A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I can't believe it's come to this-posting an anonymous question on an advice forum. I hope someone can help!It started a while ago, four years ago. My husband is a teacher, a very dedicated devoted teacher who is respected and high up in his school. It seemed perfectly reasonable that at times the school would call me some days of the week to tell me that he would be late because he was in a meeting. For that first year though he got worse, he spent more and more time after school until he was coming home at 6:15 twice a week, without contacting me about it. He always said he was working late. It stopped though then, after that year and we decided to get married after a long engagement and everything was good for a while. I couldnt help but notice sometimes he had sudden lapses in mood, he became alot more vain than i have ever known him to be but again that stopped after a short while so I ignored it. I couldn't help but notice that sometimes he came home with 'stains' on his trousers, i asked him about it once and he laughed and dismissed them as food stains: and he did eat sandwiches with mayonnaise in them, so i thought that i was being a bit silly. And well it all went on for four years and i ignored it. They seemed such small things. I had first thought he might be having an affair but he had stopped staying afterschool and hadnt done that for nearly two years, and we were happily married. I put all thoughts out of my head.Then not long ago i found out suddenly one evening at dinner he tells me that he has an interview with the police in a day, about an accusation a student had made against him. He never said what it was, i believed him 100% when he told me that it was false, a misunderstanding that she had made it up. But he seemed so secretive about it, he wouldnt answer any questions and he admitted that for the past few years she had been sendng him emails. He said he had never replied to any of them. The school supported him 100%, the police found no evidence and he wasn't suspended, so the allegations couldn't have been that serious? And i thought along the lines of that it was some vindictive girl trying to make trouble until i mentioned in passing to him about how they don't have as many meetings anymore and he said they never had meetings more than once a fortnight. I also asked him why he didnt have as much work, and he said he had far more than he ever had and he mentioned offhand that there was no work he needed to do specifically at school. I have an odd feeling about this and i feel terrible. I want to know if anyone finds this suspicious, is there something really wrong here? He taught the girl who made the accusation for four years and although she is 18 i am worried. What do you think is going on here? Should i trust my husband?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2009): Be very aware.He could be lying to you. I am a college student.When I was in high school I went though the same thing.I dated my teacher and I used to send him emails and call him.He also called me too but sent very few message that could be saved such as emails.He was married with kids. He would stay late at the school just so we can spend time together.He also was held high at the school.But things got out and he was interviewd by the police.He denied everything.So now I was looked at as crazy.Either way I told the truth but never was believed.I had all records but noone believed.The school supported him because he had a high position and was known.I believe this girl has a reason for accusing your husband.Why would she make it up and risk tarnishing her life?Your husband is hiding something...
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2009): Well obviously you shouldn't trust him. And it seems to me, nor do you.He has not been honest with you. An accusation of sexual misbehaviour directly effects you. It is assumed that if you live your life with him as if nothing has changed, then you are making a statement rejecting the accusation. But you had that statement obtained from you dishonestly, by his last-moment mention of his trial.And you suspect his dishonesty with you goes further. To making up stories about work obligations to cheat on you. And not just to cheat, but to commit a darstardly act -- seducing a child.I'd confront him about his first dishonesty. He should have told you earlier. You're probably in a better situation to determine if that is also because he did not trouble at home as well as work, or because if you knew you could bring circumstances to the table that would have made the girl's story more credible.On that point, it is remarkable that you were not interviewed by police. Which makes me wonder if the allegations were not convincing, or if the investigation was poor.I'd try and get the real story. Perhaps by asking one of the school's administrative staff which you have made a friendship at one of those school functions.Best of luck, with whatever you decide to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2009): Hi. You have many reasons to be suspicious. It sounds as if your husband had indeed been up to something. Frankly i find it almost unbelievable that hes accused of something potentially very serious and you dont even know what! Hes being very secretive and not talking to you about it? Theres something very wrong there.
He was clearly making it up about staying late at school for work. Hes more or less told you that. And who gave this girl his email address? Why was she emailing him for years and what was she emailing him for? Isnt it odd hes only mentioned to his wife that a young girl had been emailing him secretly for years, once the police were involved! Hes clearly not very open with you is he. And for the record. No one is going to be emailing someone for years if they never get a response. Hes lying to you.
I would sit him down and talk to him. Say you are very worried because things dont add up. Ask him to be completely honest with you and tell the truth because you will have to take the matter further yourself if he is not prepared to do so. Explain that you love him, will stand by him no matter what. But you need the truth and make him tell you what has been going on. By definition teachers need a good memory and good communication skills. The fact that he seems to have neither when it comes you to and this issue is very concerning. If he is still evasive then go to the police or the girl and ask them instead. It sounds as if thats what you will have to do, which speaks volumes about this man. Sorry if ive been blunt but you have to wake up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2009): I'm a Student at a highschool right now, so you may not believe what i say but thats ok alot of adults never do..I would have a serious talk with my husband if he did that and even possibly go to the cops.. not for his wrongdoing but for what he might being doing to a kid... Cause thats just not cool..
So I hope this might help
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity  +, writes (28 November 2009):
 This sounds like quite the issue.
I can see where you feel really uncomfortable, even to the point of suspicion. I really don't think you can draw a reasonable conclusion based on the evidence that you do have. The sad thing is though that these accusations that your husband faced are very serious.
So serious that it is to the point that you need to find out what happened. I would sit him down and talk through things, and get details on this accusation. If he won't tell you, maybe go through the police or the school? I'm sure they have to tell spouses or something. Then from there you can reach a better conclusion (or at least have more facts). There is both odd behavior from your husband and bad reactions based on his supposed behavior that gives you the right to know the truth. All the best of luck to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2009): I think you have every right to be worried. Girls dont just make up things like that about their teachers. It was her word agains his and she wasn't taken seriously. Sad really.
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