A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Background info: BF and I have been dating 4 years. We live together now. He's my best friend, and when we are both sober we are happy. My boyfriend is half Navajo Native American (Dine tribe to be technical, as Navajo is a derogatory term meaning "back-stabbers") and half Puerto Rican. He recently told me he was half Native American. Not like that changes anything on my side. I love him just the same.But ever since he "came out" as half native, I've noticed a huge change in his behavior towards me when he drinks. As far as I know, I am mostly white. Meaning, both my parents are white, but my mom is part Mexican (her great grandmother was 100% Mexican), and my dad is part middle eastern (approximately 12%, as he has taken a dna test). For the past 2 months, every time my boyfriend gets intoxicated, he will not stop talking about race. Any little thing will trigger him. Tonight, for example, we were watching an old film made in the '50s. The actors were white, and I merely mentioned how the men worked and the women usually stayed home with the kids and cleaned. That simple statement set him off. Instead of just having a normal discussion about it, he immediatwly began yelling at me. He said things like, "yeah for you WHITE people, not minorities. MY grandma had to work AND clean the house every day!"... okaaay... damn. Didn't mean to set you off, I thought. And then that was it. He was aready launched into a full-on attack. Saying "how would YOU know you white privilege bitch!!" (literally what he said). First off, I grew up in a very ghetto city in California in a trailer park, where I myself was a minority (very diverse city and I loved that aspect of it). My family was always poor and struggling to get by. And I know for a fact that my white ancestors came over to the U.S. AFTER the British had colonized it. Like, they came over in the early 1900s. I'm mostly Irish.. so yeah, my immigrant ancestors were welcomed to the U.S. with rocks being thrown at their faces... There's no proof whatsoever that my family owned or supported slavery, or that they personally murdered Native Americans for their land. In fact, absolutely none of my family is even from the south. And to this day, none of them even own more than an acre of land.. We're just poor.. Obviously I realize that the colonization of the Americas was morally unjust. It was genocide. I realize that! But I didn't ask to be born white in the U.S... I'm just here because my parents made me and birthed me here. Anyway, these types of stupid fights keep happening ever since he told me he was half Native American. I don't know what to do. I love him. And I want a future with him. But I don't think it's okay that he takes his anger out on me over the fact that 150+ years ago white colonizers took his land and assimilated his people into their culture.. I really had nothing to do with that. And although I agree with him that it was sooooo wrong, and that I am truly sorry for his people, he still takes his anger out on me because I'm white.. I don't know what to do.. why is he even dating me if he's known all along that I'm just a freaking white girl anyway? Like, how deceitful of him to make me believe he saw worth in me beyond my race :'(
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (15 April 2018):
 You just move out, OP. Tell people you trust and ask for their help, so he can't become violent. Move in with family or friends, but get out of there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for those who responded. I read these responses for the first time tonight, after yet another drunken racist rant by my bf. They made me cry. And made me realize that I am being abused. I am not just simply an outlet for him, I'm a damn punching bag!
Tonight he began going on about his ex girlfriends; comparing them to me because they "weren't white". He said, "maybe I should be with a brown person because you will never get it".. He went on to tell me that one of his ex's was half japanese, half white. One was russian, from russia. One was mexican. So I said, well, you dated a russian. Wasn't she full white?? And he responded that she at least wasn't as insecure, wasn't blah blah blah. I had already left the room by then... He's just an ass. He's using me as his own punching bag for his own depression and insecurities. And he's masking it as "She is an enemy because she is white, and therefore all of my problems have been (conveniently) caused by her"... He is covincing himself that I deserve the verbal abuse because of my ethnicity. I see the light now. And now the problem I am facing is how to get out of this miserable situation...
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for those who responded. I read these responses for the first time tonight, after yet another drunken racist rant by my bf. They made me cry. And made me realize that I am being abused. I am not just simply an outlet for him, I'm a damn punching bag!Tonight he began going on about his ex girlfriends; comparing them to me because they "weren't white". He said, "maybe I should be with a brown person because you will never get it".. He went on to tell me that one of his ex's was half japanese, half white. One was russian, from russia. One was mexican. So I said, well, you dated a russian. Wasn't she full white?? And he responded that she at least wasn't as insecure, wasn't blah blah blah. I had already left the room by then... He's just an ass. He's using me as his own punching bag for his own depression and insecurities. And he's masking it as "She is an enemy because she is white, and therefore all of my problems have been (conveniently) caused by her"... He is covincing himself that I deserve the verbal abuse because of my ethnicity. I see the light now. And now the problem I am facing is how to get out of this miserable situation...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2018): Any excuse for sad abusers.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2018): This is a horrible story.You are not a "bitch" because you are white. You can only be termed a bitch if you are a wicked and evil wo/man. I don't think you are, do you? So why does he? What, because you are white? What he has said to you and done to you is beyond bitchy, it's inconceivable nastiness. I dare him to call all the other woman who are white (yes All) out there living in this world a bitch! And if his hate is because you are white, how about all the white men out there, what would he call them - I wonder!? Would he call all the white woman who he works with or passes on the street "white privilege bitch"? I doubt it. And what is he doing, with his nazi-ish attitude, walking around with those thoughts abounding his tiny mind? Oh I feel for you.You know - it's men like this who make my blood run cold.Sister. What are you doing with a man who - once inebriated - let's all his true feelings gush out in such vitriol? It's a way to have you treading on egg shells when you are both sober. he shouldn't be with you and you have answered your own worry at the end of your story, as you must be wondering what to do right now. This cannot get better unless he gets some form of help for his hatred of white coloured humans, he needs to get to the bottom of it... But, unfortunately, I get the feeling he's in a big mess and is trying to take you down with him.Please. Know your worth. No more sad faces for good woman, only happy ones and you do know how to get your shiny white human happiness back ;)
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2018): He's not ready to be with anyone. He has a chip on his shoulder about it an that won't go away until he stops drinking to "cope".
I wouldn't stay, but it's up to you.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Kate +, writes (9 April 2018):
 Your boyfriend seems really immature if he is using his mixed race to pick fights with you. I mean, just stand back a bit and look at that for a few moments...just seems pretty ridiculous and nasty doesn't it?.
If he has always had a problem with the difference in races well you could just accept that he probably shouldn't be dating someone from a different race if he feels so strongly, but this is a recent thing, newly acquired knowledge that he has taken on board and decided he now hates people...kinda stupid don't you think?
All that aside, he is becoming abusive. The sweet person you once knew has been replaced with Mr Angry all of a sudden and now you don't know your head from your tail pipe!
Also if you are both drinking to the point of irrationality, that is quite dangerous, we call it the toxic trio. Domestic abuse, mental illness and substance abuse. Having any one of these is detrimental to your relationship, having more than one is a huge signal that you should probably NOT be together.
I know you are probably fearing losing him, you are hoping the sweet guy may return to love you again but seriously it's not going to happen while you are together. Stay if you must, but don't expect things to get better. The boy has 'issues' and in order for him to work through them, he should probably be 'alone'.
Doesn't mean you can't get back together, just means you give the relationship time to heal rather than making things worse. So what you gonna do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2018): This is not a white or Indian thing at all.This is a abusive thing.I would break up with him.This is a giant red flag.It also seems he is a little crazy.You know children inherit mental illness.If you have kids would he be racist towards them when drunk?There are so many better men out there who are not drunks or racist.I know you are probably saying...but I love him.How could you really love someone who disrespects you like this? If he really loved you he would not do this.You need to not settle for a man who is not kind nor good to you.There is much better out there.Kick him to the curb and find a real man...much better than a crazy abusive drunk.
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