A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Looking for advice to become a stronger and wiser person. Here's my prob:I do believe that my husband of 1yr is cheating on me. Like any other couple, we have the ups and downs but things seem more of a down right now. He's been acting odd towards me, totally changed. When there is an argument and I voice myself or if he doesnt like what I say, he says it is over and will file for divorce. We went from having sex to none at all. When I get him something, he says he shouldn't have, and asks "why are you trying to be so nice?"During an argument, he will get mad and start picking on me saying how much of a failure I am. He picks on me, the things he said he loved about me nowall of a sudden are irritating him. He used to compliment on my looks but now he is picking on me how I look. I hear how fat i am (when i am not fat at all) and when I refuse to eat he says I should be eating because I am thin. He is nice one minute, but totally mean the next. He rarely says I love you when before he was so open always about it. etc..Ive tried talking to him about this in a calm way. He says at times Im making things up and trying to make me feel stupid. I love him very much, and he wasnt like this towards me until the past month. Im keeping myself strong, holding in tears and been coping and patient with this. Should I be looking into giving up on this? Im really confused.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2008): Hi hun,
I agree with the other Aunts that you cannot automatically assume he is cheating, however, you can assume that something is up.
Alot of your discovery in unravelling what is going on with him, will need to take into account how he was before this recent mood change. Think about your relationship and how things go, particularly when either or both of you are under stress. Is he under stress and doesn't handle things well?
You need to think about all of the issues you have faced with him and perhaps consider if this is him. If he handles things in this way, this early in your marriage, then you need to make some changes.
How he has treated you, even if he is stressed, is unaccetable. But it is whether it is unacceptable to you that counts here. Just for a moment, take out the possibility of him cheating, and ask if you are prepared to take this crap. And it sounds like your not. Good on you!
You can wind yourself up in knots wondering if he is up to no good, and he may well be. But make sure you consider all the possibilities and all of the possible consequences of any discovery or issues you find.
It sounds as though you could well be discovering things about you relationship which are not only confusing you but causing you serious concern - AND YOU HUSBAND NEEDS TO BE AWARE OF THIS FACT.
Think about things, consider what you know, start a dairy, keep a cool head and let your brain take over and not your emotions.
Tell him you concerned that something is troubling him and if you don't know you can't help him. Ask him, why he has said he wants a divorce and ask him to explain this.
But tell him he needs to stop treating you this way or he will have other things to concern himself with, like loosing you!
You don't deserve to be kept in the dark in your own marriage. You deserve to at least know if you matter to him and are there to share problems and difficulties each face in your life together. That is what I beleive it is all about. So his acting cold and odd is a problem. If he handles things this way, it will always be a drain on you.
Stand up for yourself and tell him to grow up and acting like a child.
I think there is a difference in someone who just is not handling life too well and being a shit, to a person who is having an affair or being unfaithful and being a shit to their spouce or partner. They are different beasts! Make sure you consider carefully which one you have hun!
All the best.
A
female
reader, I'llTryToHelp  +, writes (2 June 2008):
 Don't immediately assume he's cheating without some sort of proof. Men don't handle stress as well as women. They tend to internalize the real problem but it always comes out one way or another. Usually as frustration and lashing out at the one closest to them, which is you, in this case. Maybe he'll go to couples counselling with you to save your marriage. You don't say how long you knew each other before you married. This could be the beginning of an ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. Most of the time, verbally/emotionally abusive men wait awhile before they start showing their true colors. Have you considered this possibility because the things you've said point more in that direction, IMO, than cheating. * Are you asking for sex and he's denying you? * During arguments, he's changing the subject to point out what he considers your faults so the problem is never resolved. * He's trying to ruin your self-confidence and self-esteem by tearing you down physically, mentally and emotionally - lying about what he's said to you, saying you're fat? or thin?, doubting your motives for gifts, withholding affection, not letting you express your opinion by cutting you off with threats of divorce. * Is he jealous or suspicious of you? What about your friends and family? Do you get to spend time with them without comments from him?There are many web sites you can go to for more information on this. I hope this isn't the case but it doesn't hurt to be informed. Do a search on google - verbal abuse.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2008): I was starting to convince myself that my boyfriend was having an affair when in fact he had been having a really hectic time at work. He was covering for the boss whilst he was away so as well as running the place he was also putting in extra hours. Also, within that time, they had their busiest ever day and then they had a stock take to contend with. He said most evenings he just crashed out in front of the t.v. I had felt truly neglected during this time, but he hadn't explained to me that all of this was going on. So, just maybe, your other half is really tired/stressed with work. Having said that, there really is no excuse to being unpleasant to your partner.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (2 June 2008):
 OK there are several ways to look at this but I think you have to analyse a little of what is going on right now.
