A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 10 years and have 2 small children. I thought I had a good marriage and very loving relationship. Last week I found out My husband has been seeing prostitutes for the past 7 years. He first denied it but eventually confessed. He is very sorry. He says he wants and loves only me.We already went to therapy. I don't know how I could trust him. My marriage is a lie. I feel so empty that I don't even have any anger. He is willing to do what ever it takes. Is it possible for him to change? Is it possible for us to move beyond this? How can I ever trust him? 7 years of lies!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): My husband also used prositutes and actually fell in love with one 28 years younger than him. She must have had a coach as she got "very ill" and managed to get my husband to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars to help her. I found out right before we became bankrupt. I will never trust him again. My hurt is sometimes unbearable. I believed that he was impetent for years as he refused my advances with excuses including not being able to function. He was also very critical of me and constantly hounded me about spending money. I was destroyed in every sense of the word. He has replaced his addiction with work, somethimes working 7 days a week. I often fantasize about having him followed. All of this doesn't sound good does it? My advice it to leave as fast as you can. Your man has a serious problem that will drain you in every way
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2007): Hi Hun,
How are you doing and how is the situation with your husband been not heard from you in a while let us all know how things are.
Lady With Same Problem. x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2007): Hi,
How are things going now? this is the lady whose husband used whores for 6 years i would like to contact you privately let me know id this will be ok and how do i go about that?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response. The problem is that we had great sex life. We had great relationship, communicated well, laughed, enjoyed each other company, loved going on vacations together. Financially we are doing well. He has always known how much he is loved and wanted. We always told each other "I love you", I'm what what a lot of people would consider attractive. So I don't know what caused the behavior. He realized now that he failed me and asking for forgiveness and a chance to make it all better. I just don't understand the 7 years part. Don't know if I could ever trust him.
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A
male
reader, leonard j.Douglas  +, writes (24 July 2007):
To really answer your question would take much more Information than just his infidelity. It takes two people to tango, and it also takes two people to make a marriage work. And even so, If I used Prostitutes, and the thought has often crossed my mind,because my wife can't or won't engage in oral sex. While most prostitutes are more than willing to please a John who will be coming back for what he may not be getting at home. Most women go through their whole lives and never dicover what male love is really all about. It's about SEX. And what's love is to a woman, Well, That is what the male Sex-Drive is to a man. So before you good'y two shoes out there get caught up in your quick condemnation of a cheating man or woman. You'll need to know the complete marital picture, of what is going on within their marriage,between Husband and Wife. In your case what kind of sexual pleasure are they giving? That you are not willing to give in your relationship. You had to learn to love him, and you will also have to learn to forgive him too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2007): Thanks for your followups, hun. I think what the previous Aunts need to understand is when most people hear the words infidelity and marriage, they tend to think, the marriage is over...leave the jerk! They speak the truth and it comes from their heartfelt feelings for your pain, so I completely understand their reaction. But you need some rationale here. The marriage, at least the one that existed before the infidelities took place is over. The innocence and naiveté that existed in the marriage is gone forever, the trust level will never be the same, but that doesn’t necessarily mean the marriage is over, or should be over. Now granted, infidelity is a very hurtful and painful event, but one needs to understand what the motivation for the affair was and what the affair meant to the person who did this (your husband). I suppose I too, could easily get on my moralistic high horse and say, “That’s wrong! Leave him” but it's too easy for us as Aunts, to say that. We aren't in the middle of your life, we don't know you or your husband. All I know: is you are married and 2 little kids are depending on Mom and Dad to do all they can to keep their world intact and emotionally safe. And I know that your husband loves you. We all know what he did was wrong. What is not understood is why it happened in the first place, and what if anything can be done about it.
