7 January 2015):
I would be more interested in what he was sending to her, and what else might be happening behind your back. Why are they communicating in the first place anyway? If they have kids together, Im assuming the kids are old enough to have their own phones so your husband can contact them directly. You are right to be upset, they are disrespecting you and your husband is clearly getting some kind of ego boost out of knowing you are upset
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 January 2015):
 Ergh! Some ex-wives should just take a one way trip to Mars.
She is ENJOYING this. She likes that she is getting your husband in "trouble" with you. IGNORE the X & O. It's a game, no more. YOU can not control what she types to your husband and quite frankly X&O's means nothing. HE is deleting them to avoid drama with you over X& O's. And I don't blame him.
Has anything inappropriate been going on in texts back and forth? Is there a reason you don't trust your husband?
My husband occasionally texts with his ex wife (adult kids as well), I can't say I check them. I trust that they are both grown up and know how to behave. He shows me texts from her usually when she is demanding money for all kind of shit (which is less common now the kids are bigger). He texts with the kids directly, so the NEED for them to text is kind of minimum.
I think there is more to this story then X & O's.
However since this IS upsetting you, I'd find a way to talk to him about it in a non-confrontational way. You two ARE married and SHOULD be able to talk about things without drama. And honestly, LEAVE her out of this. I would NOT go text her to stop. That is like pouring gasoline on the fire.
...............................
A
male
reader, fzald +, writes (7 January 2015):
There is such a fine, fine, fine line between trust and privacy. Trusting someone means believing that they are doing right by you, and thus you don't feel a reason to have to invade their privacy, because you believe in your heart that you wouldn't find anything bad anyway. Trust, however, is earned, not a given, and it can be very easily broken.On the other hand, trust can be bolstered by the right amount of self-disclosure. Being *too* secretive, even if you do have nothing to hide, does give off a stench of distrustfulness. The old adage somewhat applies here: "if you are doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide." This does not mean that a person should have full access to another person's personal effects, but it does mean that you should be able to openly, calmly and maturely discuss any concerns you *do* have. Just because you fully trust someone also does not mean you never ask them questions. The way I see it is if a person is trustworthy, knows they have your trust, and also has nothing to hide, they will not hide from you if you have a genuine concern. Let's suppose I was getting texts from a girl and my girlfriend told me she was worried about it. I would actually expect that if I took the high-handed privacy approach and said "They're MY texts, MY right, MY space, the fact that you're asking me PROVES YOU DON'T TRUST ME..." that she'd actually develop some mistrust. On the other hand, if I explained who the girl was, shared a joke or two that she sent, and even maybe introduced them, at that point I'd feel she could still trust me because I did not give her the impression that I have anything to hide. And therein lies the problem for you. While it's certainly true that some people are privacy advocates and believe that NOBODY should ever look at their personal data, there is also the fact that you've expressed your concerns to him and he doesn't seem to care. Even if you have trust in him, he is exhibiting distrustful behavior by deliberately hiding from you when you've expressed a concern.On the other hand, it sounds like you've been a little hot-headed about the situation. It sounds like you've all but "demanded" that he stop texting her and/or show you every text, and that you even went to her directly (which was not a good move, sorry). So he might just be flexing his masculinity and thinking "no woman is going to tell ME who I can talk to!" This doesn't even mean he likes his ex that way at all, it just means that we men do not usually like our "king of the castle" mentality directly challenged. So, here's what you have to do. Sit down with him and have a talk. Make sure that you once again express your concerns, but do it *nicely*. Be very open to listening to his feelings, and make this known to him. Tell him up front that you want to have an open, honest conversation where no judgements will be made of each other - on both his side and yours. Now, tell him why this bothers you. Don't use cliches or "I have the right" statements - instead, tell him exactly why this bothers you. Explain to him, for example, that *for you*, "X's and O's" are just like kisses and hugs and that it makes you feel bad. He might disagree, but he should at least be able to acknowledge your feelings. It might seem "obvious" but it's not always - I know people who have remained platonically friendly with their exes and still manage a strong trustful relationship. Even if it pains you to admit something (like "I'm jealous" or "I think you're going to go back to her"), do so, and tell him in a heartfelt way that this is difficult for you but you feel he has the right to know how you feel and why. Hopefully, this will get him to open up his walls a bit and actually discuss the situation with you. If the main thing bothering you is the x's and o's, he might agree, say, to never send them back to her. He of course can't tell her what to say or not to say. He might maybe agree to let you in on what he talks about with her, even if it's not reading the actual texts. Or, he might stay firmly closed, private and on the offense. If he can't see any reason in your words after you've expressed yourself in a non-threatening, non-condescending and honest way, then yes, it's possible he is doing something he doesn't want you to see, and you have reason to be worried. At that point, you will have a decision to make - give him an ultimatum, or maybe just walk away, or stay and learn to put up with it.For your sake, I hope that he's just platonically close with her, and that he's only feeling threatened by the way you've handled it so far and that you can recover from this. Best of luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (7 January 2015):
 I think the X's and O's are somewhat insignificant. Just symbols that commonly used and not always a whole hearts worth of meaning. His ex-wife may have really enjoyed your asking her to stop, unfortunately. She may very well be mocking you, which means she has confidence. If this were me, I just don't think I could trust my husband. Clearly he's hiding something. And he finds your knowing he's hiding something and asking questions, better than you actually knowing what was said. How can trust be restored here? Do foresee happiness in the marriage? The two of them are being awfully disrespectful to you. I think you deserve better. And I don't think he deserves your thoughtfulness of contemplating a reasonable and polite way to bring this up. You should say it however you please and he has to deal with it because he is the one breaking your trust. I am very sorry. :[
...............................
|
