A
female
age
,
*eahag50
writes:My husband of many years has become very verbally and emotionally abusive. He hates everyone including me. He has alienated even our children and no one comes to visit. I have a 50th high school reunion this summer and I intend on going..I am not asking him to go because he told me that he will make sure that everyone there knows what a horrid person I am and because Im fat they will laugh at me.Frankly i had no intention of taking him he doesn't know any of these people and I kinda figure it doesn't matter to them that I am fat.I am at a point where i just don't care about him anymore and frankly just waiting for him to croak...he is ill and has been disabled since he was 36 never worked after that and obtained full disability. I know he is in pain all the time but when you get angry at your spouse and spit on her that took it to the limit I no longer have sex with him for the past 15 years and i have my own bedroom....i go to things alone and even go to dinner alone. Divorce is too expensive and i don't really want anyone else in my life. I would rather be alone than deal with another man to treat me horrid.My doctor told me to not engage with him when he starts to fight and insult. I walk away and he screams at me that I am running away...just give me some advice how to keep sane...i truly hate him now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2018): Hello there
You are right to leave him. he has no right to be so mean to you, the woman who cooks and cleans up after him. You reminded me of something I watched on an old film. A pretty lady was disabled and the actor said about: "why, if God didn't heal you are you still happy?" And she said, something like "God has decided that I remain with this and just knowing that God is with me is enough".
How nice if your husband could see this! And not only that, but that he has a wife who cares for his needs.
God says now: Care for your own needs. You have been kind and even if you are overweight, you are still kind! (You got overweight for many reasons). Is that man over-weight? Yessss!
I wish you a calm life now. Free from such abuse.
Z
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2018): Don't leave him unattended if he cannot move around on his own. I understand your frustration; but to intentionally leave someone who is disabled and immobilized to starve is criminal.
Inform his family you're leaving; and leave him entirely in their care. You've done all you can. I'm so sorry!
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A
female
reader, seahag50 +, writes (11 April 2018):
seahag50 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for responding all..im sure a lot has to do with the chronic pain but last night was the straw that broke my back Our grandson came over with his girlfriend and had dinner with us, My husband sat at the table and later in the living room using every occasion to make me the butt of his jokes all evening...i finally got tired of it got up kissed my grandson and his girl friend and said love you both but i refuse to sit here any longer with someone who thinks im their joke of the week...upstairs i went....he was furious...i told him if he said one more thing to me i will call the cops and have him arrested for abuse...well its all quiet on the western front...ive been ill today and told him so...he said yada yaa blah lah your fat not sick...i shut the door and locked it...he can die of starvation.......im leaving
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2018): It could be due to the early onset of Alzheimer Disease or dementia. He could be suffering from one of a number of mental-illnesses that has now come full-swing and manifests itself in narcissism or aggressive behavior.
I've worked in the medical field and know how long-term illness can make people cranky; but there's more to it when they become flat-out abusive and violent.
Your husband has been disabled since he was 36. That means he has been dealing with a chronic-illness or serious injury that is getting progressively more painful with time.
Side-effects from painkillers and opioids also make people nasty! You would think it would make them more calm, dazed, and passive. Oh, no...I've been hit, scratched, and bitten by ornery patients who are just tired of being poked, probed, and incapacitated!
You cannot reason with them, and often you can't calm them down without an elephant tranquilizer! You'd think they were possessed by the devil for what comes out of their mouths! As a professional, you realize they are suffering; both on the inside and out! Angry at God and the world! It's hard to feel empathy until you read their medical charts!
You need time away from him. Take a vacation, without him. If he has been housebound too long, he's getting cabin-fever; and you might need to get someone with a little muscle to get him out of the house.
He can scream and holler all he wants. Sometimes social services may offer visiting home-care for people on permanent-disability. Do some research, there are healthcare workers professionally-trained to deal with guys like your husband.
If he's a veteran, he can also be placed in the care of a veteran's nursing-home for disabled veterans. Those old-guys won't take his crap!
Oh, you can afford a divorce if you get a pro bono attorney. You can find them online.
It seems to me you've got it pretty sewn-up with separate bedrooms, and being so independent. I guess he just gets on your last nerve being so nasty all the time.