Marriage counselling with him, is your next step, dear. One's relationship as serious as 'marriage' with two children involved, it's not that easy just to pack it in, divvy up the assets and walk away. Divorce devastates all involved. When one invests so many years, hard efforts, a lot of work and love into a marriage-we do try to salvage it. In other words, you don't just roll over, end it and call it a day, hun. I still believe your husband had a sexual problem way beyond what you could've helped him with or one he couldn't bear to tell you about. Something in him was sexually off and he couldn't come to you with that. As wrong as it was..this could have been his over-riding motivation. Other reasons vary such it could've been done for the ego boost, too. But it does not necessarily happen because they don’t love their wife . Men are infamous for totally separating 'love and sex'. It's the crappy , biological truth about many males. Your husband did this with little regard for the damage he was doing. He likely thought..'I'll never be caught!' Women on the other hand think 'sex and love' go hand in hand. This is why I say to women having affairs with married men, he'll never leave his wife for you. Generally for the vast majority of married men who cheat, the mistress(es) are only 'great sex and self-involved, fun', as these prostitutes were to your husband. Marriage is about reality, and reality is not always fun or sexy. Affairs are more about fantasy and escaping that reality. A wife and family are 'reality, solid family connectiveness, emotional support/attachment, safety, love, a place that he calls home" over the long term. I'm not saying it's right that he put all this at risk by comitting infidelities, I just want to explain to you how some wandering married males view the act of sex, with other females. But for him to have used prostituted for 7 years. tells me he may have had a problem (addiction). It's not an excuse..it's just a cold hard fact.\ if he dealing with an addiction. Let's also not forget, this was his choice, so whatever you decide is best for you, your kids..you do what it takes, for you and them to be happy once again. If it means, sticking it out and seeking the ability to 'forgive' eventually and beginning this marriage anew, with boundaries in palce and a promise from him to display and show you he can be trusted again or by you and the kids just leaving..it's your call. But one last note to ponder on: Sometimes the unfaithful husband can come out of this mess he caused, wiser and more grateful about his life than they were prior to the affair. Each day carries with it the opportunity to learn, grow and change. It's up to you, to see if he will change for the better.
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A
male
reader, blaz£  +, writes (23 July 2007):
 ok, well babe you will survive, and live. for your children. trust me you will make it.and it is completely up to u wat happens.all the best watever u do:)xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you. I just need some time. I'm not capable to make any decisions right now. I'm just a mess. I don't know how I could stay and I don't know how I could live.
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A
male
reader, blaz£ +, writes (23 July 2007):
im so sorry babe :( thats really bad news:(but look if he has cheated on you for seven years what makes you think he would feel bad about it now, but not for the past 7 years?7 years is a long time..chances are nothings changed, realize this..he dosent want to lose the lifestyle of getting what he wants on the side then coming home to a loving family where he is viewed by everyone as a loving father...even though he aint.the money hes spent prostitutes could have been used on your kids, on you.you are worth more then that. your kids are.... u know wat to do b ;) xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much. Your kind words give me hope that maybe it is possible to move beyond this though at this point I don't know how. Thank you again.
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A
female
reader, RUSTUPID +, writes (23 July 2007):
No. You can not trust him he has been with prositutes for the most part of your marrage. If you feel you cant trust him ...then you cant. You said you feel empty (because it is empty). He maybe sorry but, he obviously has a problem that has nothing to do with you. Do think that even though he is sorry he will never do this again? Are you happy with him now that you know what he has been doing? If you answered no to both of these questions then you should move on. Im sorry LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO BE UNHAPPY.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2007): Oh my, I have to firstly say how sorry I am that this has happened to you. It's so devastating when you love someone and you seem to have a happy marriage, you're committed and then you find out, he's been unfaithful. So many of us women go into self-blame mode, wondering what you did wrong. I sure hope you aren't doing that, hun. He is totally responsible for his choices and behaviors. The truth is, you have a man who has a 'fidelity' problem compounded by what I feel may be 'sexual addictive' behaviors. The reason I say this, is because he was regularily seeking prostitutes for sexual purposes..nothing more. He was not looking for the emotional facets of a love affair. These women simply provided a 'scratch to his itch'. It's also likely he's got some type of unusual sexual 'craving' relieved, from these prostitutes that he could never ask from you. Why? As unusual as this seems...you state he appears to love and respect you, in spite of his poor, poor choices and damaging behaviors. He's been caught and he's expressing great remorse and regret. He knows now, what he stands to lose. You have two children who need an intact family and a father to help you raise them, so I suggest if you can, to try to save this marriage. Keep at your counselling and I feel he needs individual therapy for his addiction. But give your therapy time and stay the course.. Counselling will help you build up your damaged self-esteem, from what he did and it will strengthen your ability to set tougher boundaries, as well as helping you learn to trust him, again. But in order to trust him again, he needs to 'earn it back'. And it won't be easy for him. He needs to be at your side, helping you deal with the pain, and he has to humbly accept that anger over his betrayal. The ugliness of what he did will rear it's head from time to time, and you will feel deep anger, betrayal and bitterness, at what he did. I can't blame you. You both have a long, long healing journey, ahead of you. And please, go to your family doctor and have tests done for AIDS, and other STD's. Get him to do the same. Your health is important, especially with 2 children to raise. Through all of this be strong, take this one day at a time and look after 'you'. My heart is with you, dear. Take care
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