A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been friends with this girl for about 16 years and I have always been there for her. Sadly a few years ago her father passed away and I was there for her as much as I could be. I would meet her after work, I would take her out for food and be a shoulder to cry on.Anyway we ended up going a bit distant, we had different lives as she’s in university and I am working, however she still is only about 15 minutes from where I live. Anyway we have the same group of friends but it’s gotten to the point where none of them are inviting me to things and they’re all ignoring me and I feel quite betrayed especially since I have been there for this friend forever. Everything we have done this year has been down to be suggesting and now I haven’t spoken to her in two months because I thought why isn’t she asking to meet? Especially since I am going through some horrendous stuff right now and this time I need a friend. She keeps going out with other friends that I am friends with, and nights out and I am just not getting invited to them and I am starting to feel alone. I do sympathise with her so I do make excuses why she is like this but then why should I be taken advantage of? I feel like she just stays as a friend for the sake of it, and I do too because I don’t really have other friends. What can I do? I have confronted her before and she just cried and said I upset her so much she couldn’t go into university, and she told her mum who got angry with me, it was like dealing with a child.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2015): You can't force people to be your friends, if they don't want to be. Maybe she's too weak to handle your horrendous stuff. You grow-up and part ways sometimes.
People mature, and their ways and tastes may change. If the young-lady seems distant and unappreciative of the fact you were there for her during a hard-time in her life; then what value is her friendship? When helping someone through grief, there are no strings attached. If they drift away, they comeback when they need you.
She does have a right to do things that don't always include you, you know? You talked to her about it, and she went ape-sh*t on you. So let her be.
Maybe you need to concentrate more on dating. Stop clinging to childhood friendships. Whatever your sexual-persuasion, meet some new guys or girls.
No one is obligated to be your friend; because you find it difficult to bond with other people. You grew-up together from childhood, you're not related. Now venture out into the real world. Sometimes you have to make friends outside your old-familiar territory.
She has apparently edged you out of the circle. It now appears the rest of the group aren't really that loyal either. Maybe the circle has now become a clique. That is what she has brought to the group. She has redefined their social paradigm. Are the others students as well? Maybe you're just a little too stuck in the past.
Accept the fact that she no longer values having you as a friend. You've been closed-out of their circle. It would seem that if the others cared; they'd invite you, or would insist that you be included. Chances are, she's snubbing you out; because she's a student, and sometimes they get that way. I suspect she's the culprit behind it all, and the others are just followers. You just move on, in any case. Give her some space.
People get a little uppity and self-important when they attend college and learn a few things. They become snobbish. Don't be surprised if she does come crawling back when everyone figures out how phony she is. They are as bad as she is, if they condone excluding you.
If she has a falling-out with one of the group, she'll come running to you for an ally. Wait and see. If she makes an ass of herself somehow, she'll need empathy and a nonjudgmental shoulder to cry on. I've known the type over my own lifetime. Sometimes I give-in, and sometimes I turn my back. It all depends. I'm loyal, but not stupid. I've noted that some so-called friends only come around when they've got problems. They need somebody to dump on. I know who they are, and I make myself unavailable. I decline invitations to pity-parties. Call me when there's something to celebrate! I'll bring a bottle of Bubbly! Friends don't always have to drown in your sorrows with you, my dear.
You're very young. You just have to learn to let go when people are no longer appreciative of your loyalty. It will sting for awhile; but you have to choose people who are genuine and share things in-common. Don't use guilt as a means to manipulate people. Let them come of their own free-will. Assume you've learned who your real friends are by the fact they don't care to include you in anything.
Sometimes you also have to look back in introspection. There just may be some habits and ways you have that turned them off. In reality, it doesn't matter one way or the other if they've shut you out. You simply venture out and find new friends. Dabble in unfamiliar territory and expand your horizons. You just may be a little too homegrown.
Unlike relatives, you get to pick your friends.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (17 April 2015):
"I feel like she just stays as a friend for the sake of it, and I do too because I don’t really have other friends. What can I do?" Acknowledge and mourn the end of the relationship you shared as children and turn to face the future, find new friends who are compatible and caring. She may well be an acquaintance into the future but it's time to stop relying on her for your emotional support.
You said you ended going up a bit distant due to changes in life circumstances.
I went through this several times when I was your age, and you know what? Hanging on to the bitter feelings and anger does not serve you one bit.
You have to let her go, put her into your past and get positive about your future and your future friends.
Deal with your "horrendous stuff" with the help of other people in your life. If you don't have other people in your life then you have identified something that you need to focus on.
It's time to put this friendship in "it's the past" category.
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. She's of the season group, that of your youth. You both have changed locations and life paths and much as it pains us to admit, not all the friends we had when we were growing up stay as friends in our adulthood.
Best wishes to you.
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