Do you have any money worries to your knowledge?
Has he had any medical worries at all?
Has he been working long hours at work or he is under pressure to achieve in some way?
Do you both work or is it just him?
Could there be any problems with his family at all?
There are many things that could be happening but cheating you need to have some proof in some way.
OK so sex is off right now but that can be because he is either tired or depressed as the sex drive goes completely under those circumstances.
Does he shower a lot when he comes in or does his hours of work vary at all?
Does he ever smell of perfume or have you found any evidence of lipstick on his clothing at all?
Do you empty his pockets when you wash his clothes?
Is money tight right now or are there any unexplained monies going out of your bank account that you cannot account for?
They all say the first year of marriage is the hardest and circumstances can change that put the relationship under so much more pressure so it could be so many things.
OK worst case is that he could be cheating on you but without any proof this is a hard one to accuse someone of. Unless you can follow him or get a friend to do it for you then there is no way of knowing for certain.
I think the thing is you have to stay strong and say to him that unless you can both sit down and talk rationally then the arguments are going to continue and you feel that he is being unfair to you as you just want to understand what is going on right now as he does seem to have changed and all you want to do is try and help to get to the bottom of it all.
You feel as his wife that if there is something troubling him then a trouble shared is a trouble halved and even if it is awful then at least you can deal with it together.
Things cannot continue as they are so unless you stay strong and push him on this I don't feel that you are going to get to the root of the problem.
Yes he is having digs at you but that is to just hide what is going on with him, could he be gambling or hiding an addiction of some sort?
Does he spend long periods of time on the computer at all?
At the end of the day don't blame yourself for this as how can you possibly try to put something right if you don't know what is wrong.
Keep digging a little and I am always here if you want to talk it through a little more OK.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
female
reader, Star_07 +, writes (2 June 2008):
 What leads you to believe he is cheating? Of course the #1 sign is that behavior changes but is there anything else?I do not feel that you should be picked on and put into this rollercoaster of emotions. For someone to say you are are too fat, you are too thin, you are this or you are that...file for divorce? That is hurtful but I wonder why he is acting this way and he didnt used to be this way....I don't think you should give up on this but he needs to be willing to talk to you about what is going on. Have you just asked him how he is feeling, is something wrong..ect. without being mad, just there to listen to him? If he can tell you whats bothering him without you becoming defensive or mad, then maybe you two can work on the problem. How long were you two together before getting married? When he says that the things he used to love about you is now irritating almost sounds like an infatuation that never developed into a relationship, but you two are married....Thats besides the point though, try asking him what is going on and listening. If that doesnt work, then perhaps you two could seek counseling....it all depends on how willing you two are to work on things!I hope it works out for you!
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A
female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (2 June 2008):
 It sounds as though he has other problems that he's not telling you, and he's taking it out on you.
It's very unfair on you for him to behave this way, but assuming there's nothing you know of that you might have done to account for his changed behaviour, then you might want to try to find the problem before you think about giving up on the relationship. A year is a very short time for a marriage to break down completely - and it's all the more peculiar if he has changed so completely in just the last month.
If you can work out what's wrong, then you have a chance of helping him to put it right.
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