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female
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*ust_b_nuts
writes: HELP!! I feel like I'm losing my mind!! I'm married 14 years to a wonderful man whom I love very much, but who more and more has me on an emotional roller coaster by being either moody, distant and cold or (getting rarer) happy, attentive and passionate. I had never thought of being with another man until my high risk pregnancy in another country (my DH is an international business man) when I fell for my OB/GYN. And long story short, the feelings were/are mutual, we've done some heavy flirting, but he has told me that although he really likes me too, it's unethical, and he won't act on it (I've been the agressor by the way). We occasionally talk on the phone, but mostly keep in touch by email or online chats. My DH caught us talking on the phone and chatting a few times and became very angry, and more detatched - which makes me think about the doctor more!! This has been going on for 3 years. I've told the doctor how I feel, and that I'm totally addicted to him, and to PLEASE block me from his chat, but he refuses to block me and says he likes being my "friend".... Our chats are just friendly normal talks but sometimes there are hints of "the forbidden", which keeps it exciting! Recently my DH and I moved to yet another country, and the chats with my now EX doctor have become a little hotter!! Maybe he feels safer now that the chances of us actually getting together are so slim. But my big problem is that I cannot get him out of my head!! It's making me feel guilty and depressed!! I want to forget about him and give my marriage 100%. And sometimes I succeed, until my DH does his cold distant moody thing!! In a few days, I'm going to pass through the country where this doctor lives. I'll be there for one night. ALONE. And I've already told this to the doctor over a recent chat. I know I'm flirting with disater here, but I am tempted to invte him to my hotel room!! I'm married with 3 beautiful daughters, and according to most standards, I have seemingly the "perfect life". A sucessful handsome husband (who "acts" attentive to me in front of others - whereas at home he completely shuts down), 3 beautiful well educated daughters, 3 big houses in different countries, we socialize with diplomats and top execs, travel the world, etc... but I'm left feeling frustrated and lonely in my marriage and life in general. The doctor is also married with 4 kids, comes from a very wealthy and well-known family in his country, and is well known and respected in his community. He's afraid of geting caught, I'm afraid of the guilt that would kill me!! But I'm so torn!! I really cannot stop thinking about him!! And I keep staring at his pictures he sent me in an email!!!!! And I feel guilty and crazy and starting to feel depressed that I cannot control my thoughts and dreams and feelings for this man!!!!!!!!!!!! HELP!! And please don't give me advice like "just quit thinking about him!" because it's not that easy and I need RAL advice!!!Thank you...must_b_nuts
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2006): Hun, go on 'Google' and type in "emotional affairs"...I think you'll some very helpful, interesting reading on this issue. They offer many insights on how you can overcome this. Good luck and be strong.
A
female
reader, must_b_nuts +, writes (10 January 2006):
must_b_nuts is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks Irish!! You seem to have "gotten it"!!!!! I want it to stop, the dependence and addiction to him, but I can't! I'm stuck!! If you have any great advice on how to stop the "drug", I'd appreciate it. Also, FYI, I never did travel through his country, so we never got together, THANK GOD!! I really don't know if I could have gone though with it, or if he would have..... Although I'm more obsessed with him than ever, because I have a close relative very sick in the hospital and my DH (who is working out of the country now), is being too distant and cold for me... it's making me feel so lonely..... I feel so messed up!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2006): There is no issue here..you are way to dependent on this doctor and that's so unhealthy because it means you have both let down your emotional boundaries. You are giving this doctor, your intimate self, your heart.And that should be reserved for your husband. Possibly, your husband has been sensing your affair and has been acting out more often because he knows, dear. You have convinced yourself you feel attractive,good and desirable when you are chatting with your doctor. Don't forget, like you, he is probably lonely and looking for an occasional flirty, fun time. But you do know..his first priority is his wife and family...not you. A lot of men can flirt and have affairs without becoming too emotionally attached. So I feel you are being used and manipulated, dear. He knows you depend on him-yet he still insists on being available to you. You are hurting..yet he still selfishly keeps being available to you. Is this respect..love..even like? Noooo..it's pure coercion and power on his part. Move on and end this fling now. It's getting out of control. You are winding up becoming too dependent on him for your daily pick-me-ups and perks, and that is sucking your love/committment away from the very people who deserve it the most-your husband and your family. There's way too much at stake. You will end up with nothing-no self-respect and you will losing the respect of your daughters and your husband, your marriage will end and your life will be turned upside down..all for a few magical moments online. It's gone too far. I would get into marriage counselling..pronto..It sounds like the communication skills in your marriage need a lot of work. The commitment of marriage opens people up at their very core and the best come out but sometimes the very worst, comes out. Change your attitude ans save your family and marriage. Your husband loves you-your daughters love you...think of them. Make the best choices, dear. Take care and be very, very strong. Good luck
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2006): i really think you need counselling advice. your husband obviusly used to be a great man (marriage wise) and now he has gone all flat. you need to to talk to him about your feelings.tis doctor is married, so are you and you both have kids. THINK about the children. this could destroy them.i really dont think you should invite this doctor guy to your hotel room cos one tiny thing leads to another big thing and you'll end up even more in love with him. I know how it feels when people say "just quit thinking about him" cos that does not help at all! how can you stop thinking about a guy you have feelings for? if you want to save your marriage: delete all emails from him,block him from chats, and tell him that you cant go on like this. when you see him in this country, have a good time (no naughties)go out, have a meal you know that kinda stuff then forget about him. losing kids,houses, a husband and a relitavly ok life will really really get you down, more than you are now. Like i said erlier, speak to your husband,m spice things up! buy some gorge lingerie and toys and try to get your relationship up to scratch. good luck and i hope all works out for you.
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female
reader, must_b_nuts +, writes (5 January 2006):
must_b_nuts is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy last sentence should have read: "Because it's not that easy and I need REAL advice!!"
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