A
female
age
36-40,
*ummabean
writes:Hi, my husband has recently come home after a month away and suddenly started wanting me to have sex with my lesbian next door neighbour, he doesn't want to watch or be involved at all. We have known she has a crush on me for a long time and given my very very distant history, he was always scared that he would come home and find us together. I have never been interested in her or anyone other than my husband and i keep telling him this but he is dead set on me having sex with her, to the point that he has arranged for it to happen while he stays at home and looks after our toddler. I don't want to but feel I now have to but I am scared about the effect this can and will have on our relationship. Why all of a sudden is he wanting me too, why now is it ok and he is completely fine with it. He says he still and always will feel the same about me and that nothing has changed, just that he is ok with it. Like I said, it's not like I have ever or do ever want to but he is seemingly forcing me. Please help me to try and make sense of this :(
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 May 2017):
 He sounds guilty. If I had to guess I would say after being away a month he has cheated on you. Now he feels bad and hopes that if you do the same he might feel less guilty about it. Have you spoke to him and told him NO? Speak to your neighbor and ask her to back off politely. Tell her you are not interested. Sit down and talk with your husband if he is still adamant that you should sleep with the neighbor I would show him the door. Cheating is cheating no matter what the gender is. He has to have a motive for wanting this. Also do not be intimate with him until he gets a sexual health check.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (7 May 2017):
 The other 13 answers are brilliant ones, so what I have to say about this isn't an "instead of", it's just that your post reminded me of a situation I encountered with an acquaintance about 15 years ago whose husband started doing the same thing to her with the extreme pressure, the urgency, the almost irrational need to make her sleep with someone else. The only difference in this story was that he wasn't pushing her into a lesbian affair, and to be honest, that's secondary here. He would throw her the line of sometime having a MFM threesome with the guy if she were to "like" him. She said NO GO, as she rightfully should have.
In my old friend's husband's case, he was covering something up alright. A woman he worked with had just called him up to tell him that she had been diagnosed with herpes, and that he needed to go for a drug test. In this guy's case, he wanted his wife, my friend, to sleep with another guy and then blame it on HIM in the event of getting the STI. Then, if they'd had the threesome, you can see where this was headed.
SHE said "no go", but he got what was coming to him because his co-worker that he'd slept with contacted her after she gave him an ultimatum to come clean to his wife because she felt guilty about possibly spreading herpes to his wife - my friend.
I can't MAKE this stuff up!!! Her POS husband is now her POS ex-husband. Luckily, my friend tested NEGATIVE for herpes, and her husband tested POSITIVE.
Just food for thought! It's a very outside chance, but it's happened! I'm not kidding! Find out what he's covering up by this whacked-out behavior.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2017): Maybe he had a sexual encounter with someone while he was away and now is trying to let you even the score without you knowing.
If so he can't risk losing you, and definitely don't want you sleeping with another man so is pushing this to feel better.
That or his secretly trying to catch you in the act for a divorce to move on with his bit on the side.
Or he could be trying to see what happens rid the fear something will happen beyond his knowledge so pushing the worse case to happen so he doesn't get paranoid anymore when away
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2017): Just tell the woman your not interested
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (6 May 2017):
I'm pretty sure that unless he holds you at gun point he cannot force you to have sex with your neighbor. You need to tell him emphatically that it is not going to happen. You then need to go to couples counseling to get to the bottom of your husband's obsession. My guess is he's trying to ease a guilty conscience by making you as guilty as him. Sort of balancing the books in his mind.
If he won't go to counseling you should go by yourself to help you make some important decisions about your marriage. Good luck to you.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (5 May 2017):
 It's a guy fantasy to be "involved with two women. But this seems more like a test to see if you're "up to it". Just remember you don't HAVE to do anything you're uncomfortable with. He cannot force you to do this; otherwise you have grounds for divorce. Good luck...as an aside he sounds like a creep to me maybe a divorce isn't a bad idea.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (5 May 2017):
OP if you don't want to then you don't have to. No one can force you to do anything and he's almost pimping you out. I think he feels that this would spice up your sex life for some reason. Tell him firmly that you will not tolerate this nonsense and you refuse to be treated in this way. You cannot and will not go around sleeping with people just because he wants you to. This is ridiculous! Put your foot down, don't budge and if he insists, I don't think there's much to salvage. Today he's making you have sex with a woman, tomorrow he'll suddenly want you to do it with a man. What will you do then?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2017): You cannot be forced to do anything! It sounds as though he is offering to babysit though so what exactly is going on here?
He is probably feeling guilty after being away for a bit but I dont think that tellling you to go and do your friend is going to change his guilt balance.
You have no proof that he has been up to anything while he's been away but he will have all the proof he needs and will soon be making it public knowledge.
