A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for three years now and my husband insists on keeping things from me. He says these things do not involve being unfaithful and I could not handle them. He always has to have some air of mystery like he's a secret agent or something. It's driving me mad and I'm ready to proceed with divorce. I have talked to him extensively and he knows how I feel and says it would destroy him if ever I leave yet he's not willing to open up. He also has ran into an old friend of the opposite sex... he is texting back and forth like crazy and thinks it shouldn't bother me. BUT he also locks his phone to be sure I cannot access it. She is engaged and has a child and I have met her. He thinks that's enough to ensure he means no harm. I could go on forever -- I just need some input from someone that knows neither of us! Please help!
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female
reader, sst7244 +, writes (13 February 2013):
Call her fiancé. Tell him what your concerns are. Let's see how that plays out.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2009): Your husband sounds insensitive and unreasonable. While I believe that people need space and may have some secrets, it sounds like your husband actively withholds from you a good deal of the time. Plus, he does not respect that you do not feel comfortable with the way he corresponds with this particular woman (is it this woman or any woman?). I do not think having an intuitive alarm about one woman makes you all around insecure and controlling. Nor do I think that your job as a wife is to imagine how much worse things could be (like the poster saying strip clubs(!)), and then shut and be grateful. I think you should trust your gut. Engaged women. Women with children. Any woman, can be after or having an affair your husband. And yes, she could meet you and smile in your face and still cross boundaries because HE is the one who made vows to you and has to put you first, and her in her place (even if you decide as a couple that place is out of your lives). The bottomline is your husband is supposed to be working with you so that both of you are okay with the parameters of your relationship. It is not okay that just he is okay with keeping secrets and having clandestine text messaging sessions with another woman. I would try counseling. If he refuses, I would tell him one last time: this marriage, with you behaving like XYZ, does not work. And if he is not willing to be a partner in this, I might leave.
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A
female
reader, Plexi  +, writes (28 January 2009):
 Honey i might sound harsh but this is how i see things. Sounds like you have control issues because of whatever insecurities you might have. Men get more secretive the more controlling we get. you should be more worried about him going to a strip club or a stag night out then hanging out and being in touch with an ex. Men are not curious about breasts and thighs they've already touched. You are married yes and its important to be honest with each other but its also important to have personal space and not feel controlled and suffocated by the other partner.
I say simmer down and try to give him more space and trust:)
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A
male
reader, The old Man? +, writes (28 January 2009):
 In marriage there should be no secrets! Best friends don't hide things from one another.
If he tells you there is nothing going on, he should feel no need to lock his phone.
Follow your gut, it will never lie to you!
Joe~
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