A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm married, I love my wife we have a beautiful little girl together that will be turning 4 in a few months. I have never asked questions on a forum before but I like to give as much information as possible so you get the picture.I work as a accountant for a big company, my wife is a nurse at a diyasis clinic. I would say we share the chores but not really, I keep the house clean and I do laundry, I also mainly am the one that cooks. My wife has a ruff job and I rub her feet when she's home because shes on them all day, she gets 2 days off a week and I'm off on weekends. Why do I need advice? Well my wife no longer has sex with me. I try what I can do to seduce her, I happen to be good at what i do at least my past has told me I was, I take my time I love foreplay. Every time I go to touch her I get my hand slapped away and she says either 1. I'm tired2. I don't want to take another shower3. Not in the mood4. Maybe this weekend (which when that comes shell have another excuse) But anyway the list keeps growing, we have sex once every couple of months. We have indeed talked about it, I've voiced my concerns. We have been married for 4 years and its been this way the entire time. I miss sex. And I love my wife we cuddle, we laugh together watch TV together and go places together, our relationship is good and were both great parents, we just live in a sexless marriage.Which brings me to my second issue... Old friend of mine found me online and we chat. I am not secret about it, I have known her for years before I met my wife. But recently the messages are more flirtatious and I will not lie I am very attracted to her, and she is growing more and more tempting. Help me out!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2015): Thanks for posting your question on cupid and caring and looking for an answer. Why not write your wife a letter and tell her exactly how you feel just as you did to us except leave out the flirting with an old friend part?!?
If she cares enough she will put in the effort to work on it, if not you know where you stand and what you have to do next.
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (18 April 2015):
Ah yes...the other woman to fill the space of the one who does not give you what you want...You know where this is going to end right???
Us men...Giving so much, and our wives not giving back...why???
We men tend to believe because we give the basic needs to our wives, she should turn into a sex goddess... WRONG!!!
What we men normally do is...We give what we think is "enough" to get sex...not what our wives truly needs.
It goes like this... I rub you back... I rub your feet...I pick up stuff...I run around for her... I wash the dishes...I do laundry...I pick up the kids from school...on and on.
BOYS...YES...BOYS... What your wives need is what cannot be bought in a stores, and what can not me judged. What is that you say???
LOVE...and...TWO, BIG, FAT, EARS to listen to her every need and complains. RESPECT...ESPECIALLY when she says she is not in the mood...NOT...oh my friend is ready for sex.
If your mind is focus on sex...how can you say you love your wife?? You are lying!!! You love sex...and you don't care who you get it from...as long as you get it. Life will always test your vows...always.
Want more sex??? Easy...forget sex... Love her, listen to her, take your daughter out for the DAY, not an hour. Speak to your wife as if you just met. Tell her all the raunchy things you want to do to her, and leave it at that. Women are not like men...The are thinkers...and need to process what the want to do to you...That's right. Trust me...women are way better at sexual stuff than men...and just need you to give them a way to access it.
As a wife of a friend said... "I would have sex with him every day if he stop being a bitch, and complaining all the time."
You cannot say you love your wife, but have an escape for sex when she does not want to have it...that my friend is not love...that is a lying.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2015): IMO when anyone denies their partner a decent sex life for years on end without a medical reason or something to explain it, then they have given up their claim on their partner.
Sex is not an entitlement but it is a basic need.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2015): I'm the writer of the post. Thank y'all so much for the advice,now some have asked for clarification. We were together for 2 years then she got pregnant and we got married and the sex and intamcy didn't stop for a long while then it just gradually died. I told my friend online it isn't appropriate and that's that were done talking, because I honestly agree I'm using her as a escape.As for talking to her about it we do all the time ...we even thought about councling .As per me being self proclaimed good in bed, all I mean is that I have had many relationships in the past and have had lots of sex me and my ex were together for 5 years and had sex daily more than once. But anyway I have just never been regretted so much in my life and it hurts. I give 100 percent to my realationship ... I even suggested we start over and date and we've done the thing were I take the kid to the grandparents and we go out and get a hotel for the night. When it is all said and done we both love each other I honestly don't want any other woman I just want my wife and I want my wife to want me.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2015): I'm the writer of the post. Thank y'all so much for the advice,now some have asked for clarification. We were together for 2 years then she got pregnant and we got married and the sex and intamcy didn't stop for a long while then it just gradually died. I told my friend online it isn't appropriate and that's that were done talking, because I honestly agree I'm using her as a escape.As for talking to her about it we do all the time ...we even thought about councling .As per me being self proclaimed good in bed, all I mean is that I have had many relationships in the past and have had lots of sex me and my ex were together for 5 years and had sex daily more than once. But anyway I have just never been regretted so much in my life and it hurts. I give 100 percent to my realationship ... I even suggested we start over and date and we've done the thing were I take the kid to the grandparents and we go out and get a hotel for the night. When it is all said and done we both love each other I honestly don't want any other woman I just want my wife and I want my wife to want me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2015): You don't mention how long you've had the sex-deficiency in your marriage. Long-term, all of sudden, just the past few months? A few weeks?