Many guys love the idea of girl on girl fantasies because they figure that after the females have turned each other on they will both be gagging for glorious him!
Are you sure the neighbour is an out of control lesbian just desperate to get into your pants?
Sometimes men nudge a woman in that direction because they are interested in the woman and the lesbian bit is fictitious!
Also nudging towards threesomes.
You have more power to refuse than you think including kicking him out because this just doesnt gel well so you could tell him to trot on and shut the door on him very firmly!
Some guys assume that if two females get along well they must be secretly doing it together on the sly because their understanding of loyalty and friendship is very low.
The fact that he is coercing you is making me wonder what he wants to get up to with the child in your sexy absence.
It sounds like a setup or a nut job so you should tell him that you take a very dim view of his attitudes and his benevolent sexual gift of the neighbour is something he could never afford!
Perhaps this is the point..he cant afford you and the child because his coercive persuasion is a form of controlling behaviour so look at your options without this fake uber sexy con artist and yawn deeply and show him to the door.
If necessary tell him you have a fetish for men in uniforms and call the police!
Tell them 'He's trying to pimp me out to my neighbour and I want him out of this house now!'
They will give him time to find his sox and leave and offer you help from a support group!
You are not a sexual freebie or a sexual by-the -way for the neighbours entertainment
He will be embarresed instead of you and have to go begging for a bed and explaining why and as he leaves just yell at him 'You are so damned disrespectful I have no time for you!' or something more colloquial and shorter!
Remember that if he gets his way you will be deemed to be cheating with the neighbour in the divorce courts and you would get less money and respect while good ol honest and honerable him sat home weeping and holding your abandoned child as you wantonly sought your sexual pleasure!
He will never tell it as it is!
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (5 May 2017):
 This is extremely bizarre.
Tell him you want him to have sex with a male neighbour and that you were always scared you'd come home and see them in bed together but you're fine with it now.
See how he responds to that.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 May 2017):
 This is weird. Tell him you don't want to. You can't be forced to have sex with someone when you don't want, that's rape. You have said no. He needs to respect that.
But then again, you say the reason you don't want to is because you are scared it will change your relationship with your husband. So what is it? Do you actually want to have sex with her, you just dont want to jeopardize the marriage? Or do you not want to have sex with her, period? Are you sexually attracted to her?
You should know better than anyone of us why he wants you to have sex with her. We don't know him and you. You do. If you don't know why he insists on this, have you tried to ask him?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2017): Get him STD checked ASAP and NO SEX with him until he's been cleared.
Say no to coerced sex acts!
If you are afraid of him then you are in an abusive relationship and need to get out! Contact your local women's shelter for help ASAP if this is the situation!
Lots of red flags waving madly here! Pay attention and get help if you can't help yourself!
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (5 May 2017):
It sounds like just the thought of it turns him on.
Do you have a gay male friend? Ask your husband how he'd like to have sex with that man. Or you could tell him that you'll think about it if he has sex with this man. Guys who are totally straight would not have sex with another guy under any circumstance, so it is difficult to see how your husband thinks it is fine for him to force it upon you.
I cannot imagine your lesbian friend consenting to have sex with you given your dislike of the idea. Does she even know about this?
In any case, this is something you should absolutely refuse. While you are concerned about the effect that it may have on your relationship if you refuse, the consequences could be even more disastrous if you do it. In the least, you are going to have an enormous amount of resentment toward your husband.
Your husband's pushing you into this against your own will is a very sad reflection on him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 May 2017):
 Say what?
I agree with Auntie BimBim,
Tell him to BACK off or get lost. You are NOT interested in sex with this or anyone else besides him. If he can't accept that... the DOOR is RIGHT there, don't let it smack your ass on the way out!
YOU need to stand up for yourself here.
And I also agree that it sounds like he wants to "even" his own actions out. Or get a GOOD reason why HE should be able to cheat in the future.
This is not a good sign and I think the SOONER you FIRMLY shut this down the better.
Who CARES if he is OK with it? If you are not, he needs to stop.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2017): Totally agree with aunty bimbim; either he's been up to stuff or he's looking to play about . Tell him straight . This is not on . In fact get your neighbour around and say infront of her . You like her very much as a person but have no no sexual desire for her . Whatever your husband has said is not on . Maybe he's hoping this lead to threesomes or something . The mind boggles .
Take care stand firm
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (5 May 2017):
 Give your husband a choice, back off or move out.
It seems odd that he is wanting you to have sex elsewhere after being away for a month. I would be asking him if he did anything while he was away which is now influencing his behaviour. Did he have sex elsewhere and does he feel you having sex with the neighbour will even the score or perhaps enable him to say you cant point the finger at him when you have also had sex elsewhere.
Either way his current behaviour is out of line and not to be tolerated.
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