A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:What to do to a husband that has a roving eyes, sometimes likes to ogles and lately his new thing is the European style of kissing and hugging when being introduce. At first I have no problem with it but then it's becoming a hobby but the problem is he pick and choose whom to do it, he is not consistent with older folks . I noticed that he likes to do it on younger and somehow attractive women. The incident that put me to the edge was when I introduced my good friend sister for the first time to him, I was flabbergasted to see him immediately hugged and kissed her both cheeks and when we said goodbye after our lunch he also happily did it . He never used to do this but recently our friend from Europe taught him the European folks way of greetings but we are not from Europe. We Americans do hugging sometimes as our greetings or a hand shake is enough. It sickens me every time he does it. We've been married for 15 years and our sex life is almost zero for the past 5 years and I accepted my fate that he has an ED, I love him and my only option is to just accept it since we have 2 wonderful children both teenagers. I am also a religious person and I value our vows. He loves me I know that but his behavior is very discouraging and disrespectful. There were countless instances, he likes to flirt on somebody right in front of me, a waitress, receptionist, etc., he thinks that since I am there with him he is not doing anything wrong and that he said he is just trying to be nice. On our anniversary this year while waiting for me in the lobby I caught him conversing to the receptionist wearing a nice outfit by saying you made that dress looked good on you. I was embarrassed because these ladies in the receptionist knows us being husband and wife. The scenario was we were staying in the hotel with our kids and it was our 4th day, so basically we were in and out of the receptionist area and I just could not believed my husband hit on somebody like that on our wedding anniversary. Am I overreacting? I am a devoted wife and I am not perfect . My husband is a successful man but let go of himself over the years, probably the reason of his ED. I did not demand of him to seek help because to me sex is sometimes not the only measure of love., but my beef is you are like this and why do you treat me this way. Is that because he Is the one who makes the money And he works hard and that he had no time to take care of himself. I maybe in my 40s but people said I looked young for my age and I try to maintain my size 6 frame. I hated the fact that I no longer have a sex life but then as I said earlier in my letter that i have accepted my fate but the really main reason of my bitterness to him is his demeanor towards women even when I am around how much more when I am not with him. He swears that that he is faithful in our marriage. As of now I am a resentful wife.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2013): It pains me to hear you say that you've "accepted your fate."
You offer a man several years of love, loyalty, and devotion; and you feel you deserve nothing more than a "discount" version of love?
I think his "ED" is nothing more than "LOI!"
"Lack Of Interest."
Pardon the pun, he's a limp dick.
You let him get away with the excuse of a lazy penis without even pursuing the cause? You quietly sit by as he makes a glutton of himself. I hope he has a good life-insurance policy. You deserve something for your troubles, once he has eaten himself into an early grave.
Seriously!?
You are a patient and considerate person. He has cashed in on that ticket many times over.
He has decided he'd rather get his kicks another way. He's flirting outside the marriage. A man with "ED" should be a lot more humble around women. A married man should be a lot more respectful to his wife and marriage.
You know what a married woman is supposed to do, and how she is supposed to behave around her husband. Why would you accept any less from your husband? Did he not exchange the same marital vows?
He is arrogant and has total disregard for your feelings.
Being a successful business man, he knows how to cut corners and find loopholes. Those tactics do not apply to the emotional side of marriage.
Will you quietly wait in humble servitude, until he finds your younger replacement? Or will you use a little muscle and get his attention?
Nix on the European kissy-kissy nonsense. A polite handshake is just as friendly and accommodating to a total stranger. Speak up! Holding our peace only adds to your frustration.
This is where you need a serious dialogue with that man.
First of all, suggest in a loving way, that he needs to consider losing weight for health reasons. Encourage him to go to the doctor for a full physical exam, to determine if his (so-called) "ED" is treatable. You deserve to know the prognosis first-hand. Being timid isn't getting you any; so you may as well shake him up a bit.
You need a serious talk (not an argument), to determine where the marriage is going. Taking what you can get is unacceptable. Settling for scraps is beneath your dignity as a woman, and his spouse.
If your marriage means anything to him, he will take it upon himself to preserve it. You offer no ultimatums and allow him to trample you under his feet; because he earns the income. That income happens to be your income as well.
That has nothing to do with your validation as his spouse and partner.
Insist that he consider marriage counseling, or you will "settle" for his seeing a doctor about his weight, and sexual dysfunction. You will no longer stand foolishly by; while he makes a fool of himself falling all over young women. Avoid name-calling and stick to the point.
Tell him you do not like him kissing unfamiliar young females. Although you won't go as far as to forbid it, you can no longer tolerate it. It publicly embarrasses you, and you find no sincerity behind it. You see it exactly for what it is. Blatant flirtation.
You've allowed years to pass with him running the household, and running over you with a team of mules and a wagon. He may love you, but you're not his faithful old dog. You're his wife. You have needs and they must be met.
Marriage counseling for the both of you, or you should join a support group to learn to be more assertive.
The open flirtation is "in your face" disregard for you as a person. At least confront him on that.
You must seek validation and attention from your husband, or you are no longer his wife. You are a live-in companion, who may as well dress like a maid, and serve him hand and foot.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (18 August 2013):
 You are a good wife. Money does not measure one's power in the marriage. Being a housewife is a full time job and both partners have equal responsibility. What I would do is to get a European person to tell him that this is not the way to greet people. He is only embarrassing himself in public and making young women feel uncomfortable. His ogling and his affections towards younger women is in no way an indicator that you are not attractive and you can't compare. He is doing this because he wants to cover his weakness and show to the world that he still has "it." You know him the best while the other people don't.
By not taking care of himself I take it to mean that he eats carelessly and got fat, or diabetic so it affected his sexual ability. You can then tell him the European way of eating is to eat fresh, eat nutrient dense food but little bit at a time. Europeans also learn how to take time for themselves and live at a more relaxed pace.
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