A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I have been married for last 5 years and am madly in love with my husband. Since last year he has been fantasizing for a threesome. He is forcing me go for it with him, at the same time he does not want to commit that this is his fantasy and he wants to do it rather he puts in a way that he wants me to try something differnt and I should start fantasizing about girls.. I do not have any trads of being lesbian.. I tried explaing him several times on this but no luck.. the moment I show my disinterest he goes nuts.. he's gone to the limit of saying that if I won't do it he will leave me... I really don't know what should I do????I love him so much that for once I thought I will do it for him. But I am scared of the after effects.. He says he is being loyal to me, that he is sharing his thoughts with me and not going out.. and as per him things will be very good between us. Is it normal to fantasize to this limit??? I am not at all comfortable with this and scared too?? I even told him why doesn't we try with a man but very tactfully he said guys are ugly and he wants me to have interest in girls... I cant do this??? What should I do??Can any psychiatarist be of any help???PLEASE HELP...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2009): Hi
I just wanted to add a little bit to this discussion. I have a sister who went through the same type of thing. She is now divorced. It didn't work out and never will. If your husband is pushing you into this it is only for his own gratification. He is not thinking of you or any future children. I advise that you get out now. See a solicitor or legal advisor now. Don't let this man use you, he is caught up in his own sick fantasies, believe me, I have been married 31 years this year, and would never tolerate this behaviour and nor would anyone who has any sense.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2009): You are right!! This will definately cause you problems and if your marriage is not already over, it will be!! You need to explain to him that it's ok to have fantasy's and it's ok to share them with you verbally (if you are ok with that), however, be honest with him and tell him that you do not feel comfortable with acting them out. If he gets upset with you and cannot leave it at that without taking his fantasy to the next level, then he is not the right one for you. I know it is hard to think that because you have been married for 5 years, but he probably was not ready to settle down when you got married and now he wants to have his cake and eat it too, but wants you ALSO. I have been there.. My ex pretty much gave me an altimatum too.. he wanted me to try it to be open-minded... I did.. against my better judgement and it devastated me... My feelings did not matter to him.. The more you give, or try to give, the more he wanted and the more he expected!! Lines were crossed!! The marriage was definately over!!
I am with whom and where I am suppose to be in life now!! But I know what you are feeling.. Don't do anything you don't want to do.. You will lose yourself if you do and in the end.. You do it once and I promise you, it won't be the end of it..
If he cannot accept you saying NO!! Then it's time for you to leave.. Show him you are serious!!!
Good Luck!!
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (21 April 2009):
 Forcing you into sexual situations that you are not happy with is all part of emotional abuse and physical abuse, which is technically domestic violence. I hear him talking about his wants and needs in your relationship to the point of dictating them, but what about you and what you want? I think it is time you stand up for yourself. Next time he threatens to leave, tell him that is the best option as you do not wish to be with a man who is unhappy to be with you on your terms. A happy marriage is about compromise in all things but if you recall your wedding vows, I am sure they didn't include a declaration to pretend to be a lesbian as he dictates. He should not be emotionally blackmailing you into situations you are unhappy with and you have an absolute right to say no to him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2009): He wants 'you' to have an interest in girls? No, he wants to use you and some other women to satisfy his jollies. There is nothing in this for you, is there? It's all about him.
But I worry about you. You state you love him, but so many huge fears and fragile emotional dependancies, seem to encompass your way of loving him. And he seems to take that 'love' you feel and is twisting that, to meet his own ends. This is love?? It's obsession on your part and it's so unhealthy. And it's eating up your self-esteem, your pride, dignity, self-respect and he recognizes that. It's put him in the cat-bird's seat, where he can manipulate you. You need to empower your life and say NO to this threesome, mean what you say and close this discussion, hun. End of it. And then, you need to figure out why you are allowing this man to have this power over you. You went into this marriage with the intent that you and this man are meant for each other, exclusively. Learn from what he's doing and understand the message he's giving you. Does 'exclusivity' look like, what he wants? He's visualizing a happy little romp with both women attending to his every sexual wish and whim? I'm sure many men do, but that's where this 3'some thought remains..in their heads. They usually keep it 'their' fantasy because their sense of committment to the woman they truely cherish and love kicks in and the subject is not brought up, ever again. You can stay with this selfish man who expects you to sacrifice a huge part of what good about your love, for his own ends. Or you could decide that actually you don't want an uncommitted relationship with a man who has no concept of caring, love or committment for only you.. Wouldn't it make more sense to make a complete break and find someone who'll love you the way you want to be loved?
So in a nutshell, I also think you need to learn... to 'love' this man less, and 'love' yourself more. That change in thinking will spark some confidence and give you the strength to stand up to this uncaring man, who has threatened you with ending the marriage, when he in fact, is proposing a very careless, marriage ending proposition, to you. He's not a good husband and you. Call him out on his bluff. And really, if he goes...did you lose much? Sorry, if I sound blunt, but I can see this marriage unraveling. If you do this 3'some, you will grow very bitter about yourself and the you will always, always wonder if you can ever trust him again. If you say NO and he doesn't like it, at least you walk off into the sunset with your pride intact and feeling a lot better about yourself. Good luck and stand up for yourself, here.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2009): Your right he needs a psychiatrist or a counsellor or shooting.
You don't want to do it therefore the answer is NO. It is not a relationship if he has too emotionally blackmail you into a fantasy for him. That is not Love. Neither is love doing something you find abhorrent just for him.
Ask yourself seriously if you want to be with someone like that??
on a similar post yesterday tallulah suggested to her partner who had suggested it that she would do it - if he indulged her fantasy with another man. he never suggested it again to her. here is the post:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/husband-wants-a-threesome-with-me-acting-as.html
hmm notice both you and the other post are similar...
Star.x.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2009): tell him to face up to your decision, that you don't want a threesome unless it's with another man and he shouldn't try to force you into one!
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