If your wife is only in her 30's, and her libido is that low; there may be something lowering her sex-drive. She would be at the peak of her sex-drive, if she's between 30 and 45. Often a low sex-drive is a side-effect of medications. If she had a difficult pregnancy, she may shy away from sex. Sometimes women feel they're not as "toned or tight" down-there after birth. Kegels usually helps pelvic floor problems. If she has put on a few pounds, she may feel a little self-conscious about her body.
You say you know you do all the right things. Kissing and foreplay, etc., etc. You said you were told you're good at it in the past. By whom? Self-proclaimed perfection or adeptness doesn't cut-it, brother!
Maybe she has been holding back her own opinion to spare your feelings. You can't completely rule out the possibility that you're not that great in bed. Maybe you're very good, but haven't pushed the right buttons in her case. I'm not being harsh, but sometimes taking criticism in that area is hard on the ego. You have to take it, if you want to please your partner. If it's over too quickly, to predictable, or she's a big fake. You'll never know. So you have to ask!
Healthcare-workers see the naked bodies of their patients all day long. They see very disturbing things you never get to see. They also witness very sad and emotional situations on a day to day basis; and that can have a psychological affect.
I served in the medical corpse in the Air Force; and then worked a short stint in a Veteran's Hospital medical laboratory. I was very young, but it did take a toll. Daily seeing cancerous organs, gaping wounds, pus, human waste, vomiting, blood; and the sad faces of sickly individuals who could melt your heart. You succumb to the pressures of your job. You hold lives in your hands, and that is a lot of pressure. A mistake could cost a life.
She may be suffering mild depression; but she isn't likely to admit to her own personal maladies for professional reasons. She doesn't want to give the impression she can't handle her job. I know how drained I felt at the end of the day, and it did make me less interested in sex. I would have visuals that turned me off. Inserting or removing catheters in and out of patients isn't a pretty sight. You see traumas of every kind in the ER, and having to turn-off your human-side when patients come-on to you. After a good rest, you usually snap-back to yourself again. She may only need a good long romantic vacation. You're a fellow-nerd, I guess you may need to be reminded of these things.
I think you should kindly and sincerely suggest that she get herself a physical examination, and have her hormone-levels checked. If she is resistant to the suggestion, then be frank. Let her know that you miss having sex; and if you can't rule out a physiological reason; then there must be a problem in the marriage.
I have little to say about that friend. Cut it out! Stop looking for an excuse to cheat on your wife, dude. You painted this pathetic picture of how you're denied sex; then you slide in the part about attraction to someone else. Nothing justifies infidelity in your marriage. You get-out when you can't work it out! Then hunt for all the sex you want.
Try resolving your intimacy problem within your marriage, without introducing unnecessary complications. If you love your wife as you claim; you'll do nothing to hurt her, or your child. If she is the one causing your angst; then you'll have to man-up and stop dancing around the issue.
Address it point-blank, and stop letting her wiggle her way out.
What is the point of being married to a person you're afraid to bare your soul to? If your needs are not being met, tell her!!! Don't let her catch you having an affair first; thinking you'll have a built-in excuse. The lamest excuse of a cheater is blaming the person they've cheated on for not giving them sex.
It is illogical to cheat and destroy the marriage; when you may as well end the marriage if sex is so important to you.
She's being a total idiot, if she thinks she can deny you sex; and live under the pretense she has a happy marriage.
Enough with the excuses and avoidance.
Make sure you haven't made unkind remarks regarding her appearance. It may not even seem that big of a deal to you; but it can be very cutting to someone who holds you dear to their heart. Your opinion of her means more than any other person's on the planet.
Most of the people who come to DC have difficulty communicating with their partners. They go from one extreme to the other. Passive-aggressive to a sledge-hammer. They beat around the bush, go for the jugular, or internalize. Sometimes a direct and tactful approach (minus insulting or accusatory tones) is the only option. Make them face the freaking facts, and work-out a solution. Be patient enough to allow them time to reach a compromise or a solution. Some problems just aren't solved over-night; or after a big dramatic conversation about it. Real-life problems aren't solved in the span of an hour, or a few episodes, like on TV.
