A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello all,I'll get right to it. I am married and my husband is cold as ice between the sheets. I've tried some different things to spice it up, but to no avail. He says he's just not the romantic type, but we barely have sex anymore. It's just such a difficult aspect of our marriage it ends up being ignored and neglected. (Exactly how I feel). I've told him many, many times how I feel and again, nothing changes. I know you can't change someone's personality, but this is bad. I honestly thought things would change one day and didn't think it was a very good reason not to marry him. I didn't want to marry for sex, but this is excruciating to deal with.I just don't know what to do and would like any advice. I have tried spicing it up, just plain talking, pampering him sexually... I get the same result and if I talk about my frustrations he says I'm nagging and will even become enraged at times. I personally think he has a fear of intimacy, but refuses to go to a sexual therapist. I love him and want us to be happy. I feel more distant from him because we are not sharing experiences in the bedroom like a healthy couple would be. There is practically zero romance in our marriage and I am definitely a romantic person. Was I naive to think things would come around some day? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (18 April 2015):
 Some men do not want to have sex as much as others, but it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with them, or you, or anything really, but if it is biothering you then it might simply come down to your incompatibility, If he knows how you feel and refuses to talk about it or get any therapy as a couple then this might be make or break for you and might be time to think about where this marriage is going and if it is worth holding on to.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 April 2015):
 Oh, so is he withholding because you pointed out to him that he lacked skills? Or because he was a selfish lover?
He got his male ego bruised and it might have turned him off sex.
And you married him KNOWING he was a (sorry to be blunt) piss poor and selfish lover - so now you are stuck with a guy who either has a lower sex drive because he male ego got wounded or he is withholding on purpose.
I think you need to have a VERY long and honest conversation about this. You two are WAY to young to not have intimacy and sex - romance? is another story. My husband... doesn't have a ROMANTIC bone in his body. SERIOUSLY. But he and I have found a compromise in that he will instead DO things (that he has procrastinated over for days, months, years) and I will take THAT as a romantic gesture. Work better than roses I know he would hate to buy. Like getting landscaping things for a greenhouse for me, so I can grow things. Worth WAY more to me than some commercial roses that doesn't even smell... You see what I mean?
When you DO talk to him, TRY not to make it an accusatory debate of his LACK of skills - but you NEED to express that he is NOT fulfilling YOUR needs, so maybe YOU are not fulfilling his?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2015): Has he always been like this? Was he like this before marriage? Are you sure he's not cheating? Have you ruled out cheating?Cheating makes men either go right off sex with their partner, or conversely, can make them want it all the time. Of course there are other signs, but you know your husband.How old is he? Has he had his testosterone checked?I moved in a with my partner and the sex had never been all that regular, maybe twice a week. It had always seemed mechanical and a bit cold somehow. I remember trying to turn him on with sexy underwear and he was still blergrghhh about it, a whatever attitude.I soon found out why when he left his email open one day by accident. One of his emails actually. Turns out he had more faces than I have had hot dinners and was going online to masturbate whilst chatting to VERY young Chinese and Thai girls. He had a very bad fetish. I was foolish to think a man in his late thirties didn't want sex with an attractive woman who was always flirting and wanting it every night. He made similar excuses, that he "never had a high sex drive". It was all lies, he just didn't want me, he wanted very young and Asian.Thank GOD I never married him. I may be single now, but at least I'm not playing second fiddle to online sex at 3 am when Bangkok comes online.. and the rest. Now I'm less of a fool and my eyes are open. Most men want lots of sex. Ironically before him I was with a guy who wanted it almost as much as I did and it was very passionate sex. It ended for unrelated reasons, but that part of it worked so very well. Romance or being romantic is NOTHING to do with sex drive. Your husband is not being completely honest. I sincerely hope you get it sorted. I don't think the solution is take a lover. I think it's get him to counselling and your GP for blood tests and get to the bottom of it. Then you will know more what to do. SageOldGuy makes a very good point.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (17 April 2015):
 My mantra: If two people cannot get their S/S/I (*) menus to corroborate... then they are wasting their time trying to stay together.....
(*) "S/S/I" is sensual, sexual, intimate.
Good luck.....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2015): This is the OP. Thank you everyone for the advice. In response to honeypie, yes, we had sex before marriage and his sex drive was higher in the beginning, but as I discovered his lack of skill and unwillingness to learn in the bedroom he and I both became disenchanted. It's come to this point over time and I know if he would just listen to my needs and even try at all things would be better. I feel he's just selfish sexually.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (17 April 2015):
 For a guy, his desire to be romantic comes from his desire to have sex and that is biological. Therefore, the reason why your man is not romantic is because he does not desire to have sex. So basically he has a biological problem and you should convince him that it is abnormal to be that way, that he needs to get his hormones looked at because at his age he should be humping like mad. Now, many men are happy being impotent or asexual and see no medical need to fix it because their logic is: if it does not hurt then it does not need the doctor. Such thinking is deliberate self neglect, like not bathing or brushing teeth daily. It's a travesty and you need to convince him not just on basis of medical reasons but that such neglect of him is neglect of you as well... And that can have some nasty repercussions on his marriage. So get him looked at by a doctor. Maybe his testosterone or DHEA levels are too low. One thing I know, and it is perfectly safe, is that every man (and woman) should take nitric oxide boosters because, besides lowering the blood pressure and more energy, it gets people horny. So look up things like Citrulline, arginine, tribulus, Pine Bark Extract... And have him take those. Vigorous workouts and running boost hormones and these positive chemicals. As a wife you've done right to seek ways to get his desire up and apparently it does not work. Your next step is medical and frankly if he refuses the medical attempts I see nothing more that you can do to help him. Thereafter, after refusal, your marriage can quickly break down because you will be approaching your 40s, you will become even more horny, and his absence can tempt you elsewhere. He needs to be aware of this dynamic as well and get going now, while younger, to fix it up.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 April 2015):
 I'm married a short time but I am older. I have a much MUCH higher sex drive than my husband at this point. IF I was 20 years younger I am not sure I would stay with him in a sexless marriage.
Even at this point in my life I have told him I want to take a lover. He says NO. But I make my point.
IF you love your husband and your sex drive is higher than his then consider discussing with him the ability to take a lover with his permission so that your sexual needs are met and you can stay with him.
Take yourself to one of the free hook up sites and look for a young horny legal guy and for a few years you can have a boy toy on the side
cheating is not an option this is with his permission.
if you can't or wont do that you options are to
accept it as it is and do nothing and live miserably or
divorce him as you are not sexually compatible.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 April 2015):
In short?
***Was I naive to think things would come around some day?***
yes.
Did he always have a low sex drive? Or disinterest in sex? Did you two HAVE sex before marriage?
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