Go to your reunion and have a good-time. Please don't let him push you beyond the limits of keeping your cool and sanity. He's not in his right-mind; and he hates the fact he's not his previously active and healthy self. Always leave the room out of earshot when he goes on a streak!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (9 April 2018):
 Dear seahag50,
I talked this over with my wife over lunch, I think I missed a solution for you. As you have no intention of pursuing a new relationship, you do not need a divorce to start a life away from him. You can move out any time. I know there would be some costs involved for both of you. Given the state of your relationship, I agree with your doctor that you would be better off living somewhere else.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (9 April 2018):
Working out some basic math It occurs to me that he has lived in constant pain for over 30 years. That is hard to imagine. Your marriage is probably around 45 years old. 30 more than 30 years with a stay at home disabled husband with SSI disability. There is no chance for any real assets due to the regulations around that. 15 years sexless.
Well it is no surprise that he is hateful. On the other hand the fact that you are still there surely attests that you are not a horrid person. I'm still a bit worried about the name you chose for yourself here. I am sure that it is no fun going out with your estranged husband.
There is an old joke among divorced people. Why is divorce so expensive? Because it is worth it. My community has many men in your age range. For the most part they are gentlemen and don't treat anyone horrid. Of course you can live alone if that is your desire. A period of living alone would be healthy.
Mostly after reading your post, I think you need to build yourself up. You have been emotionally abused for so long that you believe it. It is not true. It's just a way to control you. Enjoy your class reunion.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 April 2018):
 Are you really SURE a divorce would be too expensive? who says it's too expensive? Him? Or have you actually done any research?
Obviously your kids are grown and have left so THEY can't be part of the divorce (as in something to fight over). Which leaves ONLY property. Things. House, cars, valuables.
Do you two own the house you live in? Or is it a rental?
You don't HAVE to date anyone else if you divorce but you might be able to reconnect with your kids, make friend and actually LIVE a life!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2018): Why are you still even there?Move out divorce that Jack ass.Then maybe at your high school reunion you can meet up with an old friend or meet a new one and finally for once in your life be happy.Life is short do not waste any more of it with this controlling dirtbag anymore.Your doctor should be telling you to leave him..time to get a new doctor too.Who cares if he is disabled and might need you.He treated you and your children terribly and now let him see the actions of this.You do not deserve this.Leave him to wallow in what he created himself. Why wait in pain waiting for him to die?Many caregivers die first due to stress.Leave the jerk.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Kate  +, writes (9 April 2018):
 I am so sorry that you are living in this situation, it must feel to you as if there is no escape.It seems your husband is angry at life, perhaps due to his disability or just the general lack of liking himself or others. When people get into this state there is not much anyone else can do, its pretty much down to him to decide how he moves forward with his life.To live in an abusive environment (which is what you are enduring) is exhausting, insecure and erodes your self esteem over time. You were not born onto this earth to endure such torment but if you cannot see a way out of it you must learn to tune it out (at least until you feel on a firm footing yourself)Accept you cannot change your husbands attitude, you can be civil and gentle, but do not accept responsibility for it. If he goes off at you, be sympathetic and suggest he go seek help from his doctor or a counsellor as you are not qualified (physically or emotionally) to unravel his existing persona. Ignore when he yells at you, reduce it down in your mind to a tiny voice, visualise him as a bratty child throwing a fit but refusing to sort out his own issues.Sometimes we have to create a 'life within a life' if we see no way to physically escape.Try to see the positives, that you are still able to attend events and gatherings and not miss anything, that you have your own sleep space so are not pressured to have sex with him. Keep strong ties with your children and build them from your own point of view and not that of being coupled to him. Even going to dinner alone...well you can at least enjoy your food in peace and perhaps try new things without negative comments. Make new friends that you can see away from home and perhaps find a new interest.Building a stronger life for yourself will strengthen your inner voice and you may still find the motivation to either mend your marriage or end it, but give yourself time to see how you feel. He may run you down but what he is really doing is using you as a 'whipping boy' to make him feel better about his own issues (but I bet deep down he hates himself for doing so). Things are not always as they seem but you have a right to not be dragged down with him but to elevate yourself to a place where you can at least find some peace.Good luck with your journey x
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