A
female
age
36-40,
*en5
writes:I have been with my husband for 9 years, married for almost 5. I'm so tired of our relationship as it seems things are never changing or they will get better for a little bit and go right back to the way they were.My husband grew up in a family where he saw his dad constantly belittle his mom and verbally abuse her, they broke up and would get back together. His parents did not show him a lot of affection.My problems with my husband are that he is constantly making jabs at me. He will call me fat (I'm 5ft 5in and 120 pounds). When going out I will come downstairs ready to go and he will make rude comments like "you're wearing that?" When I am loading the dishwasher, cooking or cleaning he "supervises" me, he stands over my shoulder telling me I'm loading th dishwasher wrong or I'm cooking something wrong or I didnt clean something properly. It makes me feel stupid and incompetent. I will tell him that something he did made me feel stupid or hurt my feelings and his reply is always "no it didn't" and then brushes it off. Then when I get more upset he tells me I'm fucked up or crazy.I feel like sex is the only thing I have control over so I don't have sex with him often because I am hurt by things he says or does and then when he tries to have sex and I say no you hurt my feelings he gets mad and makes statements like you just lay there anyways, which hurts me and makes me not want to have sex with him at all.I need some advice, it's getting to the point where I am going to leave if things don't change.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (4 February 2013):
 Arggghhhh what a power struggle you two have.
He is the way he is because that's what he saw growing up and over the years you have accepted it.
You are angry and withhold sex as a form of punishment.
I think that marriage counseling may help save this marriage but you both have to want to save it... and both have to make changes.
if my husband told me how to do something I was doing, I would stop and I would say 'tell you what, since i'm so bad at it, YOU do it" then walk away.
and let him do it.
if he doesn't do it, then tough when he says where's dinner the response is "I did not have clean pots and pans because you did not load and run the dishwasher. I cannot cook without clean pots and pans and utensils. IF you want me to cook, you have two choices
a. you STOP telling me how to do my job (load the dishwasher) OR
b. YOU do it.
PICK ONE.
he will blow up... trust me.
he will call you names.
you tell him... NOT acceptable behavior.
I will tell you right now if you have children with this man by staying with him, you are teaching them how to behave in a marriage... what they see you accept is what becomes acceptable.
I was raised by screamers. I scream. My husband was raised by screamers... he screams too... it gets fun at our house but it's acceptable to us as we both lived that way and we are ok with it...
as for your weight... gawd if I weighed 120 I'd be skeletal... you can't be that heavy and when he rags on you about it ask him "where did you get your medical degree?" because your weight is just fine and I'm sure your doctor agrees....
he will say something flip and you can say.... "well my doctor is the one who says my weight is fine... if you do not like my weight you know where the front door is do not let it hit your ass on the way out"
as for the "you're wearing that?" comment....
say 'only till I get out of your sight, then I'm going to strip down naked and run my fat ass through the streets..."
or some other snarky remark.
IF He won't go for marriage counseling (and I would make that contingent on staying married if you have kids) get counseling for yourself so you can build up your self esteem and get ready to leave this abuser.
A
female
reader, jadedpearl +, writes (4 February 2013):
 You perfectly described my ex, he would watch me while we were in the kitchen to make sure I was cooking the "right" way or cleaning the "right" way. He would criticize EVERY little thing I did from how I folded the towels to which direction I faced the toilet paper!! Everything I did was "WRONG." He would also criticize my body, saying my butt didn't look firm enough at one point and mind you I am a thin and in shape woman. He would tell me my outfits that I chose he did not like. I would tell him all the time that he is hurting my feelings and he would tell me I need to grow a back bone and toughen up. I didn't even have sex to use as a control because he had a low sex drive to begin with. My point is, he will not change the way he is and he is not going to realize how hurtful he is. He thinks he is doing nothing wrong. I had to leave my ex because of his behavior and words. I hope you can find a solution but I just wanted to share with you in that you are not alone on this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2013): It is time to leave as things will never change. You already have proof of that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2013): Next time he has the nerve to expect you to have sex with him, belittle him sexually and gave him a taste of his own medicine. Tell him he is so ugly no woman on earth would want to touch him and he is lucky he managed to trick you into marrying him. Or better yet when he is naked start criticzing his body parts in great detail and make fun of his private parts and tell him he needs to work out more and lose weight and compare him to your past boyfriends. Or start "supervising" him durimg sex the way he does to you and tell him he is really bad at sex. Show how much you despise him. Yes this will get him mad but that is the point, it is to show him what he is like by mirroring him. Then divorce him since he is a jerk and will never change. Your marriage has already been over long ago due to him. There is nothing to cling to or hope for. You just need to make a clean break and make it legal. He will probably cheat on you anyway since he has zero respect for you and feels he is entitled to sex. But give him a taste of his own medicine first. Don't accept him being a jerk just because he was conditioned by his family to treat you like this. He is just making excuses. There is no reason to he married to this creep.People don't change. Especially when they don't see there's anything wrong with themselves. If you dish it back to him and then divorce him there is a tiny chance it might provoke some introspection on his part if he sees it as a loss, though even that is doubtful If you continue being nice to him and remaining married to him then you are guaranteeing he will never change because there is no reason for him to as he isn't suffering any consequences of being a jerk and you are reinforcing to him that this is a normal marriage just like his parents.It is up to you to break the cycle. He certainly won't. You've been as patient and gracious and forgiving as is humanly possible. Time to change your goals and start realizing that he is toxic and will always be so you should get him out of your life and replace him with better people.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (4 February 2013):
Things won't change on their own. So just asking him to stop IS NOT GOING TO WORK. He needs to change who he is to do that, so he needs to go talk to a professional.
What I'd recommend is that the two of you go to marriage counseling. Maybe after he shows some progress there he can start to see his problems and go to one on one counseling to further address them.
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