She's being evasive. If you've got the balls to consider cheating; have the balls to talk to your wife, man!
STOP FLIRTING ONLINE!!! What's the matter with you?
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A
female
reader, Plexi +, writes (17 April 2015):
 Is it possible that you are attracted to the idea of her( your online friend) and not the actual person..............the fantasy of how things could be with someone other than your wife? Fantasies are often a way to cope with/escape reality. it sounds like you and your wife have been married sine your daughter has been born( of course it's been like this since the beginning. what happened to the courting period where you discover each other and you are hot about each other. Sex always goes down or disappears after a child is born( stress, lack of sleep, depression.....etc)you guys have to break this pattern you are in( you don't know any different, that's why it's hard to snap out of it Can the grandparents take your daughter for a week or more so you and your wife can perhaps get away somewhere and spend some solo, uninterrupted time together to reconnect and build the fire between you two?
Forget about your online friend...............she is just a distraction and an escape( she might be the same if you left your wife, got her pregnant and married her right away)
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A
female
reader, Plexi +, writes (17 April 2015):
Is it possible that you are attracted to the idea of her( your online friend) and not the actual person..............the fantasy of how things could be with someone other than your wife? Fantasies are often a way to cope with/escape reality. it sounds like you and your wife have been married sine your daughter has been born( of course it's been like this since the beginning. what happened to the courting period where you discover each other and you are hot about each other. Sex always goes down or disappears after a child is born( stress, lack of sleep, depression.....etc)you guys have to break this pattern you are in( you don't know any different, that's why it's hard to snap out of it Can the grandparents take your daughter for a week or more so you and your wife can perhaps get away somewhere and spend some solo, uninterrupted time together to reconnect and build the fire between you two?
Forget about your online friend...............she is just a distraction and an escape( she might be the same if you left your wife, got her pregnant and married her right away)
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (17 April 2015):
Is your wife on anti depressants?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (17 April 2015):
 My mantra: If two people cannot get their S/S/I (*) menus to corroborate... then they are wasting their time trying to stay together.....
(*) "S/S/I" is sensual, sexual, intimate.
Good luck.....
(Contacting the "old friend" is, indeed, not helping matters.... BUT... when one's ship is going down, he can't be blamed for looking around for flotation devices.....)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 April 2015):
 1. Cut the contact with the "old friend" it IS NOT helping you or your marriage. YOU NEED to deal with this issue (your marriage) and not try and "emotionally branch out" with this "old friend".
2. on a day you wife is relaxed (so NOT after work) ASK her if there is a reason sex isn't interesting her any more. Maybe sex hasn't BEEN as great as you think. Maybe she needs a check up (she is a nurse, but that doesn't mean she will put herself first when it comes to health). TALK to her, ask her what SHE needs from you, and tell her what you NEED from her.
3. pull back with the "seduction" - it's NOT working for her, and it's certainly NOT working for you.
4. You say it's BEEN this way the WHOLE 4 years you have been together? So this in NOT new behavior FROM her. She might JUST have a low sex drive. Or having given birth made her feel uncomfortable with her own body and thus not wanting sex.
YOU really NEED to talk this out with HER - not some "old friend".
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (17 April 2015):
 As a husband, your first job is to fix your marriage and you don't get to fix it by flirting with another woman. So expand a lot more energy on convincing your wife that there is a huge problem with her sex drive, that at her age it is abnormal not to want to have sex, and that, therefore, she has to do something about it. One thing that she definitively needs is to be looked at hormonally because they could be out of whack. That requires doctors to analyze her. Many women, and men, become asexual and think that is normal hence do nothing about it. That is wrong and, frankly, is a deliberate neglect of one self, just like failing to brush teeth daily. Also, look into supplements that could enhance her libido, things that boost nitric oxide. Get a membership at the gym and get on heavy workout regimen. That uses up the nitric oxide to build endorphins and testosterone and that gets people aroused. Get her exposed to erotic and pleasant scenery because as a dialysis nurse, I'm sure, she never sees anyone erotic. Take walking trips through nature and look for ways to spouse a spark in her. Take her out to bars, to look at other people, to see sexy ones, nice people...None of this is a solution on its own but are some ideas that can help you break out the negative feed back loop you both are in right now if which the hormonal check is a must.
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